Chapter 1


This guide is meant to provide instruction to members of the Undead. The term Undead covers all soulless, blood-drinking beings including, but not limited to: Vampires, Vampyres, Blue Bloods, Strigoi, Vampir, The Damned, Nosferatu, and Bloodsuckers. Succubi and Incubi may find some portions of this guide useful, but they are not the intended audience. This guide is not intended to serve as a guide for Zombies, Ghouls, Ghosts, or Walkers, as these beings have their own set of rules. Also, - spoiler alert - two of them don’t even exist.

The book is divided into three parts:

Part 1
Introductory Get With the Program: The 12 Steps

Part 2
Intermediate Get With the Program: Vampiric Modus Operandi

(Featuring Chapter 2: Vanishing without a Trace, Chapter 3: Room and Board, and Chapter 4: Tips, Tricks, and Dirty Deeds)

Part 3
Advanced Get With the Program: Modus Mortuus Vivendi

(Featuring Chapter 5: Morality Beyond Mortality and Chapter 6: Now What)

Part 1

Introductory Get With the Program: The 12 Steps

Step 1: Read Up

Get yourself a copy of this book. Sure, your Sire may stick around for a bit to show you the ropes, but as many a single mother would attest; you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. So, read up and be your own damned hero. The information contained within these pages will help you through it. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll assume you have a deadbeat Sire from here on out.

Step 2: Pack Your Bags

You’ll want to commit your first hour of darkness to wrapping up any loose ends that remain dangling from your human life. Determine the cover story for your disappearance and do what needs to be done. Now is the time to think quick. Very quick. Some go-to cover stories can be found in the Chapter 2: Vanishing Without a Trace.

Pro Tip: If you have the chance, grab some saran wrap before you hit the road. Or a plastic bag if you’re nasty. A list of other handy items to pack can be found on page #.

Step 3: Stealth Escape

Lay low. I repeat, lay very fucking low. And it’s often best to take that literally. Sewers, waterways, caves, abandoned subway lines, hazard areas, dense forests, untended cemeteries - if it’s dark and unpopulated, it’ll make a good route to get out of dodge. Do not make one last visit to your family, do not stop to feast on your schoolyard bully, and DO NOT commit grand theft auto. Now is not the time to pay your ex a visit and it doesn’t matter if you made a pact with your best friend to turn them if you ever became a supernatural creature. Don’t do it. Move quickly. Move quietly. Stick to the shadows. And leave no evidence in your wake.

Step 4: Fast Food

While you’re on the road, keep your eyes out for opportunities to grab a quick meal. If you don’t, your first daytime slumber is going to be an excruciatingly long one. Limit yourself to one meal only. People are not Pringles, so you had better stop at first pop. Now is not the time to ask why - we’ll get to that later. Some pointers for eating on the run can be found in the Fine Dining section of Chapter 3: Room and Board.

Step 5: Get Dirty

Remember when I said lay low? Well, it’s time to revisit that. An hour or so before the sun comes up you’ll want to find yourself a bit of dirt (or mud, or swamp, or sea) that’s a good distance removed from the ever-growing human presence. Found it? Now dig. If you’ve managed to bring along some saran wrap, do yourself a favor and wrap that shit around your head. Tight. After you dig yourself out, you’ll thank me. Fail to do so and you’ll be stuck with maggot-clogged nostrils and muddy hair until you find a way to give yourself a decent wash.

Step 6: Set Up Shop

Repeat steps 3 through 5 until you’ve adequately escaped your search zone (see page #). Done? Great! Now it’s time to find yourself a new dwelling. When selecting your zip code, always head towards the cold and seek out an impoverished urban landscape. You’ll want to find an area that is devoid of modern surveillance or any semblance of community. The crime-saturated urban ghetto is your friend.

Once you’ve selected your city, you’ll want to establish shelter. One location will do for now, but as you settle down you may find that it’s helpful to have a few home bases to fall back on. Housing tips and tricks can be found in Undead Realty section of Chapter 3: Room and Board.

Step 7: Learn the Rules

The Rules are your new mantra. They are simple and they are absolute. Learn them, live them, and enforce them. That is our way.

  • Rule # 1 - There is no such thing as a vampire.
    Seriously, there isn’t! I’m not a vampire. You’re not a vampire. That guy who bit your neck and then made you bite his most certainly isn’t a vampire either. Anyone who says otherwise is being silly. Everyone knows that vampires don’t really exist. It’s all just a joke. Say it with me now: A vampire? That’s funny! Ha. Ha. Ha.
  • Rule # 2 - Thou shalt not reveal thyself to be a vampire.
    Through neither deed nor word shall any living creature survive knowing what it is that you are. You must live a controlled existence. No witnesses. No evidence. No suspicion. Consider this the Platinum Rule.
  • Rule #3 - Thou shalt Sire an offspring at no greater frequency than once per century.
  • Rule #4 - Thou shalt not suffer another vampire that has broken any of the first three Rules.
    A vampire that breaks the rules must be hastily ended. If you question your ability to do so, take the deed to an elder.

Step 8: Live the Rules

It’s one thing to know the rules, but it’s a whole other endeavor to actually live by them. Guidelines and pointers can be found in Chapter 4: Tips Tricks and Dirty Deeds.

Step 9: Basic Survival

You’ve been gifted with the ability to shrug off disease and old age. But don’t forget that you can still be killed via extremes of violence, starvation, and fire. Read up on the basics in the Survival 101 section of Chapter 4: Tips Tricks and Dirty Deeds.

Step 10: Contingencies

No one’s gonna make these plans for you, so you had better make them for yourself. There is no room for sloth, neither physical nor mental, in the Undead lifestyle. Lose your diligence, lose your unlife.

Step 11: Self-Control

At the end of the day, self-control is the biggest and best tool at your disposal. Whether your impulse is for more blood, more socialization, or more violence; a little restraint will go a long way in ensuring your long-term survival. Start small and build it up. At first it might be the act of not wearing your favorite shirt or not cheering for a favorite sports team. Eventually you will build up to being able to pass on the very last drop of blood. It may be difficult, but restraint is crucial. Start practicing now. Better yet, start practicing yesterday.

Step 12: Passing the Time

Once you’ve gotten the undead basics down, you’ll start to discover that you have surplus of ever-replenishing time on your hands. Free Time is the enemy of Self Control. Stifle it with new projects, hobbies, and activities.