Nov 30, 2015

Extract from Chapter 38 of mystery-comedy novel, 'The Investigations of the Para-Usual': 

Professor O’Singh pulled open a cupboard door. The gas meter inside had given up the ghost. He had been cut off. He closed the door and carried on down the corridor into the kitchen. There, he fumbled under the skirt of a duvet wrapped around the tarantularium sat on the kitchen island, located his landline phone and dialled.

‘Hello, Georgina!’ said O’Singh, shortly, his face brightening. ‘Good to speak. Been a long time. Thought I might catch you before you wended your way. How is the publishing business?’

Not good, came the reply. Georgina though was happy to hear from O’Singh.

‘Georgina, I have something of interest. I have rustled up some fresh messages for next year’s office calendar,’ announced O’Singh, rifling through his notepad with the handset tucked under his chin. ‘Here is one you may want to consider. You know the old saying regarding bears and stating the obvious? Well, alternatively, could we not turn it on its head and ponder: “Do bears ever get bunged up in the woods?”’

The line remained silent at the other end. O’Singh began to repeat himself when Georgina interrupted. They would not be producing a calendar for the coming year. Nor the one after. Perhaps never again. O’Singh bit his lip. Politely, he enquired why.

‘Competition. No-one wants daily philosophies any more. They don’t want the sage insights thing.’

‘Oh, what do they want? Perhaps I may adapt my thoughts?’

‘What do you know about celebrity?’

‘I know… well I am not really… perhaps…’ confessed O’Singh.

‘Our biggest competitor is printing the quotes of celebrities,’ intervened Georgina.

O’Singh heard a sound like that of paper shuffling.

‘An insider contact of mine managed to send some samples through to me. Like to hear?’ said Georgina sounding like she was not so keen to hear them again herself.

O’Singh didn’t know if he would. Georgina started to read them, regardless:

‘Oh my God!’

‘Is everything alright?’ asked O’Singh, concerned, heading back into the corridor.

‘“Oh my God!” is a quote from a celebrity who won a show where she had to live in a house with other girls and look after a pet or something.’

‘I see,’ said O’Singh, unconvincingly. He heard more paper shuffling.

‘Oh, from the same show, different series: “It’s like all this stuff like just like was all so totally phwerr! Do you know what I mean?”’

‘Do I know what you mean?’ asked O’Singh, needing clarification whether it was part of the celebrity quote or Georgina testing his comprehension. He was slightly distracted as he fumbled again with the handle on the gas meter cupboard.

‘The point is, you’re supposed to read the quote and then guess who said it. That’s it. That’s what this is about.’

O’Singh was plunged into deep gloom. The lights had failed. Georgina was still on the line. A loud rap sounded hollowly on the apartment door. ‘Uh, Georgina,’ said O’Singh. ‘May I call you back?’

O’Singh fumbled his way down the corridor, feeling his way along a wall. The rapping increased in frequency. Reaching the latch, O’Singh ripped open the door and shrunk from the sudden glare of light.

“I dunno ya know, I wanna leeve in da England but this Boudicea. I never ‘it a lady.”

‘Persil?’ asked O’Singh, through his squint.

‘Julius Caesar,’ said Persil, joyfully correcting the professor. ‘He came, he saw, he conquered. Professor Breville O’Singh, join me on my conquest!’