2037--President John Thompson’s Reelection Speech
Let me start with what you folks know. World War Three has ended—hold your applause ‘til the end please—in the consolidation of Russia and the United States of North America. Naturally we made sure the Russian people were safely relocated to the US after some...irreversible nuclear damage. We’re talking Chernobyl-level shit. But we’re mostly over it now. And as you also know, most of the Russian population took up residence in the Democratic Partner of Canada, so they’re doing all right.
We’ve got enough leftover military rations to feed these people for a century, seeing as the war lasted half what we expected. That might be a first in history. Another first is that we realized who’s really to blame for these wars.
I take from your silence that that part surprises you. I mean, we can point fingers at this nation or that nation, but a Russian guy doesn’t look so different from an American guy when you get down to it, does he? No, let me tell you who the real culprit is. It’s the vile religions that threaten our American faith. Most of ’em are in the rest of the world, because we don’t put up with that shit in our immigration offices anymore. America was founded as a Christian nation, which spread north and south across this continent, and a Christian nation it will remain. But we accidentally let another religion grow up right here on our soil for centuries without batting an eye. Both of us. Hell, it’s the religion outsiders like Japan live and breathe. You’ve got to know what I’m talking about now. It’s the religion of science.
Just you think for a minute here. It’s backed by a gigantic fucking cult, and if you don’t conform to their way of seeing things, they shame you, like they’ve shamed our world leaders for years. People are executed because science says they murdered their wives, but do we really know? A good chunk of what "science" says are still called theories, aren’t they? And is a fact in science any different from a fact in my Holy Bible? Science kills unborn babies and tells us our beliefs aren’t valid. Science built those bombs that we used to fight each other with. And now we’re saying to hell with it. Science has impeded on our peace and on our religious freedoms for long enough.
Since we’ve started to lock the heathens away, our economy has seen the biggest growth in a century. We’re no longer shelling out cash for greenpeace and organic vegetables, and we’re embracing oil and fossil fuels because they’ve worked for centuries! We’re doing just fine.
And we know they want to take our economy, and our jobs, and build a rocket into space to find some better planet to live on. But I wouldn’t want to live on a planet without Russo-America. This is our home, and we’ll have it the way we want. Can I get an "amen?"