The Ice Queen at the Ass End of the World

Chapter 1

        As the plane cruised at 30,000 feet, Chum Mullet was looking across the isle over the shoulder of a thin but doughy guy, in a shabby bottom end polyester blend business suit. His skin looked like a moldable material of some sort. He felt that if he pushed his finger into the guys arm, it would probably leave a depression... Maybe even a finger print. Silly putty, that’s what he looked like. Silly putty with no chin. A real book worm turtle puss type. Always the bossed, never the bossy. He briefly wondered exactly what this guy went through in life to de-evolve into such an obvious sad sack. Probably 30 years of henpecking from an overbearing wife who was a firm member of the chicken head club. That kind of terminal abuse will turn any man into a quivering pile of jelly eventually. Chum really felt for guys like this. Not a lick of life left in them. The guy was gazing intently at a wallet sized picture. Chum could see it from his view over the gentleman’s shoulder. It was of a exceptionally severe looking woman with a unibrow. Like two fat hairy caterpillars got in a head on collision on her face. Trimming the hedges was not a high priority for this woman. She definitely had to be sporting an unholy 70’s mega bush. Unkept and growing wild like thorny brambles full of rats nests and stray trash, like the fence at a school yard. Debris blown in over a long period of time until it forms a barrier made up of life’s most unwanted refuse. He imagined it to be a mecca for crab, lice and fleas. The hair on her head was solidified into one of those bee hivey like hair doos via hair product infusion. It looked like maybe some one took a wet hairball and forced it into the mold of a chubby featureless dildo. Her other features were just as bad though, her head was shaped just like an apple, her face looked like that of an ancient Indian, and she had a nose like a boxing glove. To top it all off she had a disturbing icy stare and a tense thin lipped permanent scowl. So inviting.
Chum leaned towards this subdued and hopeless soul.
"Is that your little lady?"
The guy started a little at the interruption.
"My wife yes".
"She’s quite the catch"
The guy looked at him a little perturbed, but saw that he seemed to be sincere. His features eased up.
"We’ve been together 33 years"
"That’s a long time"
They heard a bump down the isle and the clinking of a hundred little bottles. Their attention was briefly redirected to the flight attendant who was unenthusiastically serving drinks to the economy class zoo. They both watched her for a minute, she filled out her uniform quite nicely. She was somewhat bumbling down the isle, but somehow this only added to her sex appeal.
Chum had an almost unstoppable habit of voicing what he was thinking.
"Unholy potato, get a load of that piece of chicken ".
The guy felt as if he was caught looking. He uncomfortably cleared his throat. Clearly he had been looking, but he was now intentionally looking away.
"I’m afraid I don’t know what you  mean, I don’t objectify women that way. I was raised to be a gentleman".
Chum eyed him for a minute, decided it wasn’t worth it. This guy already had a hard life.
"My apologies.  I hope I didn’t  offend you".
The guy looked down his nose. Saw Chum was sincere.
"to each his own".
The flight attendant pushed the cart further down the isle taking drink orders. The front of the drink cart was now right next to chum. As the flight attendant bent at the waist to hand a drink to a customer behind her, chum noticed the business man was staring at her bum again. After taking a quick gander himself, he took this opportunity to sneak five mini bottles of wild turkey off of the second level of  her cart when no one was looking. He quickly slipped  them into his jacket pockets. The guy caught a glimpse of Chums movements and eyed him suspiciously, but the deed was done and Chum was safely smiling at the flight attendant as she advanced to take their drink orders. She addressed chum first.
"Good evening sir, can I offer you a drink?".
" yes mam, can I  get a "slippery bald beaver", and  "sex on my face please ?".
The flight attendant started to talk.
"I’m sorry sir..."
The business man’s mouth dropped open like an airplane hanger. He was shocked and appalled. He cut her off.
"Sir! How lewd! I’m going to have to insist you don’t talk to a lady like that".
Chum leaned in close to the guy. He slipped one of the mini whiskey bottles into the guys coat pocket while he whispered at him.
"What happened to "to each his own"?".
Chum straightened back up and politely smiled at the fight attendant while putting his hand in the guys face in the classic halt gesture.
" mam, I deeply apologize for this man’s outburst. You knew I was ordering drinks, didn’t  you miss?"
"Why ye..."
The guy interupted her again.
"My outburst!..."
Chum cut him off.
"Yes, your outburst. You had one, we all witnessed it. I think you owe this lady an apology"
Everyone in this compartment of the plane was now turned in their seats, their attention focused on the scene developing.
The guy stuttered uncontrollably in a futile attempt to utterly deny Chums accusation. Chum pressed on, his voice gaining volume.
"Let the poor girl speak!".
This shut the guy up for a moment. His face was beet red. Chum wasn’t sure if it was from anger, embarrassment or both. He suspected both. He turned back to her and politely asked her to continue. She was smiling at him in a flirtatious way for a second after he stopped talking, but quickly gained her composure.
" I was just trying to say that I did know you were ordering drinks, and before that I was trying to tell you I was only allowed to serve one drink at a time".
Chum turned back to the guy.
"you see sir, your outburst was completely unnecessary. Maybe you should get your mind out of the gutter".
The guy was still in stuttering mode.
"I...i...i...".
Chum had the gift of gab. He had, at various  times been a salesman, telemarketer, street hustler, and carnival barker. He knew the psychology of debate and how to steer a conversation.
" that’s  right, you! I don’t have any control over what people name drinks man, I just accept it. Maybe if your mind wasn’t so far into the gutter, you wouldn’t have thrown your little sky tantrum ".
He echoed Chums words as He turned back to the flight attendant.
"Sky tantrum".
"Miss would you accept this man’s apology if he offered it?".
She looked concerned. She put her hand to her chest.
