Last month I had a breakthrough which lead to the first significant progress in cleaning my personal space in years. Understandably I was excited and the excitement provided further momentum to get things done.

I reorganized all the clothes (including my sweetie’s) and the laundry "collection" system so no more clothes lying around.

I re-established homes for every individual book in the apartment so that if a book is not in use I know where it goes so I don’t end up with stacks of books all over the place (as lovely as that sight may be).

I even made plans for using oversized IKEA grocery bags to house all the food (because I live in a tiny studio) so I can keep them away from the heat of the oven/stove and the steam of the stove/sink and thereby help all the food things to stay fresher longer (plus make more room for all my beloved baking/cooking equipment in the cupboards).

Before I get to the kitchenette though there are other steps that need to happen first - just logistically- specifically putting away all my papers and magazines into my bank boxes (for which I’ve had drop-folders at the ready for years).  This bit has been a struggle. The which struggle begat a new struggle.

If I’m not sure exactly what steps to take in exactly what order with the boxes I shouldn’t work on it until I do know. If I’m not cleaning, I should be writing because I’m only not writing in order to get this cleaning done. But I might look dishonest or unable to walk-the-walk if I don’t get the cleaning done before getting back to the writing.

That’s what’s known as a compulsion loop. The reason you haven’t heard from me was because I was trapped in my head and then I was talking to therapists and generally questing my way to an official diagnosis of OCD (subtype sinner/doubter).

I do, also, have physical compulsions, but none of my compulsions are so disruptive to my life as the one where I just plain get stuck in my head unable to decide what to do next. I’ve been struggling with this for years and searching for answers for years (it hid so well because I’m a devout Catholic who grew up in a Catholic household and attended a Catholic elementary school and it’s not a subtype you hear a lot about).

This diagnosis ends a 20-year quest to answer the quest of why I can’t do what everyone else is doing exactly the way they’re doing it. And now that I have this diagnosis I can more clearly see the root cause of all my actions and inactions.

THIS BOOK IS GOING TO GET WRITTEN GODDAMMIT. It’s just not going to be published through Inkshares. The crowdfunding setup while invigorating is also crippling.

You know what’s invigorating without being crippling? My email list. All readers of my email list will get a free PDF of Puttin’ the Puss in Boots’ first draft as soon as it’s completed, plus access to a library of resources including the downloadable journal Question Your Narrative, Choose Your Adventure which has already been created.

I just need to negotiate a few things with my OCD before I can share it, like getting this book back into Draft mode and letting you know the place to be if you - like me - want to see this book finished.

Thank you all for your understanding as I quest my way to Fairy Tale Living with OCD,

Rose