I really enjoyed reading this! You definitely handle these characters as though they are very real to you, and that makes the action/banter believable - that’s important. I suppose if I were to suggest any major revision to this draft, it would only be that your audience might expect to see a bit more conflict/high stakes early on in the story. So far, we don’t really know what is happening to this main character outside of his ordinary daily routine. You might choose to develop the story more slowly in this way, but a few hints earlier on about where the narrative might take us would be good. But I did enjoy the read and actually think that the concept could be pretty cool, thank you for sharing!
And then he starts gagging.
Try to keep your characters behaviour in line with their internal monologue. If he sees taking care of Sean the same as taking care of little kids, then he shouldn’t get so violent or angry...that would make him a very poor parent!
I dash over and slug Sean in the chest, "The fuck is wrong with you", I say through gritting teeth. "Get in the house. Go. Now. Get".
Is this short version of apartment really a thing?
Haha, I love this...it is so true of drunks. This analogy appeals to the parent in me.
And see, dealing with drunk Sean is like handling a toddler around nap time. You have to be patient and sort of coax amd guide him along. And just like a kid at nap time, once he gets still and quiet he’s out. Let’s see how this goes shall we?