"Of course".
The guy couldn’t believe this was happening. Chum leaned in again to council him. He put his arm around the guy and whispered.
"Look, just make the apology, sit down and keep quiet and this will go no further. The guy got brave. He shrugged  Chums arm off of his shoulder and spoke very loudly.
" I will never apologize. I didn’t do anything wrong. this man is filthy and he’s trying to railroad me! He...
Chum stood up and interrupted him before he could say anything really damaging. He spoke very loudly while making hand gestures that implied he should stay in his seat and calm down. No one could out do him in volume.
"Sir!...sir!...sir!...you’re scaring the other passengers. Calm down".
The guy was frothing. Chum remained calm.
"I am going to turn you in! You hooligan".
Chum was still calm. The flight attendant  was taken aback by this man who was now virtually yelling.
"I have rights! I’m an American, I pay taxes! Can’t  you see? This man is some kind of evil genius pulling all the strings and you people are falling for his shtick...".
Chum interupted him  again.
" sir, you’re forcing my hand. I don’t want to see you arrested".
"Arrested. For what? Standing up to a bully? In this country you’re innocent until proven guilty, and right now it’s my word against yours!".
"Sir calm down! I wasn’t going to  say anything, but now I  feel it’s  my duty as an American and necessary for the safety of every body on this plane".
The man put his hands on his hips and taunted chum with bravado.
"Oh really Mr britches. Hey every buddy, let’s listen to what this human bag of shit has to say"
He waited expectantly along with the rest of the plane.
"This man was making lewd comments about this flight attendant, ogling her natural assets, and referring to her as a stewardess".
This last accusation incensed all of the passengers and the flight attendant thrust her head into her hands and burst into tears. The whole plane pretty much turned against him.
" so fucking what. None of it’s true, and none of it’s illegal. You hit me with your best shot, and you fell short. Now we’re just two dicks on a plane causing a ruckus. Bravo asshole".
The guy was obnoxiously clapping his hands. Chum put the finishing touch on the guy.
"he also stole several bottles of liquor off her cart when she wasn’t looking".
The flight attendant glared at him in mascara streaked anger.
"I could lose my job for that!".
The guy reached into his pockets as he denied chums claim.
"I did no such thing".
He yanked the handkerchief and tissues out of his jacket pockets.
"See...".
He cut his own words short as  the handkerchief pulled out the bottle of liquor Chum had planted, and fell to the floor. The crowd gasped. Chum took command again.
"steeling alcohol is a federal of fence sir! Now maybe, just maybe...if you return the stolen liquor, and humbly apologize to our FLIGHT ATTENDANT, she could find a way to forgive you and I won’t be forced to call Bob in here".
The guy was looking afraid now. He knew he had been beaten.
"Who is Bob? ".
Chum spoke with authority.
"Bob is the air martial on this flight, he’s a friend of mine. I’ve got him on speed dial".
Chum took out his cell phone and held it threateningly in the guys face with his finger poised over the send button to further intimidate him.
"What’s it gonna be buddy?".
His shoulders slumped in a final sign of surrender. Chum put his hand out and the guy put the bottle of whiskey in it. Chum made a big production of bringing the guy and the flight attendant face to face positioning himself between her back and the drink cart. While the sniveling weasel apologized, and the crowd was distracted, chum bent down to the drink cart and pretended he was putting the bottle back. He pocketed the one in his hand and snatched three more. Then he stood up and claimed credit.
"Ya see folks, if we work at it, we can find peaceful resolutions to even the biggest problems. No violence, no arrests, just good old fashioned communication and forgiveness".
People clapped.
After that the guy sat there and stewed as he tried to imagine some spectacular act of revenge, but 33 years of henpecking had robbed him of creativity and a fair share of his balls. Chum kept flirting with the stewardess. She thought he was heroic. The guy across the isle noticed that she had brought him the two drinks he had originally requested. People were still giving him dirty looks. After a few minutes everyone went happily back to ignoring each other. The guy was relieved the ordeal was over.
the flight attendant involved in the incident now saw Chum as her defender and their flirting escalated. By mid flight he had her in the bathroom along with with her flight attendant friend. He had joined the mile high club years ago, but this was his first mile high club sandwich. After a lot of bumping and thumping due to confined space, and not so quietly engaging in coitus, the three of them exited the planes bathroom looking befuddled. Many of the passengers were staring at them as they came out. The women in disgust, the men in envy. One of the flight attendants tried to play it off like nothing happened by speaking a little to loudly to chum.
"Thank you sir, the airlines appreciate your expertise in this matter, everything seems to be back in working order".
No one was buying it. Looking uncertain, she turned and made her way to the galley, head low avoiding all eye contact. Her walk down the alley was like the walk of shame. The other flight attendant had no shame, she just smiled at everyone and claimed it. Chum returned to his seat. The guy across the aisle was thoroughly disgusted at Chums behavior at this point, but he was afraid to say anything due to earlier scene. He was trying desperately to ignore him. Chum never really held grudges, and frankly he didn’t  have much of a short term memory, so it was no surprise to him when he leaned across the aisle and spoke to the guy again as if they had never spoken before.
"You’re never gonna believe this. I just had intercourse with two stewardesses...in the bathroom!".
The guy looked at him incredulously.
"Are you kidding me? I heard you...we all heard you".
Chum looked around the airplane.
" do you think they know it was me?".
The guy rolled his eyes so massivly, that his pupils left one side of his eye socket and reentered on the other before answering with gravy thick sarcasm.
"No".
"Good. I practically wore one of them as a hat".
"Deplorable".
Thank you".
"My pleasure".

