Chapter
I Am a Monster, and I Will Change
Aster
I took a deep breath. My body was beginning to tire of using ethereal with no success. My skin was paler, my eyes were sunken in, and I'm pretty sure from Tamryn's point of view I looked dead. Zajac said we needed to keep trying to use our ethereal, or we would forget how to use it in the first place. I think understood what he meant now.
My ethereal used to flow like a running river and flicker like a burning flame in my veins. Now, I could barely feel a drizzle running down my arm. The crystals handicapped my abilities for far too long.
I looked down at my cuffs. The jewels were bluer than the sky while the sun was awake. I let out the breath of air I stored in my chest with one final push of ethereal for the day and...
Crack!
I was frozen.
I took a glance at my once-blue-now-gray, cracked crystals. Water dropped down my skin, sliding slowly like it used to do before I was chained to this iron hell.
"Hey Aster," Tamryn whispered to me. "Are you okay? You're sweating an awful lot."
I couldn't find anything to say. My eyes couldn't move away from the thin shimmering lines in the fading-to-white jewels.
"What are you looking—by the Six Divines," Tamryn stopped mid-sentence, scooted close so the radiating warmth of her lips touched my ear. "What did you do?"
Zajac was so sure when he said they couldn't be broken by ethereal. I was only trying to keep my abilities strong. What was I to say? I wasn't sure how they broke. I was doing what I was doing before—storing Ethereal—the only difference was that I was storing it inside the crystals. Could the crystals only hold so much ethereal before they deposited the energy to where ever they stored it?
I Looked up at Tamryn and said, “I was sending ethereal into the crystals. I just wanted to keep my ethereal strong, because it has been three years since I used any of it. I just wanted to use my ethereal again. You could do it too.”
Tamryn shook her head no, “I can't even summon the slightest amount of my ethereal anymore." Her face darkened. "Besides, you're going to get caught. Dextris is—"
“Not if you don't tell,” I could feel my cheeks getting warm with anger. Surely I had enough wits to hide broken jewels. The only way I would get caught is if Tamryn or Zajac told one of the teachers. And I know for a fact Zajac wouldn't; I thought Tamryn wouldn't either.
“Girls,” Dextris's voice emerged from behind us. “Is something wrong? Aster, you look a bit flushed.” A look of disgust grew across his face, starting from his scowling lips. “You're sweating aswell.” His nasty, boney fingers entwined with the tangles, yanking my crimson hair.
I gripped my rangy clothes tightly in my hands, curling them into fists. My heart thudded against my chest. Dextris was right behind me. All he had to do was glance down at my wrists to see the shattered stones.
"Aster is feeling a bit sick," Tamryn spoke up. "She wasn't feeling well this morning, but the guards forced her to get up. I think she needs to go to Doctor Baxtin. I'll make sure she gets there okay."
A warm smile appeared on Dextris's lips instantly disguising his sickened expression, although we both knew it was fake. If it was up to him, he'd never have either of us leave. When his hands removed themselves from my hair, they folded together into place. "How sweet. Go ahead."
We left the room as fast as we could. But we still noticed the look Dextris gave us out the door. It was a cross between lust and gluttony. As soon as we were down the hall, far enough we knew Dextris couldn't hear, Tamryn began to talk. “He's such a creep. I hate him.”
I thought it would be appropriate to agree, “I hate them all.”
“What about Cerberus and Baxtin?” She gave me a puzzled look. “Baxtin cares about you. And I'm not blind, I know you go back to Cerberus's room to borrow his books.” Her curved lips looked sly. “What kind of books do you get anyway? All of his stories are old and boring.”
I was embarrased that she watched me, but I couldn't blame her. It was probably strange of me, going back to a grumpy old man's room after everyone was let out of the class. “They aren't boring—well some are. But, I like the ones with the heroes that win. Like the story of Rangor, or Deiddrad, or Maximus; Maximus is my favorite." The words sounded better in my head. I looked at Tamryn to see what expression she had. Her lip was bitten between her teeth, but the other half of her lips were curved upwards. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"That's so cute!" She exclaimed.
My cheeks flushed again. I was certainly not cute.
