It was easy to slip into the darkness. Letting the weed mellow out my never-ending overthinking, the alcohol allowing me to seem like I enjoy things, and the drugs blocking everything out. They made me feel normal again like my actual self.
It was freeing.
Lately though, nothing seems to be strong enough for me anymore. I’ve been sitting here in Peter Cardinki’s basement hitting joint after joint for probably an hour and I still can’t feel the numbness I used to last year. The Xans weren’t doing anything either. I was high yeah, but it didn’t block her out like it used to.
She was still sitting in the seat across from me sipping on the same beer she had when I got here, and pulling out her eighth cigarette since we sat down. Surprisingly she wasn’t flirting with whatever guy was giving her attention but that was probably because she was mad at me again. Luna was the master of holding a grudge.
"Kat, are you still hitting?" I nodded and grabbed the joint, taking a long hit before handing it over. I felt a quick head rush and then nothing, I could still feel her eyes on me. The funny thing is, she wasn’t even mad over something new, it was one of our old fights she conveniently remembered and decided to spring on me. No wonder I was probably her only friend. I finally made eye contact with her, hoping maybe she looked like she had mellowed out but sadly she looked even angrier. She finished off her cigarette and stood up and rushed out.
I sighed and laid my head back on the couch. It felt bad to feel so relieved that she was gone but I couldn’t help it, I was finally starting to enjoy my high.
I took three more hits and a sip of the "expensive" vodka Cole had been bragging about all night. It tasted like shit but hit hard. Finally, I stood up and made my way to the rest of the party upstairs to look for Luna and hopefully make up so we can enjoy the rest of the night.
Peter has been throwing his "last day to live" party every year on the Saturday before school started since 8th grade. It started with just him and Cole and Justin playing GTA and drinking and smoking before 8th grade since Justin was moving away that year and Peter’s parents were out of town. The next year Justin was visiting and brought his girlfriend so Peter and Cole decided to invite some girls along too. Soon each year more and more people found out that there was drinking and drugs and Peter’s parents were always out of town so the party grew. This year being the last Saturday before our senior year so it was the biggest party yet, even kids from the other schools in the district were here.
The living room was much more crowded than it was when I headed downstairs, I couldn’t tell anyone apart so finding Luna was going to be harder than I thought. The music was shaking the walls and a grind circle was forming in the middle so I was pushed towards the wall while the crowd moved.
"Kinda ridiculous what people will do for some drugs and physical contact huh?" I jumped at the random voice right at my ear. "I mean this song doesn’t even have the rhythm you need to grind perfectly." He was tall and skinny with patchy facial hair and a gross man bun. He either had to be new or from a different school because with that gross thing I would have noticed him before.
"People will do anything for a distraction" I say back "it’s easier than dealing with whatever they’re running from."
That made him laugh "speaking from experience huh?" I shrugged and tried looking into the horny mass of high schoolers trying to find Luna, she would be in her element here, but I couldn’t see her.
"So, what’s your distraction of choice then since you’re such an expert on it?" I could hear pretentiousness in his voice, the man bun made sense now. "Okay the silent treatment, fine I’ll guess then it’ll be more fun." I rolled my eyes.
"Let’s see, porn?" I glare at him "okay no how about sex?" glare "alright alcohol? Weed? Pills? Cocaine, Heroin?"
"Really heroin, do I look like that type of person?" I say with a scoff.
"Okay, okay I’ll admit I wasn’t serious with that one but come on, you tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine." I sighed, he obviously wasn’t going to give in or shut up so I might as well finish the conversation so I could leave sooner.
"A mix of all of them minus the sex stuff and heroine."
"Ah my type of girl, I’m the same plus these." He pulls out a pack of cigarettes, Camels like Luna. "They’re disgusting I know but they keep me level headed."
"Why not try a vape then?" I ask.
"And look like those douchebags?" He says while pointing at the group of kids in the corner all sharing a Puff Bar. "No thanks, the man bun is as douchey as I’m allowing myself to look.”
