Raisin’s Rain
Leah Wingert
Chapter 1
The Bitch is dead
The first drips startled her, even as the air cooled and a breeze teased the tendrils of her hair. The smells of wet grass and heather, fresh and clean, assaulted of her senses, with droplets of rain slipping from the sky like drops of molten gold. She abandoned her dirt flecked gloves and trowel, looking up from the pots over flowing with this year’s rhododendrons, bluebells and primroses, asphodel and snowdrops. Dashing into the field of heather she turned her face to the weeping sky. Just beyond her the children shrieked and laughed, surprised by the big lazy drips falling from the golden blue sky. Their young voices shouted startled by the turn in the weather, so sudden that it was normal in the highlands. At the edge of her vision two tiny dark heads dashed past her as the cool drips began splashing into the earth around them.
“Careful.” she called as they fled, giggling, into the house. Watching them safe into the cottage, the woman walked farther into the field to the edge of the underfed creek that cupped its edge. The sky let loose droplets of sunshine against her upturned face and the woman spun, like a child beneath it. She twirled her long golden hair into a messy knot on top of her head; young enough to enjoy the rain, old enough to want to avoid the frizz.
“Devil’s, beatin’ his wife, Raisin.”
She heard and she stopped whirling beneath the rain, starting at the gravely whispered a voice.
“Cheryl?” Rai, muttered with a frown. She hadn’t heard her mother’s voice in her head for years.
Opening her eyes, her heart collapsing in her chest, Rai suddenly remembered that day. The details of it; her tiny nose pressing into a grimy, broken window; a golden blue sky and rain pouring through unseen clouds. Then as always with any memory of Cheryl, the hunger, the pain, the fear and even the smells seemed to spring unbidden. She fled then, into her safe house, just like Dr. Waring taught her, away from those places, those memories. She didn’t have to remember them anymore, but her face felt hot and the rain drops tasted salty on her lips. The safe house was getting less and less effective as the years passed by. Doctor Waring told her she’d need follow up; treatment, medication. She’d told the doctor all she needed was Ean.
Now, Rai wondered by she’d never followed that advice as her heart tried to erupt from her chest, pushing, bursting, exploding even as she tried to breathe.
“Just a memory.” she muttered to herself, but she backed away from the creek knowing that it would make Ean nervous. The golden rain disappeared behind clouds the color of untreated wool and as if sensing her mood, the gentle drops became stinging, icy pinches. Rai stood beneath with torrent, wrapping her arms in an x across her chest. Floods of memory pried open her mind and heart, invading her joy as spring turned a day from sunshine to rain. The world turned gray as the sky began to darken, her hair melting out of its bun and down her face as she stood in the now uninviting storm. One of the cattle stood, staring at her as the others began plodding toward the shelter of the barn. The grumbling moo amused her.
“I’m good, Maggie girl.” Rai smiled, rubbing an affectionate hand over the animal’s muzzle. The cow rolled an eye at her and followed the others as they made their way across the field.
“Don’t have enough sense to come in outta the rain, dipshit? You’ll get pneumonia and I ain’t taking your dumbass to no doctor!” the voice said again, rougher, angrier than before, refusing to be silent.
Rai refused her tears and behind her she heard the door swing open and she knew he was standing there. Without turning around she knew what he would look like. Closing her eyes she imagined him, tall and dark, eyes the color of a midnight sky, with hair that had once been ink black now speckled with ribbons of silver. Bare feet and blue jeans, topped with one of his mother’s handmade cable knits and a steaming cup of tea that she knew from experience would be too sweet and milky for her taste. He did not beckon her in, or chastise her or even call her name and she appreciated that his silence stretched until deep, throaty thunder tripped through the clouds amongst flashes of thunder.
