Award winning screenwriter, newbie novelist, quantum physics enthusiast ... and avid reader, with a...
writer. cinephile. linguaphile. traveler. teacher. student. empath.
I’d deal with this scene as a bit of an out-take, personally. Maybe just describe the vision and put it all in italics. As it is right now, it feels kind of static, like it’s a normal thing on par with everything else going on, and it really shouldn’t be.
The scream hung in my mind for a moment. Something in that roar called to the magic in my veins. Instinctively, I looked at Rick’s reflection in the mirror. For a moment, the real world blurred. In my mind’s eye, the bedroom vanished. Without warning, I was in another place at a different more savage time. My hands were buried in long grass. Ahead of me, there was a misty hill with a barren tree at it’s peak. It’s twisted branches reached up like claws toward an overcast sky. The broken bodies of woad clad warriors littered the tiny hillside and a man stood over them axes in each hand, screaming his triumph. It was Rick, clad in skins and furs. His body was painted in vibrant blue angled shapes. The sockets of his skull were empty except for these horrible, buzzing lights. They popped and snapped like electric fireflies. Rick’s horrible visage turned toward me and he charged.
This doesn’t make sense. I assumed, earlier when Gwillion pulled up the info, that Rick’s criminal past was prior to his notoriety as an MMA fighter. If it comes after, then ... surely it’s all public knowledge and nobody would need to dig to find it out. And the police would have known exactly where/how to find him, so he couldn’t be "wanted" for very long.
At this point, I don’t know who/what Gwillion is, but I like her already. I like how this establishes her as sort of cute and naive, the sweet foil to Sebastian’s more sour demeanor.
I heard a tiny gasp of horror and Gwyllion replied in hushed tones. “I had to, Sebastian! It was on Oprah’s book club list.”
Feels like you’re repeating the point about it having been sold, in order to introduce the additional detail of how much it went for. Maybe combine this sentence with the previous? Or find a different word for "sold" ... see what works better.
