Chapter
It's Legal
Throw out every preconceived notion of everything you ever learned or been told about the legal system. Take all of your favorite television crime show watching knowledge and squash it like an annoying gnat on your arm. Every single molecule of legal information that you have accumulated over the years from jury trials in traffic court, to your friend from college that got popped selling dope, is absolutely worthless. Assume you don't know diddly freaking squat. Nothing in Family Law Court works logically. Fairness is only one sided in Divorce Court, and by definition, is anything but. It is (anti) Family Court.
My precious baby boy was legally kidnapped by my ex-wife. At the time, my son Cade was a mere thirty (30) days old. The next year and half would be the worst days of my life. The fight to be a normal dad would destroy me financially. Emotionally, I instantly empathized with the families of kidnap victims desperately trying to find their children. I naively believed the system worked.
In the state of Texas, where I reside, specifically Houston, one parent can take a child from the other parent, and keep possession until a judge issues a “Temporary Order for Custody". That Order can take years to be issued. It is common legal strategy for the parent that has possession to delay the Temporary Order hearing for as long as possible. Depending on the county’s population and the number of Family Courts, it can take many years. In big city counties, Family Law Courts are back logged. There is no legal requirement for that hearing to happen soon after separation or during a contested custody battle. And that's just the "Temporary Order," the permanent settlement happens after that. Prison is full of dads that "freaked out” during this ambiguous time. Sadly, murder happens.
Thinking that my Ex-wife and I would be working on mending our marriage, seeking counseling, attending self help meetings, communication workshops, wrongly assuming we both wanted to keep the family together, I did not immediately file for divorce. I was being "played". She wanted our son all to herself. Five months passed before I finally realized, my son had been kidnapped! If I wanted to see him, I would have to take action.
Everyday, not seeing my son, was torturous. Sleepless nights were common. My job as a real estate broker was becoming more difficult by the minute. As owner and acting manager of a transitional living facility for addicts and alcoholics, I had no more tolerance to deal with their bullshit. After all, I had been sober for eight years. I felt completely alone. I was alone. My mother died a year before my son was born. Dad died when I was three. Intense fear began to consume me. Isolated and alone, I yelled, "Cade will not be raised without a father like I was." That sucks. I know. Anger and resentment was the fuel in my soul. I thought of one thing only, how do I get my son back? Please God, how do I get my son back?
Hiring a Family Lawyer was now my top priority. This was not an easy task. I knew I would need money, lots of it. Who would I hire for this life altering task? I sought out referrals from friends. Everybody knows somebody. I did my due diligence. I researched attorneys on the internet. I made my share of phone calls. I believed as soon as I got the chance to tell my story to a lawyer, they would be outraged like me. Lawyer empathy, I discovered, is rare. Lawyer sympathy doesn't exist. Apparently, legal kidnapping happens all the time and no one gives a shit.
I eventually settled on a female lawyer I knew from Recovery. Thinking a female attorney would be a smarter choice for a man trying to get his child back, believing my new lawyer, whom also was a mother, would have a special emotional connection with me, my assumptions were wrong again. Lawyer number one took my five thousand dollar retainer. I borrowed half that money from a friend. I was "all in".
Perhaps you've heard, about half of all marriages end in divorce and about half of the divorces have children. Legally, according to Lawyer #1, both parents have equal custody rights when you separate. The reality is the parent that has the child has all the control. How does the parent that does not have possession gain access to their children if the spouse has no willingness to give you that access? Can you physically go to their location and take your child if the possession parent tries to prevent you from doing so? According to Lawyer number #1, yes, it's legal to do that.
Police are often brought into these civil disputes because one side thinks the cops will side with them. In most cases, cops aren't lawyers, and don't know the law any better than you. The female knows all she has to do is make the call, if the police show up; the man is going to jail a majority of the time. It's legal!
What happens if your spouse calls the police on you and they show up when you're not there? What happens if someone erroneously files a criminal complaint on you that you are completely unaware of? Do people lie to police? Can a completely bogus complaint get you thrown in jail and charged with a crime without your knowledge? Do the police have an obligation to actually investigate the compliant? Do they have to contact the accused and get their side of the story? Is the DA compelled to investigate a compliant? Does the definition of investigate mean they actually reach out to the accused? If you are on the other side of the compliant, if you are the accused, may I be blunt? You're fucked. It's legal!
