Hey Michael,
I read through all five chapters and really enjoyed it. I think there is a really intriguing premise here and cant wait to see what you do with it.
First up some boring stuff. Few typos here and there, but no big deal it happens. I didn’t like the layout of the 4 chapters all together, i kinda would have liked to have read them as seperate pages on Inkshares, might help with the editing too?
I liked the opening lines (and it being the same for both Olivia and Jason) but I felt the opening chapter wasn’t as exciting as it could of have been. I think everything took off towards the end of it, but the start was a bit slow. I think the history of Winslow was a bit dull and i think starting off with a scene between Winslow on his death bed with his son might make for a more visceral and engaging entrance into the story. I think it might be hard cause you want to get across the fact Winslow is a killer cause the twist is that Olivia is the same, but I’d be more excited to see that and get an insight into the relationship via them interacting rather than just get a history lesson on Winslow. Perhaps Olivia can be the character to slowly reveal that in her narrative and it’s her jealously/admiration that pushes her narrative.
I felt like I got a sense of Jason and Olivia as characters, but feel like I was just reading a blurb about Winslow if that makes sense. I wonder if you can find a better way to get him across. I liked jumping back and forth but wonder if you’ve shared too much at the start. Im interested to see where it goes and the relationship between Olivia and Jason on the road trip. Its hard to see where the real drama and conflict will be. It’s really ambitious and I hope you pull it off cause there are some great Foundations... to the book.
Another thing for me that’s a bit jarring at times is the tone. Is Foundations a bleak family thriller with lots of secrets, or is it a wry, black comedy road trip. I feel like im not sure and I’m not sure what would be best. I think there’s some snappiness to the writing, but it doesn’t permeate the story and I think for it to work as a crazy black comedy thriller it needs to go OTT. Or if you’regoing the other way maybe reign in some humour and just make a suoer bleak thriller with comedy coming from human situations rather than in the writing.
Hope none of that sounds condescending up there, your writing is phenomenal at times and I love some phrasing and sentences. Though i do think for a thriller, you might wanna make some of the sentences shorter and sharper, rather than quite longer ones. I think some of the sentences are too long and think you need to go over it al all to make it tighter here and there.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to look through this. I hope to hold Foundations in my hands someday and say ’I know that guy!’
Best of luck!
Roddy
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