DEPRESSION, HOW IT FEELS

The story of Jeffery Xavier

My name is Bills Xavier, this is my story, what I was, this is me been all caught up in the middle of nowhere.

It all started when I lost my mom to cancer in the year 2000. Her sudden demise really turned my life around for a reasonably long time. This is my mom whom I loved so much, she was all I had, a mother, a friend and sometimes a dad (because my dad was a traveler), and now she is gone forever.

Life felt horrible indeed, sometimes “I felt so alone in my world.” I just can’t recall all about my story because then I barely see myself handle things right or wrong…I just exist in shadows or something I don’t know, but this is part of me, part of my story,

I can recall making it clear to my family members, pastor and friends to let me die because living has not been any better, that I do not care if I die (maybe that would make me feel better) someday. I felt so depressed that if I could choose, dead would have been my nearest option.

Nightmares were my life partners, I never slept a week without having 2-3 nightmares…imagine trying to run from a beast when physically it is so obvious that I can’t. This happens so often that I wondered why humans sleep at night. These period of the day added nothing except miseries and more horror to my life, the more I sleep at night, the more my mental health was into jeopardy. I could say “those were dark days of my life.”

Though, growing up, I was in the midst of so much love from my parents, siblings, extended family members, church members, friends and a lot, but that never gave me the satisfaction I had always wanted, the freedom from the pain I was in. I had no receptive feelings of all the love I got from these persons.

When I turned nineteen, my dad told me as a suggestion that it would be nice visiting a psychologist while taking some medication to help reduce my problem and possibly heal me. I had been on anti-depressant medications for some time but proved abortive. At this point I had to accept me, to accept who I was and take it as part of me, not knowing I would be cured as I am today.

I began to see the condition I was as permanent, so I started living as one statement of bible time goes; “let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we are to die” (1Corinthians 15:25). I started drinking and misusing drugs a lot, all in a bid to find lasting cure to my problem while unconsciously and indirectly adding more to it. A measure of my problem left at the time and some came in, (like there was a change of accommodation or something), but all the same, I felt no better after. “I felt like I was drowning in myself,” I couldn’t help but continue with the lifestyle.

It is kind of hard trying to explain the feelings you get from being depressed though, but I believe you can get a glimpse of what I experienced. Coming this far means a lot to me, it is a great feeling I must say.

My Long Awaited Deliverance

My behavioral conduct sends out a message to people, a message that I wasn’t normal no matter how normal I sometimes pretend to. I got noticed by many including a self-acclaimed pastor and a social worker by profession, who later became one of my closest friend till date. He asked me to quit smoking and drinking as these weren’t good for my mental health.

From my regular interaction with him, he helped me understand the power of reading the bible and praying regularly. I have rea the bible several times and prayed though, but this time, things changed. As an added advantage on my part, he is a social worker, and been a professional social worker, he gave me educational guide to help me master my emotions and win the fight against my very self.

Growing up, it was sometimes not easy for me to belief miracles exist, but I do now. I am in fact a living proof of existing miracles. I don’t know how miracles work, but it works. I seriously do not know how on earth I got here, but I am excited I made it through. I am thankful to all those who painstakingly had to endure all of my annoying behaviors making sure I escape this distressing situation.

THE END.