All police officers and police departments are not created equally. They are all only human. All people have their innate prejudices, biases, and unique character flaws. Police are no exception. The problem is when innocent people get sucked into this legal vortex. It is not the exception, it is the norm.
It's a win for the other side if the wrongly accused go to jail even for a few days. It's a win for the other side, if you are wrongly accused of a crime, even if you are found to be innocent in court. It's a win for the other side if you're forced to spend "boat loads" of money to defend yourself. It's a win for the other side if you have any felony or misdemeanor arrest during a divorce and custody fight. In reality, you are presumed guilty.
Desperate to see my son, I would take my attorney's advice to "bring a friend, video it, and don't get into a violent confrontation," she said. I felt empowered for the first time in five months. I was going to get to be a dad. I was determined to bring my son home.
Almost five months had passed since my ex-wife had taken my son Cade. She recently left the state with our son without any notification until after the fact. I wasn't sure when she would be back. I decided instantly to divorce my wife and seek custody of my six month old baby boy.
I would drive by my ex- wife's uncle’s house every day and night hoping to see cars in the driveway indicating they had returned. Park City vacation is what my ex called it. Ten long days and nights passed before finally seeing the car back in the driveway. They were back!
The next morning I sought the assistance of a male friend to accompany me to my ex-wife's uncle’s home. This is where my ex and my son had been staying. I asked several female friends to go with me, hoping that would give me credibility for some reason (like I needed credibility), they all denied my request. They knew something I did not. Armed with my cell phone video camera, a friend and his cell phone video and fatherly determination, we were on our way.
Knock. Knock. No answer. Knock. Knock. No answer. Her Uncle Peeve's house has lots of windows and glass, a modern loft style design. Anyone standing at the front door or side doors can see in the home. I can clearly see my ex-wife and son lying on the couch not answering the door. My friend and I, video cameras rolling, walk to the side door. Still, we are ignored. I knocked louder and faster, still no response. Finally, Uncle Peeve opens the door only to say "come back later." I walked in, picked up my child off the couch, and replied “I’m taking my son home."
My son was a mere 10 feet from the front and side door entrance. Instantly, I tried to leave. The Ex's Uncle Peeve, blocked the front door entrance. Immediately, I turned to side door to exit, my Ex blocked that door. Once again turning to escape, I headed to the garage hoping to open the garage door and escape. Her Aunt prevented that too.
As this is happening, everyone involved knows this is being videoed. The ex-wife and her family also pull out their camera phones and begin filming. Almost comically, they begin play acting for their own show. Uncle Peeve shouts, “you’re entering my house illegally," " You look so angry, are you seeing a counselor?" Her aunt chimes in, “You’re hurting Cade, Your hurting me, get of my house." Of course they are blocking my exit and are determined to not let me leave. The entire scene is on video. Everything they verbalize is untrue and can be proven so, by the numerous videos that everyone is taking. My son Cade is asleep on my shoulder for the 15 minute duration.
I believe it's totally obvious to any sane person, with eyes to view the video, can see the truth. My ex-wife and her family are doing their very best to create chaos. It is clear, they are digging deep to provoke a desperate daddy into violent, stupid behavior. They fail in their provocations. It is completely obvious they want violence. I don't fall for it. My emotions are trying to get the best of me. Every daddy instinct in me, says, punch the son of bitch. Take him out. Give him what he's begging for. Just one hit. He's my son, you kidnapping piece of shit! Those thoughts were hard to suppress.
I try to safely leave with my son for approximately fifteen minutes. I try hard to not create chaos. I succeed in that attempt. It is backed up by video evidence. I'm cool. There's nothing to worry about. I keep telling myself, just stick to the plan, just stick to the plan.