As the two of us walked down the hall, we could hear whispers that slowly grew louder and louder. We decided it was best to hurry past Cerberus's room since that's where the two voices seemed to come from.
“It was because of your own infatuation that, that happened!” Cerberus's old, musty voice shouted. “You were young and naive and you let a little girl get the best of you!”
The next voice that followed, was surprisingly Dimitrius's. “This is exactly what is happening with you! Except, this time, you don't have an excuse! I'm warning you Cerberus if you make a wrong move and let that, thing out, I'll personally kill you!”
Dimitrius stormed out of the room. The door slammed against the wall leaving a ringing echo down the hall Tamryn and I were walking down. The red must lingered in his face, then dispersed behind a mask of composer. He looked at us, completely frozen. “What are you two doing here? Get back to class!”
Tamryn's voice cracked as she began to stammer. “W-we were going t-to the doctor Baxtin, Dimitrius. Aster isn't feeling good.”
“I don't care if Aster isn't feeling good,” his voice grew louder as he transitioned to a raucous scream. “I wouldn't care if Aster was throwing up blood and kneeling over!” He paused angrily fumbling with something in his pocket. I guessed by the size of the object it was the same charm that he always had. The same charm he was turning in his hands when I first met him.
“Dimitrius,” Cerberus grabbed the younger man's shoulder and spun him around to face him. “I will not have you screaming at these children, getting them in trouble with Ursa, because you can't control your temper!” With compassion in his eyes he looked at us, especially me. “Both of you, hurry along.”
Dimitrius yanked his shoulder out of Baxtin's grasp and took a step back, facing his opponent. “If you lay another hand on me Cerberus, you will be sorry.” That's when he marched to me, his boots stopping on the creeping wood. I hoped that it broke under his weight, sadly, it remained sturdy. "Go back to Dextris's class Miss Tamryn. I'll escort our sensitive little flower to Baxtin if she is as ill as you say she is."
Tamryn looked at me with intense eyes. She knew Dimitrius would find my broken jewels. "You don't have to Teacher. You're probably busy enough!"
"Not busy enough to let monsters like you two escape," he turned, grabbing my arm, pulling me.
That's when I swallowed. My nervousness caused the ethereal water to collect on my skin even quicker. To make up for my dripping skin I stumbled into him a bit, acting as if I was dizzy. Something inside of Dimitrius softened then. He let me lean on him and he helped carry my weight. “Useless,” he muttered under his breath. Hair feel into my face and I smiled as he muttered. Maybe Dimitrius wasn't all bad. He still had the capability to care. Maybe the escaped girl the two teachers were arguing about is what hardened Dimitrius in the first place.
"Baxtin, open the door," Dimitrius knocked on the iron door. He did have more courtesy than most of the men who worked at the Iron School. “You have another sick one. She's falling over herself and sweating all over the place.”
Baxtrin's disembodied voice came from behind the door, surprisingly loud, though blocked by metal. “Hold on Dimitrius, I'll be right there.”
I could barely see with hair in my face and Dimitrius 's sleeve covering one of my eyes. I lifted my hand to pull back my bangs so I could see out of one of my eyes. There was a squeak and squeal of the iron door opening, then the next thing I knew was a harsh grasp and yank at my forearm. When I looked up I met with the doctor's scared blue eyes, innocent. At the upper right corner of my vision I saw Dimitrius's cold, dark, brown eyes, hateful. “You. Little. Bitch,” each word sounded like the beginning and end of three unknown sentences, like he couldn't decide how to start. “How did you—no..I don't care how.”
I was tired of being pulled around by Dimitrius, but this was defiantly the most violent lead. “Forget what I said Baxtin. You're unneeded.”
I heard Baxtin's foot steps running after Dimitrius, barely keeping up. “Dimitrius! Where are you taking her?” He knew where I was being taken. Baxtin made up for his mistake by saying, “You need permission!”
“I don't need any of the sort," he growled, but it sounded more like a howl.
Dimitrius locked me inside of a blank white room, then left saying he would return. The only object in the room was a single school desk, like the ones inside of all of the teacher's rooms. I looked inside of the desk and took out a stack of papers, a vial of ink, and a quill. This must have been the detention room for non-feral children; because the feral would just sit there, unknowing of what to do.