Short time later a voice came over the cabin speaker, it was the pilot. All of the passengers paused to listen, looking up at the speakers expectantly.

"We are currently heading towards some itinerant weather which we were unable to skirt, so please remain in your seats and buckle up until the seat belt light turns off. We will be experiencing some minor turbulence shortly, but it’s nothing we can’t handle. Thank you for your cooperation".

As if on cue the plane shuddered as a flash of lightening  and clap of Thunder made the overhead lights flicker.

Chum saw the original stewardess was coming down the aisle. She brought him another couple of drinks, he didn’t even have to ask. She was glowing. She squatted down next to him and spoke softly.
"where did you learn how to do that, I’m still having twinges ".
Chum put his hand on her thigh. He could feel her trembling. He put his face close to hers and spoke quietly.
"ten years of yoga, seven years in the circus, and a lifetime of clam digging".
The guy across the aisle overheard this and rolled his eyes massively again and sighed loudly. He then spoke out loud to no one in particular.
"The end of days are here ".
Ironically this was the exact six word phrase which was the prearranged trigger signal for the three terrorists on board to spring into action and execute their plan to hijack the plane.

At this point Three men of dubious lineage stood up and started trilling at the top of their lungs while extracting large swords made of plastic from their trousers and thin box cutters out of their underwear. This middle eastern battle cry was instantly associated with wild eyed maniacal bearded morons dressed in bedsheets and bandages, which usually exploded shortly after they made it. All of the other passengers were immediately terrified. Chum on the other hand, had been through enough, seen enough and was stupid enough not to be. In truth he thought himself indestructible, and thus far he had been right. While other passengers huddled in fear, Chum was quickly assessing the situation. One of the terrorists was standing in the aisle up about ten feet ahead of him on the left. Another about ten feet further then that by the emergency exit door on the right. The last One was just behind him on the right side of the aisle. The guy by the exit door was taking off his jacket to reveal a bomb vest. He loudly addressed the passengers by yelling in a heavy middle eastern accent.