My friend speaks up, tells me it's time to leave. He's right. It is time to leave. I wasn't going to leave with my baby without getting physical. I chose to place Cade back on the couch. I left without my son. I felt extremely frustrated. My adrenaline was pumping so hard, I feared a heart attack. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I had failed to bring my son home. It was a bitter defeat for daddy. I was mad at my friend for my perception that he didn't step up. In retrospect, I expected him to do what I could not, punch the fucker out. My expectations of my friend were completely unrealistic. Later, I made amends for dragging him into my highly personal situation.
In Texas and across America, every year, fathers and mothers try to be proactive in getting their children. Last year in Texas, many parents tried to bring their kids home, some succeeded, most did not. Numerous parents are arrested each year. The numbers are huge. How is it, that the Family Laws now create this type of desperate situation? For some reason the law assumes fathers can deal with this separation from their children better.
Societal bias, and the law, presumes women are the natural care givers. This bias presumes most fathers are not only inferior to women in parenting, but also assumes men have less desire to be the primary parent. I am not aware of any statistical study that definitively answers that question. Perhaps it is true; the majority of men do not want to be an equal custodial parent. However, unless it is proven that one hundred percent (100%) of women make better parents, and it is also proven that one hundred percent (100%) of those women want the responsibility of primary care giver , each individual case should be presumed that both parents equally desire to be primary custodial parent and that each parent is assumed to be a qualified parent until facts , and I do mean facts, not opinions or misperceived facts, but actual facts, that each parent is equally qualified to be primary custodian.
Two weeks after my attempt to rescue my son, on a relaxing beautiful Sunday afternoon, there is an aggressive knock on my door. I live in a high- rise with concierge and secured access. No one from the front desk has called to notify me someone is here to see me. The knocks become more aggressive. I get scared. My mind is racing. Is this one of the unsavory characters from my transitional living facility coming to hurt me? Most of those people had criminal records. I was threatened regularly from some of the relapsing former tenants who blamed me for kicking them out. Could it be a home invasion? Something wasn't right. "Open the door; we have a warrant for your arrest." What? I thought. There aren't any unpaid traffic tickets I have floating around out there. Something just didn't add up. I was too scared to even look in the peep hole. So, I quietly walked to the back bedroom and called my divorce attorney. There was no answer. I'm starting to think this is legit. How can there be a warrant for my I arrest? I haven't done anything wrong. My ex-wife, it has to be something related her. More banging on my door. Bam! Bam! Bam! "Open the door. HPD!" Still freaked out, I decided I'm going to open the door, but I better tell somebody first or I will be stuck in jail with no ability to call anyone. I don't know anyone's phone number. All those numbers are saved in my phone. Besides, who knows anyone’s phone numbers these days? Not me, that’s for sure. From jail, all calls are collect calls, and most cell phones don't accept collect calls. I had better reach someone now or I could be in jail for a week before anyone even knows where I am. I call a friend, get voicemail. Damn it, I'm screwed.
I'm starting to panic. One minute I'm chilling on the couch watching football, the next instant, I fear for my safety and my freedom. Slowly, I inch back into the living room and B- line to the front. I open the door.
Four uniformed Houston Police Officers, rush in, guns drawn pointed at my face, the leader, yells “on the ground mother-fucker! We have a felony warrant for your arrest, on the ground fucker." I make the mistake of looking confused and asking, “for what?" That was a big mistake. Immediately I'm thrown to the ground, four cops violently force me down on my stomach. One cop shoves his boot on the back of my neck. I feel the loaded gun touching the back of my head. To this day, I'm not sure which cop it was. There is zero resistance from me. The feel of a cold steel gun pressed against the back of my head by men whom seem to be enjoying their jobs way too much, was petrifying.
I was handcuffed. I was leg cuffed. The door to my apartment was open. The television was still playing the Texan game. My panic and fear turns to intense anger. I repeatedly asked, “why am I being arrested?" “What did I do?" None of the officers would tell me what the warrant was for. I was escorted down the hall of the high-rise and on to the elevator. On the way down, the elevator stops on a lower floor, thinking, oh my God, what if someone I know sees me like this? The elevator door opens, there is a good friend, standing, waiting for the elevator. How embarrassing was that!
I'm thrown in the cop car. I demand to know why I'm being arrested. Finally, one of the officers phones in my warrant. Some of the arresting officers honestly didn't even know what my arrest warrant was for. Amazing, I thought. Even "Dog-the-Bounty- Hunter" knows who and why he's going after someone. There are dangerous people out there. I do watch TV. Don't they?
