Once a week me and three other guys would play doubles basketball in the junior sized gym. I now know what it’s like to be in the NBA.
Gotta criticize this beer-attendant guy... Is he dressed up in costume like the rest? I think this little scene could be better. I was surprised that Adam’s mistake with the year 2007 didn’t confuse the guy. But right here, this quote, I think it would be cool if the beer-guy went full-on Ren-fair-immersion-mode and was like "Thank ye, m’lord for your custom! Enjoy thou’s visit to 1422!" (or whatever year). This kind of stuff would further throw readers (and Adam) off, and still achieve the comedic effect.
Ha, yeah it’s still 2007. Enjoy your trip into the past.
Yeah, but were there frilly cuffs? The frilly cuffs are often a dead giveaway, I’ve found. Like Seinfeld’s puffy shirt.
got back on my feet, and headed in to the crowds of LARPers. I don’t know if they called themselves that yet but they were the same group of people dressed in period costumes taking themselves way too seriously.
HA! I don’t know if you did this on purpose, but the funniest thing about this is the fact that he grabs a paper bag and the story/narration doesn’t skip a single beat, and all the time I’m like "Dude, WHERE did the damn paper bag come from?!?" Are you doing this on purpose?! Are these just accidents in the writing? Man, I hope it’s the former: accidents on-purpose. Because it’s really messing with my mind. Loving this!
“Oh shit, is that a guy walking in a suit of fucking armor?” I drop to my knees to avoid detection. I started hyperventilating. I grab a paper bag off the ground and breathe into it deeply. All I could feel was panic spread across every inch of me. I wanted to cry but couldn’t figure out how. I kept breathing into the bag when something partially under the corner of the tent caught my eye. Was it a small scroll? Was it a piece of parchment? I grabbed it and held in front of me: 13th Annual Renaissance Fair!
The whole chapter, so far, has been laced with the narrator’s dark humor, and it’s been great. But this last bit lands a little too far on the serious side... How about you get Adam to recite the ’rule’ absolutely incorrectly, then realize that whatever he THINKS is right MUST be totally wrong, and so come to the correct ’rule’ entirely by a planned accident... Ah, anyhow... Just saying that the kind of thought process you got here right now sticks out. Adding just a dash more craziness instead would make it fit the flavor of the rest of the chapter. Still loving all this, by the way.
Sitting up I surveyed the area around me trying to call back anything I could from that one scout camping trip I went on. “If the sun is directly above me and the moss on the tree is away from me that means this direction is… ahead of me. I am a shitty scout.”
Oh, man... Let me point something out here. This is either a mistake that winds up being genius, or genius disguised as a mistake, which winds up appearing genius anyway... (I’m not making sense.) Basically, I love this sentence because of its ambiguity - it fits the feeling of the story you’re going for. Is this saying the walk was 4 hours and twenty five minutes total? Or is it saying that a normally 25-minute walk took 4 hours? Frikkin’ brilliant, Brien. I don’t know if you wrote like this on purpose, but I think it’s awesome.