Hello! I’ve gone through all your chapters (seven thus far) and I must say I am enjoying the read. Your world building feels smooth and natural, leaving me interested in finding out more about it.
However, and this could be me, but I feel like you’re rushing. We’re taught to keep a reader’s attention through a moderate pace, but I feel like each chapter is a sprint. You have obvious investment in your ideas and scenes, but there’s more to a novel than plot. For example- I would have liked more time in between Kyla hearing the queen’s proposition so she can ponder the repercussions more with some planning to show us some insight to her character. It would have then been more interesting to see her react to Indra’s abuse and her questioning if she would want to follow the orders of an obviously cruel ruler.
Another sacrifice from the pace of things is we’re not seeing as much of Kyla’s thought process as I think we should get from a first person POV. At moments it feels like you’re using the third person but with ’I’ pronouns instead. First person allows us to be intimate with our heroes, and there is a lot stacking on Kyla. I’d like her to see her pondering her circumstances more, as she’s already shown to be clever.
Also, since we’re moving so quickly, character after character seems to be introduced without an immediate reason. I’m not sure why we’re putting any focus on the guard that said he’d help Rishi, to show that not all half breeds are jerks? We could have learned this from Zari. Also, why were we introduced to the other guard as well when Zari could have found and killed the goblin, showing her skills as a warrior/guard?
I hope you find these criticisms constructive. If you take anything away from this I hope it’s that I want you to slow your pace so I can have MORE of your details. I’m invested, I don’t want to feel pushed from chapter to chapter, seeing more characters I’m not sure to place (or even remember what they looked like) and more problems added that aren’t thought about. Let your characters have some time to bathe in the light.
Happy writing!