When I had the trio of utensils setting out on the desktop, I heard the door open and close behind me again. It was Dimitrius holding new iron cuffs. Only, these were different than the ones from before. They had thicker stones in the center and a couple of smaller stones on the left and right of the bigger ones. I gathered fire in my hand, but it snuffed out due to the collecting water on my skin. Dimitrius grabbed me by my wrist and held the cuffs to me, the crystals against my skin. So when I tried to use fire once more, it was absorbed into the iron cuffs.
“W-what's this?” I would scold myself later for letting my voice tremble before Dimitrius. But what was I supposed to sound like? I was terrified, and had every right. “Is it the same as before? What does it do?”
Dimitrius didn't hesitate stripping off my old iron cuffs and readying to slap the new ones on. Under the iron my skin was red and splotched; bumps and scrapes where there used to be fresh skin. “I don't know how you broke those ethereal guards, but you defiantly won't this time.”
Ethereal guards. The crystals? “What will these do to me?”
His dark eyes flashed up at me once the iron cuffs were safely strapped to my wrists. “Guard you of course—well, guard us.” He spat out the last word as if it were covered in something putrid. Us. The teachers. People who couldn't control ethereal.
I didn't like the tone of his voice. He sounded eery and ominous. He put a hand on my back and showed me the desk and pointed to the seat. “Sit.”
I looked up at him and I wonder what he saw hiding in my colorless eyes. Defiance? Strength? Question? He pushed me down and shoved the quill in my hand. “You will write this sentence over and over until I say otherwise.” He put his hands behind his back, continuing with a malicious, rasping tone, “I am a monster and I will change.”
I blinked blankly at him. I wasn't a monster. A monster was an evil creature without emotion. A monster was a Tracker. A monster was Dimitrius. Maybe he wasn't always that way, but the now was more important than once upon a time. I shook my head no. He bit the inside of his cheek, taking a breath before giving his next command. Obviously thinking about his word choice. "Do you want out of here?" He asked picking up the old cuffs off of the white wood floor. "You will write, 'I am a monster and I will change.'"
Again, I did nothing.
"Do you hear me?!" Dimitrius began to shout wildly. "WRITE IT!"
I dipped the quill in just enough ink to write what I wanted. I thought about it, hesitating as the quill touched down onto the paper. I am Aster, and I am beautiful.
Dimitrius didn't think so. His opinion of me was so low, a toad was cuter than I was. He forced my quill back in the ink and onto the paper. "WRITE IT!" He scream in my ear.
I blinked water out of my eyes and rewrote what I had said before. My hand was shaking with fear and my breath halted. I wasn't sure what to do. I wanted to write my sentence not his. 'I am Aster and I am beautiful.'
Dimitrius pushed my head down, grabbing my hair. I yelped as my face met with the desk and paper. Inky black words were imprinted on my forehead, trailing over my eye. 'I am Aster.'
"Stupid girl!" He grabbed my wrist and forced my hand to move. "Are you that unintelligent that you can't even remember the strokes?"
With every stoke the picture of the Trackers and guards appeared in my mind. The fire I used to burn the scarred man's face, and Aare; they were there too. All the pain of the last three years filled my head. Why did they want to hurt us so? Why were we the victims? Why was I getting my head bashed over a sentence? Over a gluttonous jewel? With every stroke Dimitius forced on me, my heart began to pound harder against my chest and ache.
I jerked away from Dimitrius and shook. I dipped the quill in the ink once more and wrote, 'I am a monster and I will change.'
The strokes began to feel good as I finished the sentence. I kept rewriting the words until they filled the page. 'I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change. I am a monster and I will change.'
Monsters are strong. Monsters are powerful. Monsters are killers. Monsters sought revenge.
I'm not sure when Dimitrius left. I ran out of ink and paper shortly after. The writing became an addiction. I scrambled for more ink, but there wasn't any. I slammed the quill tip on the desk in rage. I wanted ink. I needed ink. I yelled out, not because of my anger, but pain. Thick, red water streamed from the side of my hand where the quill had lodged it's self into. I stared at the water for a moment, thinking about where it came from.
