"...Linville creates a horrifying tale of human inhumanity.....it is engaging, heartbreaking, and thrilling, with an expert pace that never touches the brakes."
Hmmmm... Five minutes seems like a long time to wait silently in the dark of the night. Also, above, when it said he wanted to sneak up on whatever was making this noise, I was wondering ’what’s his plan?’ Like, if you show him picking up a discarded robot arm or something, then it would be clear he’s anticipating a thief or some kind of danger. Play up the tension a little more here, the payoff at the end of the chapter will have more of an impact if he feels like there’s a genuine threat lurking around.
Oh, okay, I understand a little more now. I don’t think you’re expressing it explicitly enough that there is something unusual about the sound the leaves are making. It just seems out of place that the mundane leaves are grabbing his attention. Make the leaves more clearly un-mundane. (Jesus I have some horrific word choice sometimes!)
Wait, hold on a sec... The only sounds described before this (’the’ sound) are the shuffling leaves and his dad’s snoring. What it ’the’ sound he’s listening intently for?
Oh man, I love this. I’m just like that. This is a really good image, for me personally. Something about the sound/feel of pencil against paper... It activates all that SMRI (or SRMI or whatever the hell it’s called) for me. Hell, reading this just now, I’m getting that pleasant tingling up the back of my head. Beautiful stuff.
The house was incredibly silent and Kyle could hear the graphite from the pen slowly loose itself on the page. He always loved the visceral texture to pencil writing, it was something almost no one did this day.