“Planning on coming in any time soon, love?” he bellowed to be heard over the roiling thunder. His voice a sweet, low brogue that made her laugh, and cry and sigh. The voice that soothed her sick soul like honey over whiskey. She turned, her sore heart stumbling at the sight of him. Drinking him in like water to a drowning man. He wore the green cable knit today, she was mildly surprised that he had on socks, and not surprised at the steaming cuppa in his hands.
“Ean.” she whispered over the growing storm and watching his eyes. Only someone who knew him well could see the edge in those beautiful black eyes, or in the way he tucked his hand into his front left pocket. “I’m fine, darlin.’” she called over the thunder and she lost her breath when he smiled.
“That I know, my bonny,” Ean winked. “not so sure the storm does.” and Rai laughed.
“Just one more…” Rai did not finish and she laughed again at the interruption, he knew her far too well.
“Minute.” he said his own smile crinkling the lines around his eyes. “Alright, I’ll hold you to it.” he said taking a deep drag of the too milky, too sweet tea.
Rai turned back to the rain, knowing that Aidan would not leave her, unsupervised. She may be thirteen years older and tougher, but for him the creek was too near, and both storms too unpredictable. Turning away from him, Rai wondered if he would ever forgive her for that; her literary inspired, yearlong slip into Virginia Wolfe. She doubted it, both of them were now far too familiar with Sylvia’s Bell Jar for Ean to be comfortable leaving her alone in a rainstorm.
The promised minute came and passed, then another and another and she knew there was only so far that she could push her husband’s good nature and she turned back to the cottage.
His smiled untucking his hand, offering it to her as she came walking toward him. Untangling her arms from around her body Rai took the proffered hand, sliding her own cold small hand into his rough warmth.
“Don’t worry.” she whispered as he wrapped a strong arm around her shaking shoulders.
“Uhm.” he grunted noncommittedly and not for the first time in their fifteen years she wondered what he was thinking.
Warmth and chaos greeted her as she entered their cottage. The children, both selkie sleek and strong raced around the living room. Tall and strong, hair the color of black gloss her daughter held an unfair advantage over the still unsure on his feet Dougal. Kerr tossed smiles at the baby as he chased both Kerr and their elderly tabby across the living room. The sight of Rai dripping on the hardwood stopped Kerr delighting her brother who at last won the game.
“Mam, you’re all wet.” Kerr noticed as Rai stood dripping and shivering in the hall. Her brow furrowing, the delicate line of her eyebrows mashing together just like her Da.
“That’s what the rain does.” Rai said, watching her daughter. So much like Ean. Although, Kerr hadn’t quite figured out her father’s disquiet, but it was beginning to filter through her father’s protective nature.
“Didn’t you to know to come in?” Kerr asked tilting her head, thinking, wondering and Rai smiled down into her daughter’s sweet young face.
“Mam just likes the rain, baby.” she explained dropping a kiss on her daughter’s forehead.
“Wain!” Dougal yelled with a shrieking laugh, breaking the moment making everyone laugh.
“Aye, wee one,” Ean interjected, sweeping down to pick up the boy. “rain. Here, Kerr why don’t you two keep looking out for Lenore?” The girl smiled up at him and turned taking her brother from their father leading him once more on the hunt for their long suffering cat. “Come now, bonny, let’s get you clean and dry.” Rai allowed him to tug her up the stairwell to their attic room; renovated for her when she’d come here with him as a new bride.
“Don’t get any ideas Mr. Mac Coluim, we’ve children to feed.” Rai teased, beginning to peel off her sodden garments. Standing in the door well, he watched her across the room; eyes still hooded.
“Oh, I’ve always got ideas.” he answered and Rai rolled her eyes as they walked into the bedroom where he’d already lit the fire. “You dinna finish the planting, bonny.” he said watching her strip off her drenched clothing and taking a deep drag off the now tepid tea.
“I’ll be finishing it tomorrow, I couldna very well have finished it in the rain could I?” she said, arching a brow knowing his fear, sensing it even if he wouldn’t acknowledge it. “I didn’t even go within a meter of the creek.” she answered the unasked question.
