First-timer in need of help!

Created over 1 year ago by Kim Whale with 18 comments
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Img 20160806 023915 Luke Fellner · Author · added over 1 year ago
@Kim Whale The sample is much better, very comfortable to read and the information seems logically placed. For advertising ideas, I have a forum I posted on called Strategy Guide, I put up ideas based on what other people said their successes and issues were. It’s mostly hypothesis though, as I haven’t tested any of them yet. They’re public domain ideas and I’d say they’re worth a shot. Let me know if you try any of them and how they worked out for you.
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
Hey everyone, I’ve made the changes you have suggested that I agree would augment the story. Please go have a look and tell me if you think it has improved. 

I’m also looking for advice on how to drum up interest in the book. Any and all tips welcome! 
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
I was trying for more of something where they’re used to being harassed, but the violence is new. I’ll see if i can figure out a way to fix that. Thanks! 
Lxftacps Brian Marsden · Author · added over 1 year ago
I like it so far. Love to see more. Only comment- She acts like attacks on Blanks aren’t unusual. Given that I would expect some of the blanks to be armed. Gun, knife, big walking stick or something. When repression has been going on for a while people start preparing.  "God made all men different. Samuel Colt made them equal."
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
That’s a good note! Thanks much! 
Img 20160806 023915 Luke Fellner · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
@Kim Whale I tend to spend little time describing a setting as well. It’s a good technique to use, but when I read your first chapter I didn’t know it was in a church until deep into it. Perhaps adding that simple detail earlier on will add to the chapter. The detailed situations were spot on, and I compliment that. You do a great job at displaying the awkwardness of being in a group counseling session, keep it up!
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
@Luke Fellner thanks for the suggestion! I used to spend far too much time describing the setting and thoughts and such in my stories, but in recent years I’ve grown to love spare, simple writing. I find when bare prose is done right, it is extremely fertile ground for the imagination. It is not a popular style these days, and it is a work in progress. I will try to revise chapter 2 to have more colour per your suggestion and see if that strikes more true. 
Img 20160806 023915 Luke Fellner · Author · added over 1 year ago
@Kim Whale I’d like to recommend adding more to the environment and setting. Think to yourself, What are their surroundings? What feeling does it give the character? What kind of place is it? Try answering those somewhere in the first few paragraphs. Those might not be the exact questions that need to be answered for the setting, and you do have a great story building up, but it’s something to think about as you edit or continue writing.      
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
Again, thank you for giving me your time and attention. I welcome anyone else who would like to give me more feedback - so far it has been hugely helpful!
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
Thanks, Shahaf! 
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
Thanks for the feedback. I will revising the opening. I know it’s risky to be so slow paced on page 1, but it was a deliberate choice. I will definitely follow your suggestion about the description. It’s the first thing people see, so that makes a lot of sense. 
10492145 10152537787574467 5636434093663626414 n Ricardo Henriquez · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
Hi Kim

I just read your page and your excerpt.  My first impression is you need to revise your premise and the story description. It was really hard for me to understand what the book was about. I suggest you keep it a little bit more straight forward. All the rhetorical questions interfere with the flow.

I thought your excerpt was good. Very well written. I would just suggest getting to the action faster. But I guess that’s just a matter of taste.

Good luck in the contest.
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
Now someone has! I’ll read after work. 
1974979 10202243831070040 1581185587 n Nicholas Ivan Ladendorf-Atreides · Author · added over 1 year ago
I don’t know if it’s hurt you to be away. I’ve been consistently building my web presence for 15 years and my book currently has zero views.

Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · added over 1 year ago
Thanks for reading, and letting me know what you think! It won’t all be dark, I just needed to set a tone for contrast. I’ll keep it in mind to balance it better. 
Pakk! Jacob Zoller · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
A bit darker than I usually like to read, but it was well written. I don’t really have any particular critiques due to my level of inexperience with the darker style of fantasy. But it was well written.
Cb b w small inkshare Cem Bilici · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 1 like
Personally, I just stumbled in by mistake, so have no intention of putting my story up to the brilliant competition :)

Loving your concept and what I read of the first chapter so far. About to head to bed but will be giving it a more thorough read through tomorrow and some feedback.
Photo 4  47220 Kim Whale · Author · edited over 1 year ago · 2 likes
Hello, forums. I know everyone here seems to have their eyes on the same prize, and I’m increasingly convinced my long absence from the interwebs has handicapped me for the G&S competition. Such is life and life choices, I’m still going to try! 

That said, this is my first attempt at being published or anything on Inkshares. I would love feedback of any kind on my book. Any at all, really. Fire away!