Nov 4, 2015

Extract from Chapter 24 of mystery-comedy novel, 'The Investigations of the Para-Usual':

‘Woo. What do you know about hamsters?’ enquired Cohen, in the manner of an aggressive quizmaster. ‘Any thoughts?’

‘I have few,’ answered Woo, confidently, revolving in his office chair by means of little tap dancing steps.

Cohen was circling Woo’s desk in a high state of agitation. He had come to the IPU offices straight from the Ministry and the action.

‘Have some more. Tell me what you know,’ retorted Cohen, emphasising the ‘know’.

‘I can have more thoughts on hamsters, sir, though, of course,’ replied Woo, sitting up in his chair. ‘Naturally. It’s only a matter of retuning one’s mind. Hamsters. There you see, I’m thinking of them right now. So much so… so much so… that I’m saying ‘hamsters’ again, verbalising what I am thinking.’

Poindexter entered the office, a little flushed from the exertions of trying to keep up with his boss. Cohen signalled for the secretary to give what was in his hand – a newspaper – and to wait outside.

‘We find ourselves in familiar waters,’ resumed Cohen as soon as he had Woo to himself.

‘Hamsters,’ said Woo, interrupting, to prove his mind was on the right track.

‘We try pleasing some people at the risk of displeasing others,’ sighed a distracted Cohen, unfolding the newspaper on the desk and pressing down the creases.

Woo looked blank for a moment trying to understand the connection between the travails of governing and hamsters.

‘Those damned displeased people, sir,’ answered Woo, plumping for a sympathetic response.

‘Yes, but if the number of displeased grows, we the government find ourselves increasingly unpopular. And if we are unpopular, people will not vote for us and I will be out of this job before I even get the chance to move on and upwards.’

‘That would be a sad day, sir.’

‘Oh, yes, Woo, you would feel sad, because you also would be out on your noisy arse.’

Woo sought to control an urge to panic. ‘Pfffft! Let me see. Let me see now,’ he dithered. ‘Hamsters, of course, are the traditional choice of pet for the younger person or child.’