Nick Danger Feder's latest update for Tale of Boulderoth

Aug 3, 2016

Boulderoleros!

I got an e-mail that said my numbers were slackin’ and I’ve been pretty out of the loop for most of the summer, so here’s what I’ve been up to!  Before I can finish the next draft of my book, I need to do a complete history of the Empire without getting too bogged down with details.  (We don’t need to know Corelia Masos’ favorite color, do we?  I mean okay, maybe we need to know HER favorite color because that could be important at some point, but-) See what I mean?  Anyway before I can finish the History of the Empire, I need to finish the History of the Immortals for reasons that matter, but I can’t quite tell you because...I’m not convinced it won’t ruin something.  But here we go!

Roughly 70,000 Immortal Years ago, (140,000 human years) the cosmos got together and poofed out some cosmic animals that were made of space dust and anger and...popcorn.  They’re massive nebular beings and they’re super cool and mysterious.  They smash together and fight and their corpses become things like planets and stars and suns and moons and diamonds and pearls and all those fun things.  There are some eggs and some things hatch out of them and one of those things is the Sun God who falls in love with the moon goddess and they have seven daughters who for time’s sake, live in Asgard in a big castle in the clouds and everything’s great.  But then this giant evil space monkey shows up and starts ruining things.  To fight the evil monkey, they need soul sacrifices so (FAST FORWARD) Humanity exists!  For nine thousand years, humanity lives in three castes all dedicated to the preservation of the planet and the sacrificing of humans to satisfy this big furnace that keeps the evil monkey away, but then suddenly after 9,000 years, the giant evil monkey finishes work on his giant doomsday machine, which is just a giant drum in space.  With one beat of the drum he tears a hole in space and time and sends a whole bunch of meteors to smash through the wall that protects the humans and the immortals and everybody.  Those meteors punch holes in the ground and out of those holes come a lot of demons and giant monsters and there’s a big army and at the head of the army is the youngest addition to the family of gods: WAR!  The war god is basically an out of control toddler who leaves messes everywhere he goes and it’s up to his seven sisters to hunt him down and get him back in his crib so there can be peace and all that instead of genocide and mass killings and just...bummertown all over.  (FAST FORWARD)

With the goddesses distracted trying to catch their little brother, the Immortals have to figure out how to rule on their own.  The first king is Jerighundi Jidha, formerly a priest of the water temple who rises up and does a spartacus move against the demon overlords and drives the demons back into the mountains, but he goes crazy and everyone in his family goes crazy and they’re not very good at being kings (but can you blame them?) so they’re overthrown by their stewards, The Chungas.

The Chungas are way better at being kings, but they’re openly cruel to the House of Andhurashaa (worshippers of the old gods, sacrificers of millions, but very corrupt and self-righteous jerks who just want power, mostly to fight off the evil monkey, but at the same time they kind of.......are.....the evil monkey.)  The Chungas are then overthrown by religious zealots from The House and they impose some seriously messed up theocratic shenanigans on their people.

The Khaina (the zealots) rule exactly how one should not rule.  They only have four kings and they rule for about 400 years before they’re attacked on all fronts by an ancient and proud general with 100,000 elephants, some ancient exiled kings who have learned to not be dicks to humans, and some wild, eastern "heretics" who just haven’t been "saved/converted" yet.

The Khaina are defeated by the Nayachungas (ancient exiles) and the Pravabhuras (general with the elephants) but when the general refuses to kneal to the ancient kings and claims power for himself there’s some more war which results in a split in the kingdom.  This works out for a while, but then a few centuries later there’s another big war.  That war drags on for way too long without either side really winning or losing any ground, but then from the south, a cadet branch of the Nayachungas, the Chungamhasaas rise and they’re just good at all of the things.  Every single thing.

The Chungamhasaas place their Nayachunga cousins under house arrest and take control of the army, win the war and BEHOLD THE GOLDEN AGE OF KINGS.  Everything’s great for a while, but everything being great makes the kings complacent and lazy and they start to not be good at everything.  Despite awesome conquests and expansion and immense wealth and all that, their kingdom starts to falter and break apart and factions emerge and all that and before long there are four splintered kingdoms and they’re all fighting.

This is when the Archer Lords, the Dhabhahi emerge and they rule for like ten whole minutes before everything just collapses.  Out of this collapse some of those ancient dudes from the Khaina Conclave of religious zealots see an opportunity and they rise up and take power again only this time they’re way nicer.  That ushers in the Age of the Conclave, which lasts for a while , but I’ll get into that later.  It’s complicated.  As the Conclave takes power most of the kings are locked up or executed or exiled and some people are pushed out of the sacred mountains, theoretically to die, but they find some dragons which’ll be helpful later (for the Age of the Dragon Lords) and that’s what I’ve been up to.  You’re all wonderful.  Stay tuned for more shenanigans and maps!  I got maps!  So many maps.  Too many maps?  No such thing!  Rock and roll!

Earth, Sea, Empire

-NDF