"Everyone remain calm! buckle yourselves in and you might live through this! If you do not do exactly as we say, My friends here will jump to safety and I will stay behind to blow this plane to smitherines!

The other two guys were getting their carry on luggage, which were actually parachutes, out of the overhead compartments. They held them up to display them and show they were serious. Chum reached across the aisle over to the guy he had been plaguing  and pinched him really hard. The guy screamed in pain. The terrorist from behind him instantly got in the poor guys face screaming at him with such ferocity that flecks of spittle were flying out of his mouth with each word.
"You think this is joke motherfucker! You think we’re playing with your mother fucking balls here!? This is not a social call. We mean big dam business. We will knock your ass out of the ball park like the oh henry if we even think you are trying to pull the shit out of our asses little bitch man. You got the fuck outta that?"

The guy was scared shitless. He was turning his face away from the terrorist in abject fear and in a feeble unsuccessful attempt to avoid the flying spit. It took every ounce of courage he could muster to eek out a shaky yes, and even though he answered their question, the terrorist hit him in the back of the head with the flat of his plastic sword.

"Good, cause if not I’m gonna cut your balls out of your sack and chew on them like cow with a eating disorder. I got my eyes on you guy. My eyes are firmly planted in your direction infidel pig fucker".

The terrorist stared hard at him for a few seconds after he finished speaking to make sure he wasn’t going to try and defy him and then walked up the aisle away from the flight attendant cart. As he did the one by the exit opened the door. The cabin depressurized and was blasted with furious wind. The guy who opened it was almost sucked out. A near by passenger, when he thought the terrorist was a goner, let out a loud triumphant "HA!". The terrorist found no humor in this and swiftly hacked into the guys neck with his plastic sword sinking it a few inches. The blood sprayed in intervals as his heart pumped it out through the hole in his neck and into the face of a lady across the aisle. She closed her lips tight to avoid getting any in her mouth and was shaking her head back and forth. She had a look of shear of horror on her face. The terrorist looked around at the passengers and then yelled loudly to be heard above the wind blowing through the cabin.

"Take this shit seriously lawn bitches or your ass is grass stains!".

After he said his piece he turned back toward the open door and eyed it warily. Chum wasn’t the type to wait and see what happens. Dying without a fight was not on his agenda. He was a lot more of the act now and think later type. He always preferred to roll the dice and take his chances, rather then sit around and wonder if they were gonna kill him like the poor son of a bitch sitting up ahead of him still screaming himself to death. He had an inkling of an idea, and he acted on it. Springing out of his seat, he ripped the metal case out of the henpecked business man’s grasp and smashed the terrorist behind him in the back of the head with it making him stumble forward into a boot to the face from another passenger. The terrorist in front of him, sword raised, ran to attack him. He was going to the side to get around the cart. Chum took a running jump belly first onto the cart bypassing the terrorist. As chum flew past him rolling at a good clip towards the guy in front of the emergency exit, the terrorist he had passed tried to chop at him with his plastic blade. Chum managed to block the blow with the briefcase as he continued rolling down the isle. As he passed where that terrorist had originally been standing, he snatched up the parachute that the guy had thrown down on the seat so that he could kill chum for his defiance. As the cart careened down the aisle, he adeptly spun around on the cart from his stomach onto his back, at the same time turning so he ended laying across the cart sideways with his legs bent up against his chest to avoid bumping them on the seats and slowing the carts speed. His head was now facing the side with the exit door. The bomb vest terrorist positioned himself to hack into chums head with his sword when he reached the section of the aisle in front of the exit door. With both hands on the hilt of his makeshift sword, and both arms raised above his head, he swung his blade at Chums head with all his might as he reached him. Chum put the brief case above his head and managed to block the violent blow. At the same time he pushed off of the seats on the opposite side of the aisle with both legs as hard as he could, changing the carts trajectory and launching himself and the cart into the terrorist. The terrorist, with no where to run, was smashed into with the full weight and velocity of Chum and the metal serving cart. In desperation he hacked at chum again with his knife. He managed to cut chums arm as he was shoved out the door along with chum and the cart. Chum could see the cart and a bunch of little liquor bottles sparkle in the lights from the plane as they decended into the great abyss of the night. The parachute he had grabbed had fallen off of the cart and was teetering on the edge of the plane door being buffeted by the wind. Some how the terrorist managed to grab onto the edge of the plane as he fell out, and by some miracle Chum managed to grab onto his leg. So the terrorist was hanging onto the plane and Chum was hanging onto one of his legs. The terrorist, who would gladly give his own life if it meant killing a bunch of filthy Americans, pulled a tab on his vest activated his bomb vest and yelled like a crazed maniac.

