Oct 24, 2015

Extract from Chapter 17 of mystery-comedy novel, 'The Investigations of the Para-Usual': 

‘You know one can be rather stung by the suggestion that one is less important than a common scientist, sir,’ sniffed Woo, in an injured tone as Higgins made his departure.

‘Spare me,’ said Cohen. ‘What’s your proposal?’

‘The traditional, sir!’ announced Woo, suddenly brightly, triumphantly, scrambling across the lab to reveal the operations board scrubbed clean and the operatives’ diagram replaced with the one word, ‘TRADITIONAL’.

‘I’m sorry, I….’

‘I offer you… I present to you, “The Investigations of the Traditional”, the “I-O-T”,’ said Woo, snatching the cap from his head to point out the letters on its peak. ‘This blasted obsession with discovering what is new, sir – the para-usual. I don’t care for new ideas. You know where you are with traditional things.’

‘Your point?’

‘We all know what we are talking about when we speak of the traditional. It provides an instant reference.’

‘Where am I? You’re losing me.’

‘Example. I hasten into a barber’s shop. I’m in a hurry. “Whadda would you like, sir?” the barber asks. He’s Italian by the way, from Italy, a traditional haircutting nation. “A traditional haircut,” I return.’

‘Meaning?’

‘Short back and sides,’ retorted Woo, attempting to conceal a sneer in his reply.

‘Again, with time at a premium, I bustle into a sandwich shop. “Yes, duckie?” the sandwich hand chirps. “What would you like?” “A traditional sandwich”, I reply. Automatically she knows.’

‘And what’s a traditional sandwich?’

‘Cheese and pickle.’

‘I see.’

‘I may speak of a “traditional tree”. Again my audience recognises that as the oak.’

‘Right. And where is this going?’

‘I research and document here, in this fine centre of research, all that is traditional. Construct a compendium of my discoveries. Think how economic our daily communication could be if we standardised what is traditional.’

‘Right. Allow me to try this out. By your logic, what is, let us say, a traditional dinner?’

‘Bangers and mash,’ replied Woo, directly.

‘Could be fish and chips, though,’ countered Cohen.

‘Well, yes there could be one or two alternative traditional dinners in total,’ stammered Woo.

‘Traditional pet?’

‘Ah, well that’s rather easy. The dog. A traditional dog being the Golden Labrador.’

‘Or the Black Labrador. Or the traditional pet could be a cat. Which do we understand each other by?’

‘Well, I… It’s quite simple,’ faltered Woo, quickly finding his theory on stony ground.

‘Is this what you have for me?’ thundered Cohen, rising with indignation. He tore at the air in frustration, swung around and without further ceremony made directly for the door.

‘But…’ called Woo, catching up with Cohen in the corridor. ‘The Investigations of the Traditional is much better than The Investigations of the Para-Usual. It is, it is, it is,’ blubbed Woo, crying crocodile tears.