Purchase Options

  • Price: $7.99
  • Quantity:
  • Price: $13.99

The Voyager probes were sent out into the universe to give any alien life an idea of what things are like on Earth, and they were built under the assumption that whatever they might encounter would be peaceful. In the past twenty-four hours, one of the probes has gone AWOL and the other is headed straight back to Earth with an alien megastructure attached. Hindsight is always 20/20, but it’s really a shame the probes included coordinates to Earth. Now, the world is panicking as an alien force bounds toward our pale blue dot with destruction is on its agenda.

This general feeling of impending doom by the general public is not helping George Butler feel any better about his life. He is a burned out nurse at the busiest ER in the greater Cleveland area, and this "end is near" vibe sweeping the world has only quadrupled his patient load. On top of this, his girlfriend Eliza has been increasingly nervous and distant recently, and George fears that she is thinking of ending the relationship. All George wants to do is finish out his shift and spend some time with Eliza on their dating anniversary.

The last patient George sees is the cherry on top of a shit sundae of a shift. The man claims to be an alien and will only go by "Mr. Butler" after stealing George’s last name from his ID badge. The patient won’t let George leave the room, babbling on about flying a spaceship shaped like a Victorian-style home and landing it directly on top of George’s house. After finally cutting off the conversation and dodging every manipulative attempt by his charge nurse to convince him to stay and work, George finally gets to go on his date with Eliza.

Unfortunately, since George forgot to make dinner reservations and the news stations are warning everyone to stay inside because of an imminent alien threat, the date doesn’t quite go as planned.

George tries to preserve things by inviting Eliza to his house to cuddle up in front of a movie, but his backup plan is ruined by the fact that there’s an enormous Victorian-style house sitting right on top of George’s house.

And is that one of the Voyager probes lodged in its lovely wraparound porch?

About the book

This book is meant to be taken seriously. At all costs. If you are offended by comedy or ridiculous situations, then you’ve come to the right place, because I’ve taken great care in my research to design The Man Who Stole the World to be as scientifically accurate as possible. I’ve performed all feats in this book, or at least had a friend try them and tell me what it was like, and what I couldn’t accomplish I Googled, so it’s all factual as hell.

Think planets can’t be miniaturized? They can be. I’ve met a guy who said he did it once. He was playing the saxophone on the side of the street and only charged me a dollar and a ham salad sandwich for the information. That’s a bargain.

Think space pirates don’t exist? Well, tell that to a space pirate. They might not call themselves space pirates, per se, but they will exist nevertheless.

Think throwing a reaction bomb into the sun and then riding the resulting supernova away from danger is a silly idea? Then you obviously haven’t tried it. I’ll admit it’s a difficult thing to do, but with enough Googling, anything is possible.

The Man Who Stole the World is mostly biography. Sure, there are some embellishments, as biographies are mostly boring without a little flair mixed in. But the facts are factual, and the science is so hard, you won’t believe it. Trust me.

You should order this book if you care about the reason the Earth is safe from one of the greatest threats it has ever faced and learning about the people who stepped up to face the threat we faced to its face.

What are you waiting for? Harder science? More operatic space?

The Man Who Stole the World is a hard space opera so hard with facts the book doubles as a weapon because of its hardness.

I’d say more, but I know you’ve already bought a copy. Thanks for caring about facts.

And no laughing, unless you laugh hard.