To honor the author's own request that the reader look past the amateurish parts of his writing, I will only suggest a reliable grammar guide such as E.B.White's Elements of Style.Addressing the prologue's content, I suggest a prologue isn't necessary. One of the challenges of good writing is to work the background of a story into its telling organically. In this case, the author provides dialog and description that would fit quite nicely into the first chapter. Any historical background can be absorbed throughout the book.
As a first draft, it contains the bones of the story; the excess bulk can be trimmed and toned with subsequent drafts.