(continued...) Right here... This is what reveals to me/the reader that maybe it's just money. And that's not good enough for someone as frikkin COOL as Helmqvist. He ought to chew this over a bit. He ought to look over her clothes and determine she's got $$$$ and that getting some of that means he can _______ for that one time he _______, and finally, after all these years, maybe he'll  ______. (I don't mean to be too harsh, Kevin. I think I'm getting passionate about your story because IT'S DAMN GOOD! Something's misfiring here. Maybe I don't know everything, that's fair. What you have so far is G-R-E-A-T, but I see some holes to fill in.)

I know this is her line, and I know we'll probably find out more later... BUT, for now, let me caution this story on framing its protagonist's journey around simply getting paid. No way. He has to get something else... What can the money lead him to? .... I actually ought to highlight something below... (to be continued...)

Hmmmm, you're diluting the stakes here. No way would this gorgeous dame go through all this trouble if she just 'heard something'... (Oh! Maybe this is something Helmqvist can point out... I should read more...) But, point still stands - plunge us/readers straight into the danger zone. Maybe this lady's even followed, attacked...?

Hmmm.... Imagine how much more powerful this would be if this line just disappeared... Helmqvist should have A reaction, sure, but not this. He's tipping his hand just so you can toss in some exposition. Save it. It will come out later when he's walking down a dark New London alleyway or something, chewing on a cigar stub. (Okay, maybe not cigar stub, but you know what I mean.)  Hold the detail back. It will retain its power better later on.