Xerxes rammed his two horns down on his head, piercing through his eye slits and into the corona of his eyes…
Jeeeez! Eon’s getting seriously #$&*ed up! (Part of the appeal of this story so far, for me, is the way you’re illustrating/choreographing the fights - and that these guys are super-powered beings that can take a lot of pain, and dish it out. Good stuff!)
He rolled forward as a blade from behind clipped his foot.
I saw this above, but I thought it might be a typo. But now I’m just confused... Is the guy’s name "Eon" to us, but other characters call him "Leon"? Is there a reason for this - perhaps explained in a previous chapter? It’s throwing me off a bit.
The three paragraphs, ending here, in which you describe the Neferelis (by the way, another cool name!) - they take me out of the action. I know it’s important to get some of these details in there, sure, but wrap it up quick. Get us back in the fight. Make these details grow organically in Eon’s mind when he sees the thing, and let us hear his voice, his experience. Don’t take us out for a little sidebar! :) (Still, I’d like to end this comment on the positive note: I think your world-building is still top-notch. This is a very creative/cool species!)
they have died more commonly in the grayness of the world.
On one hand, it is damn cool that your world-building extends so far, to the point where you’re even considering your own fighting styles. But on the other, I think maybe an extra 5-8 words here, tucked just after ’low guard,’ would go a long way to helping me SEE what this unique stance looks like. Ahh, sorry - a minor gripe. Honestly, I think this is great!
a low guard known as Wtnaj’ Onve
That’s an awesome name. (This - even among all the well-written description around it - stood out to me. I’m terrible at coming up with cool fantasy names. This one is great!)