"You’re all going to die! Praise Allah!"

He let out another Arab tongue trill battle cry, but Chum cut it short by swinging the metal case up and slamming his teeth down his throat right in the middle of it. The parachute, still precariously balanced on the precipice above the abyss of the frozen night, finally gave into the forces of depressurization and blew past him into the storm encompassing the plane. Not wanting to lose any chance he had of getting that parachute, he pushed himself backward off of the terrorist as he hucked the metal case up with all of his strength high and to the Right, in a last ditch effort to dislodge the terrorist from the plane. He had aimed it just right, and It was sucked into the jet engine which chewed it up and spit it out like a blender full of bullets blasting the terrorist off of the plane with a hail of shrapnel as Chum went into a free fall. straightening his body and putting his arms to his side, he torpedoed himself right at the wayward Parachute. He quickly caught it and spread himself out to slow his decent. As he fell through the sky struggling to put the parachute on, he could see the business man he had messed with, standing in the  open exit door looking down at him. the plane zoomed on and he watched as the terrorist wearing the bomb vest exploded a ways behind it. It was beautiful...like fireworks on the fourth of july. He hoped what he did saved the plane from being hijacked.

He managed to get the parachute on and pull the rip cord before he entered what appeared to be a fierce blizzard down below him. As his adrenaline downgraded a little bit, the bitter cold set in to chill his bones. He pulled one of the mini liquor bottles out of his jacket pocket and drank it down. He dropped it into the night and watched it disappear. As soon as he entered the blizzard, he was blown sideways at a high velocity. He was at the mercy of his parachute, and his parachute was at the mercy of the wind. With no real control, he flew down the face of a mountain legs and arms flailing. with zero visibility, he flew right into the top of a pine tree. One of the top branches got stuck on his belt and it pulled his pants off down to his ankles. they would have come off completely, but they got stuck on his boots. So the tree was basically flying him like a kite by the bottom hem of his now inside out pants. He finally ripped free of his pants. He would have lost his underwear to, but he didn’t wear any. He continued his downward journey naked (except for his boots) from the  waist down. As his junk was freezing into a cockcicle, he noticed a polar bear on the side of the mountain getting a blow job from another polar bear. He stopped flailing his legs and watched as he flew by. He shrugged his shoulders and muttered to himself.
"Who knew?".

The polar bears stopped and watched him as he cruised by. They shrugged their shoulders.

Once he had flown sufficiently past them, the bears went back to their blow job with renewed vigor. Chum was reminded of the show "BJ and the bear". He briefly Wondered if polar bears swallowed. Chum resumed his leg flailing and continued to get lower and lower. He was being blown along sideways at about forty miles an hour by the blizzard. lights seemed to materialize ahead in the distance, it looked like he was heading for a village. He took out another mini liquor bottle and drank it in hopes that it would warm his frozen junk.

Chapter 2 (thus far)

The four eskimos elders were standing around a fire pit. The eskimo to the left of the fire was arguing with the eskimo to the right of the fire. Kolkok, the one to the left, was speaking in an accusatory tone to Yakok.

"Yakok, You stold the eskimo pie without paying any kind of value for another mans property! I demand a medium narwhal and two dead bull walruses for making tuk tuk with my daughter".

Yakok did not deny the deed, but he was a shrewd man when it came to money, and he wasn’t about to pay kolkok a buffalo nickel for a woman who’s seen more action then a pay phone. He tried to negotiate with Kolkok for a better deal.

"Snow brother, you are asking too much. Your daughter is not worth that much. her value has been compromised".

kolkok was incensed.

"only by you!"

Yakok pointed to the guy at the back of the fire who was at the furthest point from the incoming Chum

"that’s not true! johnson over their has slipped your daughter the porkcicle more times then a bull walrus at a cow convention".

Johnson got a guilty and appalled look on his face.

"don’t bring me into this!".

Kolkok did not like what he was hearing and did not take the news lightly. He came to his daughters defense with vigor.

"My sweet little Akna would never willingly consent to such a thing. If this happened, surely she was raped. Johnson, is this true? Did you rape my little Akna?".

Johnson was alarmed.

"NO!".

Akikakokakomo, the Eskimo standing to the right of the fire, was a born trouble maker. He broke his neutral position to see if he could get Kolkok to kick Johnsons ass.

