Oct 21, 2015

Extract from Chapter 12 of mystery-comedy novel, 'The Investigations of the Para-Usual':

Dr Pratt waved a hand, indicating that he had something to say though it would have to wait until after a sneeze. He sneezed. ‘That’ll be your mobile phone,’ he said in that oh-dear-me tone we all talk in immediately after we’ve sneezed. ‘Nice. I was never given one when I was in charge.’

‘And what use should I have for this?’ asked Woo, balefully, slipping the device out of a plastic bag so that it sat awkwardly in his hand, upside down. He pressed a random key, which set off a whirring sound causing Woo to throw the mobile back down on the desk away from himself as though the thing had bitten him.

‘What’s the bally thing for?’ demanded Woo. ‘What’s it do?’

‘It is what we call a “mobile phone”,’ offered O’Singh, charitably. ‘We could teach you how to use it.’

‘A moveable telephone? I rather think I could work out how to operate it for myself, if I chose,’ sneered Woo.

Dr Pratt picked up the phone, glanced at the screen and turned it round to show Woo. ‘It’s taken a photo of your shoe.’

Woo snatched back the phone and looked for himself. ‘I know that,’ he said, ‘I know my shoes better than you, Pratt.’

Dr Pratt and O’Singh stood patiently as Woo prodded more keys. Each time frustrating himself afresh. He set about punching several keys at a time.

‘Dah-de-dah-dah-de-dah-dah-de-dah-de-dah…’ chimed the phone, sounding like an organ grinder’s version of the William Tell Overture. Dr Pratt prised the device from Woo and stopped it.