Hmmm.... Imagine how much more powerful this would be if this line just disappeared... Helmqvist should have A reaction, sure, but not this. He's tipping his hand just so you can toss in some exposition. Save it. It will come out later when he's walking down a dark New London alleyway or something, chewing on a cigar stub. (Okay, maybe not cigar stub, but you know what I mean.) Hold the detail back. It will retain its power better later on.
The same Mara Kitterman that put our city on the galactic map!?”
Hmmm... I guess if there's ONE criticism I ought to level - the charm of this being a noir set in SPACE is kind of wearing off. Build the world a little. As a reader, I'm kind of expecting the RULES to be different out here on Mars. For instance, this far in the future there's still an FBI? How about same function, different form...? After hundreds of years of advancement (I bet), federal agencies have to undergo change, right? Here's a good spot to throw in a pinch of world-building. Don't let it go to waste!
“Why not go to the police, or contact the FBI?”
You compact physical description expertly, Kevin. Here and above with the girl. Oh my words, that is a real talent you have. This is wonderful stuff.
Fortunately, my pressed wool suit and trilby stood in contrast to the other patrons of the bar. Add to that my 185 centis of fighting fitness, and I almost made inroads. A slight smile implied a minor success.
N. O. I. R. !!!
I love it. Space Noir. I'm hooked, Kevin. I'm buying this right now and recommending everyone else do so. The rest of the story can't go anywhere else but GOOD as far as I'm concerned.
I can't stop myself from commenting... one of my weaknesses as a critic, I suppose. But right here, you've established the voice so well. I haven't even met this guy, but your writing makes me know him very well already. I get feel his worldview with these lines alone. Well done.
are beyond me. I’ve never asked and I don’t care.