“I dinna ask, if you did, bonny.” he said.
“You, didn’t have to.” she snapped, struggling out of her drenched sweater. Without being asked, Ean put is tea on the dark wooden dresser at his elbow and pulled the waterlogged garment over her head.
“Thanks.” Rai muttered, unhooking her bra.
“My pleasure.” he said with a grin and Rai shook off her pique.
“I’m fine, Ean, really.” she said, sliding her panties down her legs, grateful for the fire. Aidan, put down the tea on the large dark dresser at his elbow, walking to her, taking her elfin face in his hands and kissing her deep and hard stealing her breath.
“Damn fine.” he said, smacking her now naked ass, she yelped in surprise and he wiggled his eyebrows at her.
“You are a teenager.”
“I wish.” he said with a thoughtful tilt of his dark head.
“I’ll take a shower, be just a minute.” she offered, pulling her robe from the edge of the bed and wrapping it around her.
“Oh the days when I wasn’t worried, that our bairns would burn the house down and I could join you.” he suggested as he left the room, taking the empty mug with him.
“Tease!” she shouted and heard his deep throaty laugh as she walked into their cozy bathroom and turned the water in the shower on. Dried heather stood in a cracked white pitcher on the window sill, blue and white tiles sparkling even in the dying evening light. Beyond the garden she could see a ribbon of the creek out the window and the mountains just beyond that still clinging to their winter caps. Outside the rain still fell, its ferocity now a consistent drizzle, good for both crops and flowers. She cracked the window, wanting to breathe in the damp, the renewal of the storm. The bathroom overflowed with pots and pencils, tubes and perfumes, the magic and mystery of femininity. Ean often threatened to toss it all out until she reminded him that she’d just go out and buy more. He wasn’t a fan of the city so the threat usually worked. Although she was pretty sure one of her mascara’s had gone the way of the Dodo. She shuffled to the bath, turning the water from cold to scalding. Waiting for it to become skin peeling before she stood beneath the molten stream. The chill that tried to seep into her bones, eased away beneath the hyper heated water.
She heard the phone ringing in the living room, she refused to have one in their bedroom and heard Aidan pick it up. She wondered who would be calling so late on a Sunday. May be it was Aidan’s mother, Fenella, wondering when they were bringing the children up to Edinburgh. Pouring a thick stream of shampoo into her hand and she scrubbing her tangled hair into a lather.
“Rai…” he called and she nearly slipped in her haste to get out of the shower. There was something in his voice that didn’t just frighten her, it scared her witless.
“What’s the matter?” she panicked, wrapping a hasty towel around her and leaving the water running. “Has something happened to your mother, or Abagail?” she demanded, trying to keep the shampoo suds out of her eyes.
“Nay, mam and my sister are both well, far as I know.” he said holding out the phone. “It’s Violet.”
“What? Bloody hell, Ean you scared the life out of me!” she snarled, snatching the phone from his hands. “What’s she want?”
“What any she devil wants, to skin us for her supper.” Ean muttered shaking his head. “How you two could possibly be related.” Ean shook his head.
“You couldn’t tell her I was unavailable?” arching a brow at him; this would have been more effective had shampoo not been running down her face.
“Aye, my bonny, but then I’m afraid she just would have reached through that blasted phone and pulled me through until I did her bidding.” And Rai snorted. “This is the third time she’s called today.” Rai frowned.
“Herself? Not her flavor of the month?” Rai asked. Although she could never keep track of her sister’s assistants, she was curious as to why she would place the call herself.
“No she’s been quite uhm, insistent that you’re to talk to her and her alone.”
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Rai groused.
“Because I hate her.” Ean said with a shrug.
“You know she’s like bad fish right? The stench only gets worse the longer you ignore it.” Rai said and Ean shrugged.