That made me laugh "yeah it’s pretty bad I’m not gonna lie." He shrugs and lights his cigarette and looks around the room which had filled up even more in our short time talking.
"It’s getting pretty crazy in here" he says now having to shout over the music that’s gotten louder "would you maybe want to head to a room and finish our conversation there?" I catch him smirk and look down at my mouth the way guys do. He wasn’t my type at all and I almost never hooked up at parties, seemed trashy to me and I was there for the drugs anyway, but he was surprisingly fun to talk to and unlike the drugs I was on right now he had actually been able to distract me from all the thoughts about Luna that was racing through my head.
I was just about to finally break my no party hook up rule when he whispered in my ear "You know I normally don’t go for go for girls with short hair, kind of dykie in my opinion, but it looks super sexy on you."
Men always find a way to ruin a good thing. "Nice try asshole" I grab one of his cigarettes and make my way outside to continue my search for Luna.
The outside, though less crowded, wasn’t any better than inside. Expelled, Jazmyne Bane’s punk band they started last year, was setting up their instruments in front of the pool that was mainly filled with more couples making out. Thankfully this was also Luna’s element so I made my way towards the pool. I was so busy looking for her that I didn’t even see the girl with two full cups right in front of me until we were both soaked.
"Oh my god I am so sorry!" She said and she instantly started using her jacket to try and dry me off. "I’m such a klutz, all my friends say so, and I was distracted by the band. Jazmyne’s one of my best friends and they’re so nervous and I wanted to get them a drink to make sure they were okay and-"
"No, no you’re okay I was looking for a friend and wasn’t paying attention either. Plus-" I licked my lips "Vodka Cran is probably one of the better things to get spilled on you. A little sticky but at least it’s not beer." I looked over in the crowd and there was Luna, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and heading away by herself.
"Yeah, it needs to be sweet or it won’t go down fast for me and I need to get drunk-" I again must cut her off before I lose Luna. I quickly apologize and run off.
I can hear her crying before I see her. She made her way to Pete’s mom’s garden and plopped herself by the willow tree. She was already halfway through the bottle when I sat next to her.
She handed it to me, liquid splashing out all over her hand. "If you’re here I’m not being that sad bitch drinking alone."
"Sorry to tell you but you already are." I take a big swig; I hate whiskey but I wasn’t drunk enough for whatever fight we were about to have over whatever I did. "So, we gonna talk about why you’ve been ignoring me and snuck out here instead of being the life of the party you usually are?"
She grabbed the bottle from my hand and took another long swig before pointing towards the pool. I looked over and saw Michael Roebuck making out with one of the sophomore transfer students.
"Seriously? Him again? He’s 24 and making out with a minor you should be calling the cops on him not crying over him."
"That used to be us though!"
"Yes, except you were 14 and he was 20 and it was STILL illegal!"
"I get it Kat okay! Yes, it was gross yes it was illegal but I loved him I still love him! He came over last night after my mom went to bed and we just hung out, no sex or anything, we shared some wine and watched a movie and he said he wanted to make it try and work again! And I’m 18 now so it would be legal and I wouldn’t have to hide it from mom anymore."
I rolled my eyes and took the bottle from her. "You know he always does this, uses you when he’s bored and then immediately moves onto the next one until they drop him and he comes back to you and then it happens over and over again, aren’t you sick of this cycle?"
She shrugged, I could tell she wasn’t paying any attention to me and still watching Mike. It was so disgusting that they let him get away with this at these parties because he was "the man" in high school. How could no one see how sad it was that a 20-year-old was still going to high school parties.
"He’s not even that attractive Luna"
"Yeah, but he made me feel amazing, you’re the only other person that made me feel that way and you barely speak to me anymore." Great, now I feel like shit.
"We barely talk because we’re always fighting or you’re crying about Mike and it’s exhausting Luna!"
