letting go of one little secret but holding back as many others as he could.
Although technically it isn’t, because the hero’s name is "MONOMAN" using "man" here feels like a duplicate word - it might be worth finding a different word to use.
I like this, but think you could capitalise on it more — make the last statement feel more like an after thought. You could do this a few ways:
- After "crime" use elipses to show the thought trailing off.
- Split into two sentences, with the first sentence ending after "crime."
- Use an em-dash after "crime" to show two conjoined thoughts ("that’s a crime — or at least").
Even if he’s not doing something illegal, he’s loitering and that’s a crime, or at least not socially acceptable
This paragraph feels a little too descriptive to be a thought process. For instance - we don’t normally think things like "I think he’s a solid fail" but rather simply "He’s a solid fail." A little re-wording may make this say the same thing but feel more like someone’s internal MONOlogue (yes, I’m hilarious!).
He just jumped out of a window! If that bush wasn’t there, he might have broken his neck against the pavement and saved me the trouble of evaluating him. I think he’s a solid fail, but I’m supposed to give him more of a chance than that. Stupid regulations
This sentence feels a little jarring after the one before it - maybe it should be dropped down to a merge with the next statement - a separate paragraph something like "He was done dressing. Those [adjective] thoughts disappeared. His transformation was complete."
Alternatively, you could add a bridging sentence - "nothing had been accomplished. He (sighed/closed his eyes/some other action showing a shift in thoughts or actions). He was done dressing..."
He was done dressing, those thoughts disappeared.
He struggled into the protesting clothing; it didn’t want to go out into the rainy night anymore than he did.