I slid my finger over the wound and smeared the blood across the desk top. I needed ink. I picked up the quill and stuck my wound with the tip once more, ripping the flesh off of my arm to draw crimson life from the bubbling well. Anger inside of me was so potent I didn't even hear my scream, until the echoing memory resonated in my ears.
My fingers became a paintbrush as I smeared the words on the walls. I am a monster and I will not change. Why would I give up? If this is what they wanted me to be, this is what I would become. If Ursa and the others were the heroes, I would become the monster in their tale. And their tale would not end happily ever after.
***
I fell. My fingers finished sliding across the walls, finishing the last letter. The walls spun around me as I viewed my masterpiece. White canvases with red splatters and strokes. I pressed my arm against my chest. The pain started burning my everything, even though my recess of flesh only reached my wrist.
That's when the door opened and I saw the wall of horror led by Ursa, the Headmaster. Dimitrius was next to him, skin pale and eyes wide. Cerberus was leaning against the threshold while Dextris was covering his mouth, readying to run. Baxtin looked at Dimitrius in rage, his eyes mixing with fear. “You went too far Dimitrius!” He screamed at the dark haired man and ran to my side.
His arms wrapped around me as my arms began to flail. I screamed at him, “No! Put me down! Put me down!” My limbs were weak, and couldn't outmatch Baxtin. Though he hadn't lifted me yet due to my excessive flailing.
“Stop squirming Aster!” Baxtin raised his voice, without really raising it. “I need to help you, so you need to cooperate. You're going to bleed out.”
Cerberus came to my side as well and helped detain my arms. It didn't take a lot, seeing as I was exhausted and dizzy from blood loss. I looked up at them and the next thing I knew, I was swirling and waving in air. They must have been carrying me to Baxtin's office. I closed my eyes and drifted off.
I could see the brilliant blue sky all around me, the prickly green of the grass, under my back. I soaked in the rays of the life bringing light that warmed me from the inside-out. Suddenly, the blue turned black, and the stars came out from their blankets. A tear rolled down my cheek, tickling. There was no more warmth and no light.
I watched the stars begin to grow dimmer and dimmer. I was expecting the sun to make another appearance, but it's absence was noted. I tried to sit up, but the weight of everything then and now kept me down. The tears of astonishment now were tears of fear. I screamed out but a warm hand on top of mine stopped me. Someone...was here?
When I looked over, I saw no one. Only an echo of the future, “The stars... The stars are lights that never burn out. Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't there. You just have to look.”
When I awoke I was laying on a cot with a white blanket over me. A large man with a large belly, and white hairs, sat by my side; Cerberus. Baxtin was across the room preparing a cloth. He walked over and gently started rubbing the warm cloth against my face. He smiled a tired smile and greeted me. “Glad to see you're awake.”
I don't want to be awake. I wanted to just go into eternal sleep. I was finished with trying to survive on my own while the closest to me were no better than dead to me. I began to sob as the cloth washed away ink and blood from my face. I smacked Baxtin's wrist away and clawed him as I did so. Baxtin removed his hand with fresh red claw marks on the side of his fist. “Aster, I need to get that ink off of your face,” He mumbled under his breath. “Don't let what happened break you.”
I glared up at them and sobbed harder. I had nothing else to say to them.
Cerberus looked at Baxtin and said, “This needs to stop. We can't keep breaking them like this. This is another girl who defiantly won't graduate now.”
If I didn't know Baxtin, I would have thought he didn't care by the sound of his voice, but I knew his voice enough to know he was angry. “No student graduates anymore. You teachers put a stop to that.”
“You also are a teacher Baxtin!” Cerberus was offended. “I've been trying to change Ursa's mind, but that Ursa isn't the same Ursa I once knew. He's changed.”
Baxtin rolled his eyes. “It's too late for a change of heart, don't you think?”
So it's their faults that we can never escape. It's them who locked us in this void of despair and cold iron. I rolled over so I didn't have to face either of them, where they couldn't get the pleasure of seeing my tears. I can't take this anymore. We have to escape. Someday, I'll kill them all. They wanted a monster. Well, I'll become the most maleficent and the strongest monster they've ever seen. I'll rip their hearts out like they did mine.