Synopsis Edits: Clockwork Charlie

Created over 1 year ago by Ken Lindsey with 8 comments
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 nzkhmgt Evan Graham · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
@Ken Lindsey I have a feeling the "was came" bit was one of those things where you originally write a sentence a certain way, then think of a better way to say it and change it, but forget to fix one of the words. I catch myself doing that all the time!
Img 20160310 183906 Ken Lindsey · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
@Evan Graham  Thanks so much for pointing those things out, there was a formatting issue and I think it’s fixed now.  And wow, how did I miss "was came"?!?

The trailer is a... let’s call it a bookmark, until I can find someone to do a proper video for me.  You’re absolutely right about it being mostly back-story, and I want to remedy that asap.

Thanks again! 
 nzkhmgt Evan Graham · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
I spotted a couple of apparent typos in the prologue: your spacebar got sticky while writing "thelocks" and "awhole," and you have the auto that "was came into the shop."
The trailer does a good job of setting the backstory in motion, but it doesn’t tell us much about the present. I was fully expecting to be reading a story set in ancient Greek times by the end of the trailer.
Otherwise, I really like the premise. The idea of jealous gods fighting each other over a mortal they wish to lay claim to for her powers fits in perfectly with classic Greek mythology. If it weren’t for the modern setting, I’d completely buy the concept as an actual Greek myth, so props for nailing that tone. Lots of promise here, keep it up!
Dragon Nell Walton · Author · added over 1 year ago
I am glad that it is not just my geezer reading skills 😜
Img 20160310 183906 Ken Lindsey · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
@Nell I’ve been caught on that line several times as well, so it’s nice to have confirmation of it needing a touch up. I’ll hit it in the morning after a bit of coffee! Thanks

@Jeremy That’s a great idea, I haven’t messed with it much since I first launched and there was a very short word limit. I’ll dig in in the morning and see what I can make of it. Thanks for the thought!
Jeremy edit Jeremy R. Strong · Author · added over 1 year ago
Hey Ken, I was just wondering if the synopsis might mention Charlie by name and potentially foreground her over her ability...not sure if this is what you want to go with, but based on your chapter excerpts, her ability is so incredible that she can’t just be any young woman, she’s Charlie. I like the wording of being thrust between selfish gods and then only wonder what the implications of her being caught in that position are? "Now Charlie must X before Y" or something like that? Anyway, I’m loving the draft and wish you the best during Draftshares, I will pop in with a hard/soft critique once things get rolling! Best, Jeremy
Dragon Nell Walton · Author · edited over 1 year ago
I started reading it and liked the premise but I got confused in the first few graphs as to where the character was - unclear about WHAT "locks up better than this place." It was just a bit of a stumble for me, I went back to reread a few times to see if I missed something but I still couldn’t sort it.  Otherwise loved it.
Img 20160310 183906 Ken Lindsey · Author · added over 1 year ago
I’m posting this in the hopes of getting critiques for the project page and excerpts of my novel, Clockwork Charlie.  Hard critiques, soft critiques, anything that you think might be helpful will be much appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your time and thoughts!