"Wow, real good job at cheering me up Kat glad I can talk to my best friend about my problems." She snatched the bottle from me and stood up "I’m gonna head home."
"Luna! Wait, it’s not safe for you to walk home alone wasted let me walk you home!"
"I really don’t want to talk to you right now Kat" she snapped "Candice is here to pick me up anyway so I’ll be fine, go find Roger or something I’m sure they’re looking for you." And before I could say anything else she was out of sight.
--
No matter the party, Cassidy was always the easiest person to find. Just head to wherever they were playing poker.
"You smell like cheap booze." She said without even looking up from her cards.
"And you smell like a dirty hooker" I say as I pull up a chair next to her.
She laughs and hands me her joint "Not my fault Steve and Ruiz always want to play strip poker with me when they’re wasted."
"Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to strip when you lose?"
"Shhhh don’t tell them that." We both laugh and I finish off the rest of the joint. Ruiz poured a cup of tequila mixed with something and handed me the cup. It tasted like pure sugar.
"Ruiz this is disgusting." I say as I gag
"Yeah, but it gets you drunk and that’s all that matters." He was far gone; he had his cards in his hand facing the wrong way. No wonder Cassidy always went easy on them.
"Have you seen Roger?" I ask her taking another sip. "I’m starting to run low and I’m gonna need a refill soon."
"He’s hot boxing with some of the guys on the soccer team, he’ll probably be in soon." Cassidy put her hand down "read them and weep boys I won again." Everyone else at the table groaned and threw their hands down. "Don’t worry, I’m far too tired to make anyone strip again, c’mon Kat I wanna look for some food.”
The kitchen surprisingly is the emptiest room in the house, though it’s definitely already been ransacked by half of the people in here. Cassidy walks over to a pizza box and picks out a piece with a bite taken out.
"You’re disgusting" she shrugs and keeps eating, pulling a beer from a case on the counter.
As if he knew we were waiting on him, Roger came walking into the kitchen from the back porch.
"Seriously Cassidy? I took a bite out of that slice specifically so no one else would take it!" Cassidy shrugged and kept eating. "God you’re gross.”
"Says the guy who ate a sandwich off the floor yesterday" I say.
"It was wrapped and untouched and I was high okay!"
"It was still off the floor."
He rolled his eyes and gave up. By the way he dressed you’d think he was your basic bro, polos and khakis and a snapback was his everyday fit. But other than being on the soccer team he was anything but. His face was covered in small little face tattoos and his black hair went down to his shoulders. He was the school’s middle man for drugs and even though he was never in class was on his way to valedictorian. He didn’t seem like he’d be someone I would hang out with, but he was one of my best friends and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
Cassidy on the other hand looked exactly how she acted. She was constantly getting dress coded for her cleavage, crop tops, or booty shorts, that is whenever she was in school, and was more focused on partying and sex then she was her education. She had a guaranteed job at her mom’s boutique after school, where she was constantly getting her braids redone with any color under the sun, so she didn’t see the point in trying to work for college. Once while we were high off our minds, I described her skin as the same color as the oak wood roger’s dresser was made of.
“You know I would call you racist cause that’s not what a white girl should be saying to a black girl.” She had slurred after laughing so hard she coughed “But coming from you that’s almost weirdly poetic and beautiful.”
You wouldn’t think she’d hang out with people like Roger or me, with my casual baggy pants and whatever shirt or tank I picked out from the thrift store, but she absolutely hated the popular girls and high school culture in general.
"It’s all fake and overrated" she told me one day on one of our late-night fast-food trips "I’d much rather hang out with people who are straight up and genuine and you know are actually your friends and there for you instead of someone just using you for their status." She moved here our freshman year; she doesn’t talk about middle school at all but I’m pretty sure whatever happened made her the person she is today and I wouldn’t have her any other way.
"Is Tyler gonna be here tonight? I’m running low" I ask Roger and he reaches over and grabs the pizza from Cassidy’s hand.
