Chapters:

Chapter 1


Sell Me, Love me. Chapter one

It started with a death. I was twelve years old and my parents, sister and I were in Paris for a family holiday. The sun shone beautifully on the Eiffel tower as if it was part of a great water painting. A crowd had formed around the foot of the tower screaming and shouting. As we walked closer to investigate, an ambulance arrived. We walked closer and could hear the tourists worried voices, every group of people spoke in a different language. An Asian women walked past me tearing up.

As we reached the crowd, paramedics started wheeling of a body, I saw the hand of the corpse fall below the white sheet they has threw over him. The ambulance drove off, the crowd began to disperse and I looked to the red stain on the cobblestone, the man has jumped from the top, as his head collided with the stone, his skull shattered and his face crumpled into an unrecognizable mess. I stood looking to the tower, where the man jumped from, looked to the sky wondering if he was wondering the clouds yet, and then I thought perhaps everything ive been told about death had been a lie, and no one ever gets to walk the clouds, perhaps we're just worm-food. I was paralyzed by the vulnerability of life. A servicemen came and hosed the blood stain and another group of tourist came by walking straight by the scene in which the man died, completely unaware of the tragedy that had happened ten minuted earlier. I remember that day as my rebirth, my consciousness throwing into warp drive. That day changed me in a big way. I think of that fateful day as my emergence of being, suddenly the world seemed so fragile and so completely chaotic. It scared me .

Its keeps scaring me twenty years later...the only escape starts with a kiss. It always starts with a kiss, a flattering glance of a stranger. Your eyes meet another and your thoughts ar'nt quite as innocent any-more. You forgot the inevitable and your living for now, for the moment.

This morning I wake up to the stench of booze, smoke and sex in the air. My stomach begins to erupt, so my feet travel me to the bathroom. My mouth opens and the very contents of my body is deposited, the booze, the stomach lining, the very soul of me. Droplets of blood fall from my face hole. My naked body without instruction falls to the ground, the wet piss stained marble ground, my naked body bruised and broken, but filled with ecstasy, liquor and lust. I hear last nights partner stirring from her slumber. Her name, her name, what the fuck was her name?

“Charlie” she calls from the bed. No chance of slipping out before she realizes who I am.

“Charlie, where the fuck are you?” the lover of the night calls to me. My hands shake as I reach for the bathroom door, I feel my body regurgitate again and I spit the remnants of last nights narcotics away. Chunks of white rocks fall from my nostrils. I wipe my face, my body and spray aftershave over my body, nice clean and presentable naked me once again.

“Charlie get the fuck out here, my nose is bleeding.” I yank open to the bathroom door to a white flash. The blonde in the bed holds her phone up to me. She smiles and begins to slip out of her bed, her curvaceous, accumulate body is picturesque and perfect in the sunlight.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” I ask.

“My friends are not going to believe this, so I needed proof.” She said, smiling through her perfect lips. I love her already, for the seventh time this week, I have fallen for the female form.

“You need to delete that” I bluntly reply.

“What” she says, as she does her smile fades and eyes turn a little angry.

“My manager wouldn’t be too happy, if that got out.” I say as I step closer, the both of us naked.

“Everyone knows you Charlie. Everyone knows what your like. Whats the harm if a little photo of your cock gets out?”She replies, as she does she begins to run her finger against my face, she wraps her hands around my neck and pulls me closer.

“You can fuck me again, or I can delete that little photo. Tell me which would you rather do?” She whispers, her naked body touches mine, I hold her hips closer.

“How about we do both?” i ask optimistically. She pulls away.

“Why the fuck do you care? There’s no point in fucking you unless I can tell about it.” She said, still rubbing her fingers down my body, touching the tip of my penis. I grab her hips and throw her onto the bed. Our lips meet once again and my ecstasy begins again, all is right in the world for a moment, everything is beautiful and we are all going to live forever, fuck forever, be young and beautiful forever. And all I can see is her, my momentarily lover.

Hours later I wake again, the smell of booze still drifting in the air. She's gone, probably thinks that all the cocaine is gone, she got her kick by sleeping with me. Why would she stay around?

The bright lights of the sky burn my pupils as I leave the hotel. I’m smart about it and wear sunglasses to cover my eyes, hides unnatural pupils. I climb in my motor, my overpriced broken ass motor that chugs to life as I enter the key. L.A as always shines like the city of angels it is, I love this place. The fake people and tits, the copious amount of narcotics that come free of charge for the rich and famous. Here everyone becomes your friends once your bank account reaches seven figures. Here you can have it all, if you have wealth, good looks and fame. I deserve it all, I spent my time in the sewers of this place,scrounging to be noticed, the record labels eventually listened, not before my trail by fire. I was beaten and bruised by this place and I came out on top for a time.

Five years down the road here I stand, not as relevant, not as famous. just a slightly wealthy man,who hasn't seen a member of his band for over a year. My manager is ringing, I accept the call as I

wonder what new anger he'll throw my way today. You see I constantly disappoint him.

“How are you my friend?” he asks in his usual irritatingly joyful tone.

“Fine” I reply purposely being blunt in an attempt to cut the conversation short.