“I suppose.” he muttered both he and Rai said looking at the phone as if it were a living thing. “I’d answer it before she sends her flying monkeys.” Ean whispered as he fled the bathroom before she decided to sacrifice one of her compacts. She shook her head at him.
“I wouldn’t put it past her.” Rai grimaced before pushing talk.
“On with it then, we’ve some canned soup I can warm for the young uns, talk as long as you like.” he yelled from the sanctity of the bedroom. Rai glared at him through the walls, as she put the phone to her ear.
“Hello, Violet.” Rai sighed.
“About fucking time.” her sister exclaimed. “Didn’t your asshole of a husband tell you I’d been calling all goddamn day?” Violet exclaimed at the other end and Rai flinched.
“Nice to hear from you, sister. Ean? Oh yes he’s well. Your niece and nephew are fantastic, Dougal turns four in just six weeks. We’re planning a party. The farm is well. We had to sell off most of the cattle, but we still have a few, mostly for Ean’s mother when she visits.” Rai babbled.
“Suck it.” Violet said.
“Just don’t start, Vi. I’m cold and wet and I’ve got shampoo running in my eyes so, what?” Rai snarled. There was an unusual silence on Violet’s end. “Why’d you call, for heaven’s sake, Vi? It’s gotta be 3 am over there.”
“Shit, why the fuck to I have to be the one.” Violet groaned and dread filled Rai’s belly.
“What?” she demanded.
“Ding dong the bitch is dead.” Violet cursed. Rai absorbed her sister’s words the gleaming white bathroom going gray then black as time dilated and she sank to her knees on the cold floor.
“What?” she wept, the tears jumping into her throat before she could stop them.
“Don’t you fucking understand American? Or have you lived with that sheep fucker too long?” Violet reiterated. Rai saw red through the blackness.
“Don’t you talk about him like that Violet damn you! Don’t you ever talk about my husband like that!” Rai shouted, as the shampoo slid further down her face and back.
“Whatever.” Violet went on and Rai knew that was as close to an apology that she was bound to get.
“Why are you still on the line, Violet? What else do you want?” Rai questioned, immediately suspicious. Her sister never called them and when she did it was very brief conversations usually through her assistants.
“The gramps want us to come.” Violet responded. “Back to the house on Martha’s.” Rage flooded through Rai at the thought.
“Hell, no.” Rai snorted. “They ignored us our whole damn lives! They wouldn’t even take us after the trail because we were damaged goods, I’m not going to give those two old farts the time of day.”
“Well look at you, some goddam spine after all.” Violet retorted.
“Why do they want us there? What’s the catch? We don’t need to be there for them to claim the body.” Rai declared.
“They’re doing some fucking thing for The Bitch. I hope they’re fucking burning her ashes with dog piss, but we’re the last surviving heirs. Since Uncle Bobby, died last year and that tart he married never had a kid. So, we’re it.”
“Are you kidding me?” Rai asked realizing what her grandparents wanted. What they needed from them.
“They want to give it to us, all of it.” Violet disclosed.
“No.” Rai said.
“Dammit. Those two tight assed bitches won’t release the money unless we’re all there, your fucking brats too, even the sheep lover.” Violet grumbled. “If you’re not there none of us get any damn thing.”
“I don’t want any damn thing, Violet.” Rai said. “No, too bad do it without me.” Rai shook her head as if her sister could see her from across the Atlantic.
“Fuck me, you were the only one of us to testify and you can’t come to finish this shit?” Violet shouted.
“I’m not talking to you about this, Violet. Tell the gramps I won’t be there, I refuse.” Rai barked.
“They’ll serve your country ass.” Violet said and Rai’s laugh was almost hysterical.
“Let them try, it’ll take them hiring a PI just to figure out where we live.” she chuckled.
“Damn it the gramps are fucking old and they’re gunna fucking keel over! That money has to go to someone, do some goddamn good!” Violet yelled.
