Synopsis Edits: Proteus

Created about 2 years ago by Evan Graham with 5 comments
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Img 20160419 190710 kindlephoto 1225449 Tabi Card · Author · added about 2 years ago
The only critique I have is that, to me, half of your sentences seemed rather long. My suggestion: either re-word them with more punctuation to break them up, or condense. 
Vvrmleq2 Whoa · Author · edited about 2 years ago · 1 like
Glad I could help! Good luck @Evan Graham 
18278952 10105531439962004 7699412381249820269 o Evan Graham · Author · added about 2 years ago
Good points! Your point about saying the character’s name as quickly as possible makes sense, as does the urgent word usage. I’m taking those to heart.
I do think I want to keep the ship’s name "Somnambule." It is a bit of a mouthful, but it means "sleepwalk," which just seems really appropriate for a ship full of thousands of cryogenically frozen colonists on a long journey. I don’t think it’s going to be named often in the book itself, so it shouldn’t be too big an obstacle. :)
Vvrmleq2 Whoa · Author · edited about 2 years ago · 2 likes
"When mutiny splits the crew of the multi-generational colony ship Somnambule, Jacob Sicarius seeks to restore order at all costs."

You’ve managed to create another intriguing premise here, though I feel it would work better like this:

"Jacob must restore order when mutiny threatens to divide the crew of the colony ship Somnambule."

I think using words like "must" and "threatens" create more of a sense of urgency. I would also consider changing the name of the ship to something easier to read. If it’s a colony ship then maybe "Prosperity" would be appropriate; you decide. I also think if you’re focusing on one character you should use their name as soon as possible to immediately signal to readers who they’ll be following 

"Jacob must restore order when mutiny threatens to divide the crew of the colony ship Prosperity."
18278952 10105531439962004 7699412381249820269 o Evan Graham · Author · added about 2 years ago
I welcome critiques of any nature, although admittedly there isn’t much to critique yet. Still, hit me with whatever you’ve got.