“Great, great. Well I need you to come by as soon as you can, I have something you might be interested in.”

“Okay, see you soon” I hang up before he can respond and throw my phone over my shoulder and take out a final vial of my medicine. I tap out a tiny little snow mountain and Snort it all up into my blood. All the product I need to deal with him. An angry, lonely fat man always nagging for a way for me to be better. Sing higher, strum faster, Smile more for the fans. I made him the repugnant pig, and every day he barks orders at me as if I'm a puppy competing for a ribbon. In the beginning it was all laughs and friendships, When I was important to the public and had fans. When I had so much 'potential'. When I first moved to lovely La La land it was candy cane and rainbows twenty four seven, everyone approached me with a smile on their faces, and another way to make a million. Me and the band arrived of the boat, not with the immigrants scraping for a new life but with a silver spoon up all of our asses. Our Agent big time Billy Mulow got us first class tickets, got us in A-listers parties and then we were all blinded by seeing stars. We were young and stupid, now I'm just older, and see with even less clarity.

But all this would be fine if this is where I wanted my life to go, if this is what I dreamt of in my childhood days of staring into the stars in that cold British town that was always asleep. No, no I dreamt of being a writer, a real writer. I wrote a few songs, gave them to my friend who played in a band, he asked me to be the lead man, which I agreed to get girls and well the rest is history. I accepted the success because it was easy, it felt right at the time and it was nice. People gave me attention and fake love. Success is a powerful drug, but eventually there's someone new, someone more shiny more beautiful and you look back and realize you were important half a decade ago.

The traffic is hectic and bustling as always in this city, this land of stardom and wealth, were no one walks and everyone is shuttled in their hybrids or giant beasts of vehicles. Everywhere you look money can be seen. I arrive forty minutes later at my managers building, a glass tower with the huge company logo ' H.S.A' strapped to the side in huge chrome letters. As I walk up the marble stairs to the tower the regular smell and sight of bird shit reminds me im in the land of thieves and beggars. As I arrive on the twentieth floor, I see my managers receptionist a woman once beautiful and interesting has become ugly and boring after getting married and old.

“Hello Mr Queen. How nice to see you. He'll see you now”. I Imagine her as a wind up robot that only has three dialogue options and repeats them in the correct order without fault.

As I open the glass door to his office, he gives his regularly wide grin that’s full of his old gums. He walks to me as he speaks into his ear piece.

“Yer they love you at C.N.N you'll get a meeting no problem.”

he hugs me like he does with every client and then directs me to the nearest seat. I sit down and look out of his large bay window towards the sea, while he speaks Hollywood talk with another client. After a minute, Bill as he prefers to be called ends his call and sits at his desk, shining his famous grin towards me. Its all a facade, his personality can change in a second from a raging bull seeing red and tearing children to pieces to the tooth fairy that gives out free blow-jobs or vice-versa.

“Look who's here, the man of the minute” He starts seemingly glaringly happy.

“Are you sure you remember who I am” I joke.

He exaggeratedly laughs for several seconds.

“Brilliant that’s why people love you, always have, always will...” He stops smiling and breaths, his face changing as he looks to me, and he now looks like he's ready to spit fire.

“They will if you accept this job I've managed to snag for you.” he says in a more serous tone and then looks to me waiting for me to snatch at his bait.

“Go on” I reply through gritted teeth, knowing this wont be something good.

“Well I have managed to get you a seven figure deal to release a Christmas single that is guaranteed to reach number one... well top ten at least” He stops speaking and just smiled smugly. I think it over for half a second before deciding to refuse.

“I thought you said you had something I'd be interested in?” I reply skeptically.

“This is a huge deal, I mean let me be real here... when's the last time you could potentially realize a number one single.”

I can already see his over kind persona shattering, the charging bull is coming, I can almost see horns coming from his head.

“I've got a few questions, first how do you know this will be a success?”

He chuckles to himself before responding.

“Are you kidding me? Its a Christmas single, the public always eat that crap up.”

“Ok, the second questions is what happened to the conversation we had last time. You know about me writing instead of singing.”he winced as I was speaking.

“That again. Why don't you stick to what your good at, what people love you for?”

“The last album I released was four years ago and no one bought it” I sternly reply.

“Everybody loves a comeback. Get in the studio and write some great songs”

“Only if I don’t have to perform them, I can write an album for another singer”

He hesitated obviously trying to come up with some way for the bad news to sound positive.

“They like your sound. The words you write, will only sound right if they come from your voice.”

“No, I don’t want to perform, I cant. Isn’t there a bunch of talented up and coming singer who can perform the songs.”

“No, unfortunately not, everyone up and coming writes there own songs, something about artist integrity, its a fad it will pass in a year or two and things will go back to normal.”

“So the only sort of deals I want to sign, are writing ones. Get me some writing work. No singing,

just writing ” I reply bluntly.

he sat back in his chair and sighed.

“Okay I cant just wish and pull out the next Spielberg movie for you to write. You need to write something, do something before I have any chance to sell you.”

“Okay, then great some thing useful has surprisingly come from this meeting.”