"Yes it is. He bragged about it to me. He said he stuck it to her good, but it took him many time to shoot his snow goo because it was like throwing a oosik down the entry way of an igloo".

Johnson sold him out right back in a hurry. Even though he knew what he was saying wasn’t  true.

"Akikakokakomo fucked her too!".

Akikakokakomo eyebrows shot up in suprise.

"Bull fucking shit Johnson. You’re just saying that because you are pissed off that I told Kolkok the truth and you’ve fucked her more often and harder then a bull elephant on viagra".

kolkok spoke adamantly to Yakok and Johnson as he pointed at one with each hand.

"I don’t give a sliding walrus shit about anything else. You two owe me some blubber and you both have to fuck my wife out of respect".

Johnson glared briefly at Akikakokakomo like he was going to kill him before standing his ground to Kolkok.

"I refuse to pay and I will not fuck that huskie skimo kabloonuk you call a wife".

Yakok recognized that he had disrespected Kolkok, and he did feel somewhat remorseful. He respected Kolkok as one of the village leaders.

"I will give you one half of a bull walrus for dipping into your daughters slumguleon, but fucking your pie face wife is out of the question".

Kolkok took great offense to their insults to his wife and let them know it very loudly.

"If you are so willing to break tradition and shame my wife like that, I can no longer have either of you as Eskimo brothers. I hope you both catch fire and burn in hell!

It was at this moment in their heated argument, that Chum came parachuting down on them. Being pulled forward by the wind he rammed into the man on his side of the fire and sent him careening into the fire, where he caught on fire, and flew out through the other side, into another Eskimo catching him on fire. He then bounded off the ground and was carried on his forward trajectory, but not before dropping one of his mini liquor bottles into the fire.

Kolkok raised his arms to the sky and yelled in cosmic victory.

"The gods have sided with me!".

as he danced and waved his arms in triumph, the fire quickly heated up the little bottle of Wild Turkey which exploded sending a jet of flaming alchohol into Kolkok setting him on fire as well. As Chum was descending towards the ground for a second time in this little Eskimo village, the three eskimos on fire in the background were running wildly in circles screaming. The only one not on fire started yelling "stop, drop and roll" which they all then did.

Chum was heading towards a group of women on his second descent. They were all gathered around a fire of their own sewing things and listening to Akna tell a story.

Akna was speaking softly but intently.

"...the raven was present that night, because I found out he had been making me do it like the dog so he could slip me the old Eskimo surprise without ever having had the Eskimo. Turns out, he is a quilqut...".

She was interupted as a half naked Chum came flying in hot. He lifted his legs high enough to just miss the back of Akna’s hooded head, but as he looked backwards at her, he slammed junk first into olkunta’s forehead giving her the most painful teabag in the history of teabags. She was the eldest woman in the village and went down like a clubbed baby seal. Chum grabbed his precious family jewels with both of his Hands in a feeble attempt to quell the pain after his unfortunate collision. The wind slammed him into the ground, and then used the parachute to drag him painfully across the ice. Olkunta was out cold, but the rest of the native woman watched as he was dragged into the frozen arctic night. The ice and snow were harsh on his lower extremities. his buttocks and genitals were frozen and getting rubbed raw. The winds were quite strong, and he didn’t have anything sharp to cut the parachute strings with, so he tried to stay on his back with the hem of his jacket between his ass and the ice. It looked like he was being dragged across an expansive frozen lake. This was going to take awhile. He took out another little bottle of whiskey, opened it and started drinking it. He heard a bunch of barking in the distance.
Wolves? Great...that is all I need, a pack of wolves chasing a snack on a string
Apparently this frozen lake wasn’t all just a flat expanse, because the back of his head suddenly collided with something hard. As he blacked out, he thought he saw an angel.

Chum felt warmth. He opened his eyes and was greeted with light dancing on walls of ice. A fire crackled somewhere to his left. He realized that he was swaddled in furs, and a naked body was snuggled up against him, arms and legs embracing him. He thought he also felt breasts. Either this was a very flabby man, or a woman with ample bosoms. He turned his head and was greeted with a raven haired Eskimo watching him with a big smile on her face. She was beautiful.
"Hi there".
Her voice was lovely to. He felt very attracted to her. A boyish smile crept over his face.
"Hi, who are you?".
"I am Kunik. I chased you down with my dog sled and cut you free of your parachute. You were not far from being dragged into the ocean when I caught up with you".