"Nah, his baby mama might be going into labor so he had to skip today but there’s this new guy that’s supposed to have some good shit, his name’s Jack." Roger pulled his phone out "I’ll give him a call right now; I could use some pills."
Buying from new people always made me nervous, there was so much crazy shit they were lacing drugs with nowadays you never know what you’re buying.
"Is he trustworthy? I’m not trying to die tonight." I ask.
"Yeah, he used to go to school with my cousin and she bought from him all the time. Look there he is right there." I followed his gaze to see man bun of all people. He stopped for a moment when we made eye contact and he almost looked embarrassed. He took a minute to decide if he wanted to come over or turn around, but then Roger waved him over and had no choice.
"What’s up bro" Roger said, giving him the basic bro hug "This is Cassidy and Kat, Cassidy Kat this is Jack." He quickly shook Cassidy’s hand who gave him a quick up and down and then smiled.
He then turned to me and said "Nice to finally get a proper introduction Kat."
"Yeah sure" I say as I give him a weak handshake. He clears his throat and gives an awkward nod before motioning for us to follow him to an open table.
"What was all that tension about?" Cassidy whispers and we follow him.
"It’s a long story." I reply and she links her arm with mine and giggles as we follow the boys.
"Okay so I got your basics, your perc’s, your xans, your molly, ecstasy, coke and other party drugs which I can sell to you guys for probably the best price you’re gonna get." Jack explains as he starts unloading his stuff. "But if you’re looking for something fun and new, I got this." He pulls out a baggy filled with a bunch of tiny pink pills. "This is Bliss."
Bliss. I had heard that name before but I couldn’t quite place it.
"They call it Bliss because it’s like this new party drug that makes you feel like your best self and that you’re on another planet." I turned around to face Luna who was sitting on my bed. She had two pink pills in her hand. "Mike got me some for us to do tonight! Wanna try it?"
"I don’t know Luna, all we really do is smoke weed"
She rolls her eyes "Oh come on Kat don’t be a baby! Mike says this was the best high he’s ever had!" I shrug. I was still new to all this party culture Luna has been dragging me to ever since her and Mike started talking and it was all going a little too fast for me.
"Okay but he’s also 20 and still hangs around high schoolers, I’m not sure I really trust his opinion."
"Ugh you’re so lame! Do you really want to stay boring like Sandra? Always following your dad’s rules and staying home all the time? Cause I don’t." I sighed; she was right. Sandra was wounded up so tight and so scared of disappointing dad that she broke down over the smallest of things and there was no way in hell I was gonna end up like that.
"Can we at least try something easier before we move to pills like Bliss? Just so I can ease into it?"
"Okay fine, I’ll message Mike and ask him if he has something else, we’ll need close to $50 though." I sigh and start digging through my saved money.
"Kat, Kat, Kat!" I snap back in the other direction to see Roger, Cassidy, and Jack all staring at me. "You good?" Roger asks.
"Yeah, yeah sorry I uh got distracted by something." I turn back around and take another big swig of whatever Ruiz gave me. "I’ve heard some stuff about Bliss and I’m not sure if I’m down for it."
"Really?" Jack asks "cause it’s all the rage at my old school."
"Okay well I didn’t go to your old school and I’m not cool with it so I don’t want it."
"Alright Kat it’s cool it’s cool, we won’t get any." Roger says standing between Jack and me "Just give us each a little bit of each but leave out the bliss."
Jack separates little baggies for each of us and we each pay him. I instantly dig through and pull out some xans that I desperately needed to get out of my head.
"Just so you know" Jack says moving close to me "whenever you’re down to try some Bliss we can just chill alone so you can feel more comfortable. Like just watch some movies and get a pizza maybe.” He has that little flirty look on his face he had back in the living room, what a dick.
"Sorry" I say, taking the Xans and chasing them with the last of the drink. "I’m probably a little too dykie for you." Before he can say anything else I turn and make my way into the crowd.