“Then let it go to you and Mississippi!” Rai yelled back, equally as incensed. “I for sure as hell don’t want it, we don’t need it.” she hissed. “I won’t let my children be poisoned by them, by their lives, their false love.”
“What about Pops? Me? Mississippi for shit’s shake? The gramps are fucking loaded!”
“You’ve taken the world by storm, you don’t need their money and Pops has always been a grifter, it’s why he married her to begin with, thinking he would get some big payday because she was a New York Voss. How’d that work out?”
“Once he got out, Pops took on Mississippi, he didn’t have to do that, Rai.” Violet insisted.
“Please, the gramps and Pops left us to that crazy woman, Violet! We owe them nothing.” Rai declared.
“My money pales in comparison to theirs and you and that sheep farmer aren’t making anything.”
“For god’s sake Violet, life’s not all about money.” Rai sighed. “Cheryl’s dead for and all you can think about is the money? She killed herself in prison and you don’t care?” The silence at the other end of the line was deafening.
“I’m glad that whore bitch is dead.”
“Vi….” Rai winced.
“Stop being such a fucking bitch, get your asses on a plane! What? Your fuck ass sheep can’t live without you for a fucking week? I can buy the fucking tickets and I know you have your passports. I meet you in Ireland when I did that gig.”
“Violet I told you I’m not coming.” Rai said with a quiet conviction she didn’t usually use on her older sister.
“To fucking spite the gramps? Bitch!” Violet spat.
“I’m done.” Rai murmured.
“You and that motherfucking, farmer. Always thinking, you’re fucking better than everyone else.” Violet exploded.
“Bye, Violet.”
“Oh, right I forgot about the holy and fucking sanctified Rai Mac Coluim. She couldn’t be any relation to the pimped out whore Raisin Bran Anderson.” her sister raged as Rai hung up.
She threw the phone into the wall sending splinters of plastic and battery across the bathroom. Crawling across the tiled floor she slithered into the tub, allowing the tepid water to sluice across her goose pimpled flesh. The water went from lukewarm to ice cold as it poured over her as she sat beneath the spray. All concept of time fled, the rest of the sun fled from the sky and the moon rose through the white paned window. Curling her arms around her legs and leaning her head against her knees as the water racing down her face began to taste of salt.
“Bonny?” Ean called, “are you still in the water, love? I’ve put the children…” he stopped at the door to the bathroom. “Damned evil minions.” he joked seeing the corpse of the telephone. Rai did not look up as he drew back the shower curtain. She knew she wouldn’t be able to bear the knit together brow, or the itchy fingers that meant he wanted to call the doctor. Reaching across her he turned off the knobs and Rai became aware that she was shivering. “Come, bonny, you’ll freeze.” he murmured, taking the enormous towel and wrapping around her shuddering, sobbing frame. Lifting her up from the tub as if she weighed no more than Kerr. Settling her on his lap, Ean sat on the cool tile floor cocooning her in the warmth of his arms and the towel, breathing him in Rai allowed her sobbing to ease as he stroked the top of her damp head with his stubble roughened cheek.
“Well that sure didn’t work to warm you, did it, bonny.” he cooed as her tears turned to heaving hiccups. His arms constricted around her as he tried to draw her closer to him.
“What did the wicked witch of the west coast have to say? Truly I dunna understand why you take her calls. They never end well.” he murmured, waiting for the tumult of emotions to ease.
“The Bitch is dead.” she breathed and Ean went stone still.
“The Bitch?” he echoed, “How?”
“Hung herself.” Rai, hiccupped the tears again attempting to rise up in in throat. She swallowed them down like bitter poison.
“Violet called for that? She might as well of sent an email.” Ean growled and Rai snorted.
“That’s not all.” she said.
“Never, fucking is.” he sighed.
“Ean! I’ve had about as much of that language from Violet as I can stand.” Rai chastised.