The district attorney’s office issued the warrant for “Burglary" with aggravated circumstance with "Intent to Assault". I was arrested for a class A Felony. This was a very serious charge. My criminal attorney informed me, the law is on the books primarily to capture would-be rapist who break into someone's residence to rape and assault. The minimum sentence is mandatory five years in the state penitentiary. Holy shit! This just happened! How is this possible? Can they do this?
My ex-wife and her family did call the police on me two weeks earlier. The day I tried to return my son home, is the day they called. They fabricated a complete story. Months later, I finally got to see the police report. The report was utter fantasy. I almost lost my life over a big lie. Now, I had to fight this bogus charge. It hung over the divorce and custody proceedings like the Houston humidity on a hot summer day. There was no escaping it.
The filing officer never investigated their complaint against me. Giving new meaning to the term "incompetent,” the officer never even called me to ask me what happened. I did have multiple videos of the entire incident. I was not aware that a compliant had been filed. To my astonishment, it's legal!
The district attorney office ultimately recommended felony charges with aggravated circumstances be filed. The DA's office did not investigate this complaint. They too, never even bothered to call and ask me what happened. They can do that. It's Legal!
I was in jail for five days before I was able to convince another inmate to ask his wife to look up the number to my business attorney, Jeff. Fortunately for me, the inmate’s wife did track down his number. I called his office collect. His secretary did accept the charges. I still think I would be in jail now if she had not taken the call. Initially, I asked Jeff to call my divorce attorney to bail me out. He did call; she refused to bail me out unless I gave her another 5k. Paying someone five thousand while you're sitting in jail is impossible. A common fact you would think an attorney would understand. The fact that I was arrested because of her bad legal advice, mattered not. The outrage in me was palatable.
Lawyers don't have to do what you hire them to do. That's legal! Lawyers don't have to refund money if they do an incompetent job. It's legal! Lawyers can justify burning through your money one thousand different ways. It's legal! Lawyers can charge you three hundred an hour for the phone call you make to ask how did they spend your retainer so fast. It's legal! Lawyers can effectively blackmail you for more money just before court dates and if you don't pay, they can quit. It's legal!
Judges make judgments that aren't legal all the time. That's legal! It's up to you to Appeal their rulings. Judges are God in family court. It's legal! Judges in Family Court, in Texas, are your judge for the duration of their term on the bench. You can't get out of a specific court if a judge is bias against you. It's legal!
The sad and unexpected reality for me was, I did not anticipate nor did I understand how little power I actually had. It was me vs. her attorney and my attorney. Maybe, I was naive. Clearly, I was not informed. All the power was with the judge. I wonder how many children the judge in my court, is playing father to? The Judge is the "parent" to all the cases he rules on. Think about it. Because there is no uniform standard for custody, the judge has discretion on every case. Let's face it; all judges are not qualified. There is no legal requirement for Judges to be educated in child custody. In Texas, judges are elected ( that's another book). Some judges are qualified and some are not. All judges are not bad. Some have the best of intentions. So!
Family Law is seriously flawed. Our society has silently suffered monumental pain. Millions of families destroyed financially.
Millions of good people emotionally obliterated. Why should society place this huge burden on judges? If there are no prior circumstances that should warrant intervention, why should there be? Is the cost to our society greater because Family Court inherently acts from the position of fear? Is it fair to put such a huge burden on a Family Court Judge whom tries to prevent the next child from being abused or killed by a parent?
How people take their own lives because of the decisions the Family Court Judge makes? How much severe depression has been thrust into our communities. Alcoholism and drug addiction regularly occur during custody battles and far beyond the court decision, lasting a life time.
Can those tragic situations ever be predicted or prevented because of a judge’s ruling? Should good parents be forced to be judged by that standard of fear, the "What If's?" No judge wants the worst case scenario played out on his or her watch? Or as my ex-wife's attorney put it, " your honor wouldn't be in the best interest of the court to err on the side of caution?” What happens? Society and good parents pay the price. It's legal!