Everything was so loud. The truck’s tires rolling over loose gravel on the road as Matthew pushed it through the darkened streets sounded like a jet plane roaring overhead. My breathing, faster than usual, was overwhelming anything else. Anything except that is, the sound of my pounding heart. Not for the first time, I held my breath, feeling my pulse in my ears, my wide eyes searching the darkened streets. All the lights in all the houses were off, all the curtains closed tight. All the good little monsters were tucked safe in their beds – as the Alpha, my dad, had decreed it. But it only took one noise - a sneeze might be enough – to wake the nearest occupants and send me if not to my death, then to the death of my future.
The curfew had been enacted about eight months ago, when Danny Marsh had tried to sneak out to see his human girlfriend in town. Matthew’s dad had been the one to hear him. It had not been a pleasant experience for anyone involved, least of all Danny. I missed him. We all did. He’d been a really nice guy. That had been my breaking point. That was when I knew I had no option but to run.
My eyes glanced up in the rearview mirror again as I held the steering wheel tight in my hand. The truck was in neutral, so the engine wasn’t an issue. But if I strayed too far from the very center of the unlined pavement, I ran the risk of being caught in one of the security lights that sat on the corner of each and every cookie cutter house on each and every block of Wolf Run Creek, the gated community in which I had grown up. Matthew was moving silently, despite his pushing the old beat up Ford pickup by himself. His hands rested lightly on the back of the tailgate as he pushed without effort. Not for the first time, I thought of changing my mind. But if it wasn’t now, if it wasn’t tonight, it would be never.
And I just couldn’t live my life in Wolf Run Creek. I would rather die.
As we reached sight of the gatehouse, Matthew stopped pushing and I tapped the brakes, my heart skipping in fear. We had a wooded walking trail between us and the houses now, but it suddenly didn’t feel like enough of a buffer. For all I knew, one squeal and it was all over. But, as expected, Matthew’s truck was in perfect shape. And it slid to a slow halt without a sound. It was now or nothing. The only thing between freedom and me was a measly 500 yards. A school, closed for the summer. A playground. A pool. A fence. A gate. A prison yard, to me. And beyond that? The great unknown.
Not that I’d never stepped foot out of Wolf Run Creek. I had, plenty of times. I’d gone on a trip once to Washington, DC for a few days. I was fortunate, as a daughter of the Pack Alpha. But, I’d never been anywhere on my own. Not even the gas station. I was a girl, after all. I wasn’t to be given responsibilities. I had never learned how to drive, Matthew teaching me only enough to get us through this night.
I shuddered as Matthew slid his body through the back window of the truck. He was lean, muscular. I felt my heart break as he gently nudged me to the passenger seat of the car. Matthew. My best friend. My only friend. The only person in my entire life that I knew, without question, that I could trust. He tossed his curly brown hair out of his face with a flick of his head, jaw clenched.
“This is it, ‘Nor. Are you ready?”
“No. Yes. I –“ I fell silent, shaking my head. I couldn’t finish the thought. I was afraid I was going to cry.
Matthew’s deep green eyes were warm and sad as he turned my way. He reached across the seat to take my hand. “You’re so brave,” he said softly.
“I don’t feel brave,” I whispered, squeezing his hand as if he were the only thing real about this night. “I feel scared out of my mind. I just… I don’t know. It was different when this was just talk. When we were just dreaming. But now? This is real. This is…” I trailed off, lifting my eyes to the roof of the car trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. “I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
Matthew rolled his eyes, grinning sadly. “Nor, come on. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re going to leave this place and do amazing things. I’m so proud to call you my friend.”
I smiled, knowing it looked more like a grimace. “You’re the best person in the whole world, Matty. I mean it. I love you more than you will ever know. And I’m going to miss you so much.”
Matthew squeezed my hand once and then turned back to the windshield. “I’ll miss you, too, Nor. Now let’s get you out of here before someone wakes up and has the overwhelming urge to check the streets.”
With that, he started up his truck. My heart leapt into my throat as the engine purred to life. 500 yards. That was it. And then I’d be free.
I held my breath as he idled the rest of the way through the community. I turned to watch my home, everyone I had ever known and loved slowly fade into the background. 300 yards. Then 100. And then, I heard the lifting of the gates – they weren’t locked. They never were locked. No one would dare defy the Pack’s orders. I closed my eyes, breath coming in a soft huff. Then it was over. We were out. I was free.
I spun, the weight of indecision finally lifted, buckling myself in as Matt’s truck leapt to speed down the street. I was giddy with a mix of fear, anxiety, and most of all, excitement. I was going to leave this place. I was going to find myself in a world full of unknown experiences. I was finally away from the fear and obligation I had grown up in. I rolled the window down, holding my arm out, hand facing forward. My fingers were spread wide as I relaxed my muscles and closed my eyes once more, letting my hand ride the slipstream. My soul suddenly felt light enough to lift me to the heavens.
Matthew cranked the music in his truck, and I found myself singing along at the top of my lungs. This was what life was supposed to be like. It was supposed to be loud and fast and a little bit scary but overwhelmingly magical. I laughed like I had never laughed before, the sound bubbling up from somewhere deep inside me, as if it had just been waiting for this very moment to be born.
The ride to the train station was shorter than I would have liked. And by the time we for there, the high from being suddenly real and alive had worn off. As much as I felt my burden had been lifted, when I glanced at Matthew, I realized his was that much heavier. I was safe. I was free to run. But Matthew had to go home. He had to make a dangerous crawl through town again, before sneaking back into his house and hoping that the Pack believed him when he told them he didn’t know where I was. We’d been practicing his line for weeks.