“S’truth, Rai. That evil witch calls once, twice a year and does this.” he grimaced, and Rai snuggled back down into his chest. “When will it end, Rai? When will they let you go? When will you let them.”
“I’ve not been back since we left.” she argued.
“Physically.” he mumbled.
“What’s that mean?” she demanded, as she tried to push free of him. The harder she pushed, the stronger his grip became around her.
“I’ll not be lettin’ you go, bonny.” he said and she stopped her defiant struggle.
“I left them all a long time ago.” She muttered.
“Aye, but you’ve never let them go.” Ean reiterated.
“Ean…” she started.
“Nay, bonny, listen and for the first time hear. Just hear me.” he demanded. “Your body may have left New York, but you’re there in your head.”
“I’m not…”
“Hush woman, the doctor says I’m just as responsible for your melancholy as you are.” Rai gasped at that, she didn’t know he spoke with her Counselor without her.
“You’re trying to protect me.” she reasoned.
“Aye, bonny.” He said, letting her go and turning her to face him. “But I can’t.” he reasoned.
“You try.” she sighed, resting her forehead against his chest.
“With all my heart and soul, but even then with every rain…”
“I know, Ean won’t you ever forgive me for that?” she demanded. His fathomless black eyes searched her blue ones, serious and dark in the moonlit bathroom.
“Your lips were the bluest thing I’d ever seen that day, Mam’s scream the loudest thing I’d ever heard and Da’s eyes the saddest when he had to hold me back from goin’ in after you, bonny.” he whispered and his voice cracked on the words. “Isn’t forgiveness I’m lackin’, it’s courage.”
“You married me, you’re the bravest man I know.” she tried to joke, Ean did not respond in kind. “I’m not bad anymore, love.”
“Not as bad.” he stressed.
“Can’t I have some credit?”
“Last Hogmanay Kerr mentioned to my niece, Niamh that you’d grown up in New York. Remember?” he recalled and she did. “I’ve never seen you that angry at the young’un.”
“It’s personal.” she declared
“Where you grew up?” he chided. “It’s like me sayin that my Da is from Aberdeen.”
“They’ll figure it out. Everyone will know, the folks down at the parish, your Mam and Da, Abagail, the people in the village.” she choked out.
“Rai,” he said taking her face in his hands. “they know already.”
“What?” she whispered, her voice so low even as close as Ean was he had to strain to hear her.
“Rai, all they had to was type a few words into the internet to figure out you out. I went to New York to intern for a summer and came home married to a seven teen year old girl. Mam wasn’t so keen on the idea. Thought I’d lost my bloody mind or gotten your pregnant.” he chuckled.
“What?” Rai said, trying to digest the information that her in-laws knew all the secrets she’d spent a lifetime and thirty two hundred miles to hide. “No one ever said…”
“I think Mam was more concerned with the fact that you didn’t know how to cook.” Ean said, and Rai smiled; no matter the conversation he had the ability to make her laugh, or at the very least smile. “They worried a bit after the bit with the creek. When you were in the hospital Da asked me if I were sure I wanted to stay married.”
“What did you say?”
“I’m still here aren’t I bonny?” he smiled.
“You think I should go?” she asked.
“I think you shouldn’t just bury your Mother, Rai. I think you should bury them all.”
“I’m such a mess.” She choked.
“A beautiful mess.”
“Well what else did your sister and I use the term loosely, want?” he asked.
“They’re burying her.” Rai stated.
“Violet? Good on ‘em.” Ean joked.
“Ean, please.” Rai begged. “Cheryl, they’re burying Cheryl.”
“Are we to go then?” Ean asked, continuing to hold her steady on his lap.
“Why?” she snapped and Ean held her away from him just a bit.
“Because the woman was your mother, bonny. She was Kerr and Dougal’s gran and for no matter how brief a time, bonny, there must have been a moment when you loved her.” He reasoned.
“I can’t face them, her, this. I made my life here, away from all of that. I can’t” Rai said