He looks annoyed momentarily at my response, then he shake's it off like he has before.

“So that’s definitely a no to the Christmas single?” He desperately asks.

“Yes, I want something I can be proud of, not a paycheck.”

“Okay well, I'll work on something that can be both.”

“Sounds good Bill.” I say as I stand up, he gives me another phoney hug and stands with a faux smile waiting for me to leave his office.

“Don’t worry my old friend. You provide the words, and ill provide the money.” he then gently pushed me out of the door without another word. I walk past all the people, and see one of the current gleaming fabulous and relevant people, Lee Marrow a young pretty boy pop singer that has notoriously known around the world as a moronic and arrogant young punk, who always pranks strangers for the online views. Once I realize who he is I never look back to him, instead I try and blend in to the background, as I walk past his entourage.

Unfortunately Lee takes notice of me stalking by.

“Charlie...Charlie Queen” he shouts to me. I just keep walking.

“C'mon Charlie, turn around and talk to me.” he continues to shout. I walk to the elevator trying to ignore the fact that most people in the office have taken notice to the both of us.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see a huge six foot seven body-builder type staring at me blankly. He steps away and Lee stands behind him pointing his phone's camera towards me.

“Charlie Queen, the once chart leading star of yesteryear.” he starts with that shit eating grin and that irritating voice that has freshly broken. I’ve been trained in Hollywood talk, Hollywood brown noising, so this is no problem.

“Lee, How are you?” I reply with a smile plastered to my face.

“Better than you” He replies while laughing, some of his entourage catch light of what he said they laugh along side of him. I smile as and try to pretend I find it funny.

“So what are you doing in an agents building? Begging for representation?” he continues and then laughs again at his own joke, as does his entourage on cue.

I try to smile and continue my facade but my irritation is evident.

“Aww what’s wrong old man” Lee continues his face has gone as red and he spits out his words through hysterical laughs, whilst keeping the camera pointed at my face. The elevator has arrived and opens behind me. I step in without saying another word, trying to flee. Lee notices and steps in with his huge bodyguard. The elevator doors close behind them. Lee still looks to me with that mocking smile and still holding his camera in my face.

“You should be happy Charlie. This will give you more exposure than you've had in years.”

Maybe its the white powder I took an hour ago or maybe its just good sense, but then I pull my fist back before launching a punch across his face, sending his phone and his nose slamming against the door of the elevator. I smile proudly for a second before seeing Lee's bodyguard approach me, his huge arms reaching for me and i see black.

I wake up and reach for my aching head, to feel blood dripping from a gash in my head. I open my murky eyes fully to see the pale blue hospital bed I lay on. Around me is bleeping machines and nurses running around outside my room. I stand up from the bed and look in the cabinets for morphine, pills anything that might stop the splitting pain in my head. There's only banana bags and bandages and some unlabelled pills, but no morphine. I take the pills for whenever next I’m bored.

A nurse, with long legs, sweeping black hair and at least a D cup size walks through the curtain, just as I close the draws. I smile to her. She fits extremely well into her uniform.

“Hello Mr Queen, could you sit down on the bed.” she says as she gestures towards the bed.

“Yer I was just stretching my legs.” I reply, sliding the packet of pills into the pocket of my jeans. I sit on the bed again and the nurse takes a cloth and starts wiping blood of my head.

“Do you remember what happened to you sir?” She said whilst she sits on the corner of the bed and wipe's my wound.

“I remember punching that little arshole.” The nurse smiled at my response

“You mean Lee Marrow?” she replied.

“Yer him.”

“Well his bodyguard didn’t take too kindly to It. He knocked you out by punching you, your head collided with the elevator wall and cut it open. The bodyguard then carried you here” she continued as she took out a bottle of anesthetic and applied it a cotton bob and then held it to my head.

“What a nice guy” I said sarcastically through gritted teeth.

“Yer a gentle giant” she replied with a grin.

She then pushed my head back gently poured a little anesthetic on my wound. It hurt a little, probably would of hurt more if there wasn’t a gram of cocaine coursing through my veins. Shit the cocaine, I've only just thought of it, if they’ve taken my blood it would light up with drug use and before the day is out there will be the new headline about me using drugs and once again my manager will try to make me go to rehab again, and rehab Is boring as shit.

“OK, try not to move. I need to clean your wound” The nurse continues wiping my head.

“OK, how badly messed up is Lee?” I ask the nurse.

“Why?” She asked a little bit of judgement obviously in her voice.

“Just wondering” I try to say innocently.

“Well you broke his nose and he was pretty pissed off.” I cant stop myself from smiling and she notices.

“Why are you happy about that? I presume his going to sue the pants of you”She continues to ask.

“Lucky enough for me, ive got the best manager in town. He's got me out of being sued before ” I say confidently.

“Speaking of, he called earlier and says he has to speak to you. He sounded pretty annoyed” She replied as she walked to the curtain.

“We need to test your blood, its discolored and we should find out why” She continued right before she walked out of the curtains. I jump up and open the window. No one is testing my blood today. I climb out of the window and run away in my hospital gown, I don't stop running until I see a taxi. Just another day in Hollywood.