Joseph Asphahani followed Ivy
Finding the Princess
Two sisters get pushed apart until their bond as family is almost broken. The younger sister becomes a rebel and the older becomes Queen. The thing that brings them together? Death. Follow the younger sister and her friends as they search for her sister.
Joseph Asphahani followed Kevin Bragg
Kevin Bragg
Reader, gamer, writer, brewer.
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Joseph Asphahani recommended Transilience
"...and Transilience sauntered to my booth in this hazy, Mars-colony dive and handed me the case that would change me, change everything..." Like Noir? Like space? You'll love Transilience.
Transilience
Daniel Helmqvist, a PI in Mars’s only city, risks his career and his life to solve two high-stakes cases.
Joseph Asphahani commented on an excerpt of Transilience
(continued...) Right here... This is what reveals to me/the reader that maybe it's just money. And that's not good enough for someone as frikkin COOL as Helmqvist. He ought to chew this over a bit. He ought to look over her clothes and determine she's got $$$$ and that getting some of that means he can _______ for that one time he _______, and finally, after all these years, maybe he'll  ______. (I don't mean to be too harsh, Kevin. I think I'm getting passionate about your story because IT'S DAMN GOOD! Something's misfiring here. Maybe I don't know everything, that's fair. What you have so far is G-R-E-A-T, but I see some holes to fill in.)
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    Joseph Asphahani highlighted an excerpt from Transilience
    the customary amount of thinking.
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    Joseph Asphahani commented on an excerpt of Transilience
    I know this is her line, and I know we'll probably find out more later... BUT, for now, let me caution this story on framing its protagonist's journey around simply getting paid. No way. He has to get something else... What can the money lead him to? .... I actually ought to highlight something below... (to be continued...)
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      Joseph Asphahani highlighted an excerpt from Transilience
      I’m certain you have a healthy bar tab to pay-off.
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      Joseph Asphahani commented on an excerpt of Transilience
      Hmmmm, you're diluting the stakes here. No way would this gorgeous dame go through all this trouble if she just 'heard something'... (Oh! Maybe this is something Helmqvist can point out... I should read more...) But, point still stands - plunge us/readers straight into the danger zone. Maybe this lady's even followed, attacked...?
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        Joseph Asphahani highlighted an excerpt from Transilience
        I have overheard things
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        Joseph Asphahani commented on an excerpt of Transilience
        Hmmm.... Imagine how much more powerful this would be if this line just disappeared... Helmqvist should have A reaction, sure, but not this. He's tipping his hand just so you can toss in some exposition. Save it. It will come out later when he's walking down a dark New London alleyway or something, chewing on a cigar stub. (Okay, maybe not cigar stub, but you know what I mean.)  Hold the detail back. It will retain its power better later on.
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