Long story short, I don’t like this system as I can’t see my comments. If you want me to shred this for you, send Susan the prologue through the email thought the website. Please understand that it will be posted on the blog. You have a nice voice, and there is definitely promise here. Unfortunately this is not quite ready for publication in its present form. The most important issues here is that you failed to identify people, setting, time period, or anything else that would create connection between the reader and your characters. Therefore, the reader doesn’t really care what is happening to your people.
Devoid of any other options Joshua strode on in silence. He nervously scanned their surrounds for signs of their demise or salvation, whichever found them first.
Again, stimulus reaction. Also you have a POV switch. You went from being in Joshua’s head to omniscient.
Joshua stumbled into a new street. A huddle of people (what kind of people, street people, drunk college girls?) knelt at the next intersection, rummaging through what looked like a pile of filthy clothes. He took Sarah’s hand into his and darted across the street, into a dark mouth of another narrow alley. He didn’t hear any footsteps following them.
The two refugees stumbled into a new street, only to freeze when they spotted a huddle of people half a block down.