“Matty,” I said, suddenly desperately afraid again. “You don’t have to stay. You can come with me.”
He shook his head sadly, his big loose curls causing his hair to once again fall in front of his face. I knew he’d say no. We’d talked about it over and over. “I can’t, Nor,” he whispered, eyes shut so I wouldn’t see how close he was to crying. It didn’t work. I’d known him my whole life. I loved him, as a brother. I could see through his attempt at being strong. “You’re so much better off without anything behind you. And besides,” he laughed mirthlessly. My heart fell into a million tiny pieces. “You wouldn’t be safe with me. They’d try to find me. They’d make me come home. My blood is strong. I’m needed.”
Lip trembling, I gripped my bag, the only thing I had to my name, tightly. “Then… then maybe I should just stay. Marrying you –“ I paused, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Marrying you wouldn’t be so bad. You’re a good man. And kind. I wouldn’t care about the intimacy. It wouldn’t bother me. We’d be best friends together. For always. Just like we promised each other.”
Matthew turned from me, his shoulders slumping. “You deserve someone who can love you, Nor. The way you’re supposed to be loved. And, I mean, I could try. I could try really hard. If I could love any girl, any girl in the whole wide world, it would be you. I mean, I do love you. But not…” He trailed off as I placed a hand on his arm, urging him to turn and face me.
“Matty. I could never ask you to do that. I wouldn’t want you to. I know you love me. And I love you. But we would never be able to provide the Pack with what it needed, would we?”
Matthew turned, shaking his head. “No,” he said softly, a tear falling from his long, dark lashes. “We wouldn’t.”
I nodded sadly, leaning toward him. He took me in his strong arms, holding me against his chest. He was so warm. I pressed my face against his chest breathing him in. I would never be in this place again. I would never smell him again. I would never hear his laugh or see his smile ever again. He was the one person I had always felt at home with, he was the one who believed in me. He had faith that I was going to become someone. He saw me for who I really was, and he knew that being nothing more than a shadow beside him would smother the fire he saw burning so brightly within me.
Matthew held me gently. As gently as he had the morning we found out about Danny Marsh. When they had told us we were to never speak his name again. That he was dead, that his name would be stricken from the record. As gently as the night I told him I would rather die than hear the mournful howls of Danny’s family as they were allowed one moon to mourn him.
I leaned back, my eyes meeting his. “This is it, isn’t it, Matty? This is the end.”
Smiling tightly, he kissed my forehead. “No, Nor. This isn’t the end at all. It’s your brand new beginning.”
I couldn’t help but smirk at the cheesy line. I would never acknowledge something that bad had made me feel that good inside. I glanced at the train, waiting on the platform. “I’ll write.”
“Don’t,” he replied, his face suddenly serious. “I’ll write you. But don’t you dare ever write me.” I nodded solemnly.
“I won’t,” I answered back, feeling very small inside.
“I got you a going away present,” he said with a grin. He opened the door of the truck and reached into the glove compartment. I waited, surprised. He turned back to me, a cell phone and charger in his hand. “It’s nothing special,” he said softly. “One of those ones where you just buy the minutes monthly from the gas station. But it wouldn’t be right for you to go to school without one. Everyone would think you were from some weird commune.”
I forced a laugh, and he forced one, too. “Thank you,” I whispered, hugging him tightly.
“One more thing,” he said, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. He pulled out ten twenties and handed them to me. “These are to tide you over until you can get settled into school.” I hesitated. I knew I needed money – I was sheltered, but not dumb. But still, two hundred dollars was a lot when his only money came from working part time for his dad’s landscaping company. “Don’t worry,” he said softly. “Dad’s letting me on full time now that I’ve graduated. I won’t miss a penny of it, I promise.”
I reached out, taking the money and folding it up. I slipped it into the pocket of my jeans where it suddenly felt heavy next to my ID card and my papery social security card. “Thank you, Matty. I don’t know where I would be without you.”
He sighed, eyes looking up to the sky. I knew he was trying to imagine where he’d be without me, too. Unfortunately for both of us, it looked like we’d soon be finding out. Matthew checked his watch. “You’d better go,” he said softly. “They’ll only be boarding for a few more minutes.” He unfolded the train ticket he had purchased me earlier that week from his back pocket and pressed it into my hand. “You be safe, Nor. And be brave.”
I nodded, and we hugged one more time, as I heard the train personnel call out final boarding. He kissed me again, gently, on the temple. I lifted onto my tip toes and kissed his cheek. My lips came away sticky and salty with his dried tears. I gripped his hands tightly, my every instinct to latch on to him and never let go. “Goodbye, Matthew,” I breathed, knowing he would hear me.
“Goodbye, Eleonore,” he whispered, squeezing my hand one last time before letting it go. I ran to the train and climbed aboard. I watched him, standing there, as I waited for the other passengers to find their seats. The train whistled, and we started to move. I felt like I was losing a part of myself as I watched him leaning against his truck, hands held tight around his waist, his face showing the pain he felt inside. As the train left the station, I took a deep breath. This was it. I had done it. I had escaped my Pack and was on my way to Sun Valley College. I was the first girl to ever go to college. I was the first girl to leave the Pack.
I closed my eyes, trembling inside. Had I made the right decision? Was I even going to be able to do this? I bit my lip in determination. It didn’t matter if this was the right decision or not. I’d made it, and I would follow it through. I was going to be able to do this because I had no other option. I’d left my home. I could never return to it. I saw Matthew’s sad eyes in my mind. His desperate hope that he was doing the right thing. I would make him proud. I would make us both proud. Even if he’d never know my fate.