This path feels like I have walked down this road before, but for some reason I can’t seem to quit.Most of you’ll know my name and fame but not all of you know the real Janae Davis, the bones and the blood shielded by this bright misleading exterior. There was a day when an angel walked into my life and handed me the key of luck. It was onlymuch later realisation bit mehard with the fact that the lucky key gave me everything I wanted but not everything I needed. We are all works of fiction, but the pages that I ink are the little words inscribed on every corner of every bone in my body. Janae Davis, sensational singer by day, depressive poet by night. See, the funny thing here is that I did try living without the pain but the grief and agony became so much a part of me that I almost felt incomplete without it. My lyrics are fuelled by saltine tears and my voice with all the sadness the seven seas could sustain.
At 22 I was signing myself with TL Records, and suddenly everything was shining under such a glorified light that I had to pinch myself ten times a day to believe that I was finally living the life I had always dreamed of. My manager/ assistant of about three years and the only person close to family was the only one allowed to waltz in and out of my house at all odd hours. Her bright red hair was flying all over my dining room at 1 am the day after I signed my deal.
“It just struck me.” Rose said heading straight for the wine glasses
“That it’s 1 am or the fact that you’re getting too old?” I whispered lazily
She gave me the look that said shut up and listen, “What song are you going to record first?”
“You know I’m meeting the producer tomorrow,”
I knew her deep grey eyes wanted to go through my folder to pick a song. She had been to all of my previous gigs, but that gave her only a glimpse of the words that I had penned. I was very secretive of the words I wrote; in the sense that I wouldn’t sing them if I didn’t think they were exactly what I felt. My scribbles, my splashed ink and my poems were for my eyes only. Her fingers had been itching to pick the unseen and the unheard up to read them ever since she discovered my folder which contained my journal and other such papers.
“Why don’t you decide?”
After a long hard stare, she took the folder from my hand and said “You’re seriously letting me read this?”
“Hurry, before I change my mind.”
Of course things didn’t go the way we had hoped, they almost never do and thankfully this time it was for the better. My debut EP garnered so much fame that it was unfathomable. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the charts and sales.
I wanted to do toned down versions of the songs, but the producers went with something more or less upbeat and in about half a year’s time, I was touring nation-wide with the heartthrob of the country.
“Hey Angel, I’m Ryan.”
Ryan Cane, who didn’t know him? Ryan’s music was a raved worldwide but what made him so wanted were his darling looks coupled with that bad boy image. A girl could try to stay away but she couldn’t resist his charm. As for me, I thought he looked fine, alright and I was a fan of his music but I wasn’t floored by the mere image of him. My crush on Adam Thorpe surpassed the rustic charm of every male singer that is or has ever been. My knees would shiver at the sound of his voice, he was brilliant and insane all wrapped up in one and someday, he would be mine.
“Do you usually address women that way?”
“Nah, just the ones that look like a fallen Angel and you’re the first I’ve met. Tell me, do you have sisters clouding this planet? I’d love to meet them all.” His eyes shined brighter than his career but I hated his flirting.
“You need to get those fictitious sunglasses off, sugar. No angels here, only devils and their playmates.” I winked at him and pulled my hand out of his grasp and walked over to speak to Rose.
“What is your name?” he calls out after me
“For someone who has a certain distinction in story telling, you sure can’t read.” I look over and reply. If I was going to be on tour with a vain womanizer, I was definitely going to have my fun in teasing him. Rose stared at me like I had been hit by crazy in the worst possible way.
“That is Ryan Cane, nobody blows off Ryan Cane. You’re going to be in so much trouble, you realise that?”
“Oh relax, Rose.”
“Keep that smart mouth in check, you’re the opening act and they can easily find someone to replace you.”
“Something tells me, he won’t.” I whisper.
We were at the label head office and both our managers thought it would be a good idea for us to meet before we went on tour. We were in the lounge, sipping on hot cocoa on an unusually cold spring afternoon. I was eating the remainder of my marshmallows and Rose was a rambling wreck. She was adamant that I would do something to create a huge mess which will leave me with less than what I had started out to begin with. Hushing Rose I start discussing the meeting and interviews I had to attend for the next week until the tour started.
“Looks like a lot of interviews involve the almighty’s presence”
“He is the phenomenal and Janae, they want you’ll to be seen together, to tone down his wild wayfaring personality and to get you some popularity.”
“Rose, no. No bloody way.”
“But J, you must. The label thinks it’s the best thing to do. They aren’t forcing you’ll out on dates but they don’t want any animosity. It’s not the acceptable for two of their artists to be feuding in public. Ensure that the news is speculating about your status with Ryan and that should be enough. Plus you’ll be on tour with him, make an effort. Get to know him. Janae, for the love of god, do not tease this man. He’s the kind of man who always gets what he wants, do nothing to haul him over that furious lava. ”
“I don’t know the man to start a fight, but I do think he’s one pompous prick, but I’m in no position to judge his life choices. What time is the interview tomorrow?”
“I’ll see you at 8am, love” a quiet whisper tickled my ears. I hadn’t before acknowledged the density of his voice, so rich yet so deep and almost crude. The kind of voice rock stars have, the kind of voice that made you shiver.
Nodding in response to his closeness, I pushed past him, dragging Rose with me; I wanted to leave for my comfort paradise: home. That thought had to be crossed off my head, there was no resting, I had to be comfortable around Ryan if I had to be on national television with him. Before Rose could say what my mind had been thinking I say “Rose, I‘ll see you later.”
About 15 minutes of fast paced, unfading, backward and forward contemplation later, I walked to where Ryan was standing with his manager and said something absolutely idiotic “Do you want to go grab some coffee?”
“I’m drinking some, aren’t I?” Ryan continued to stare at me until he couldn’t hold it any longer and started smirking. God, that cheeky jerk. I turned around to walk away when he grabbed my hand and said “There is a spare room in the office here, let’s sit there and we can discuss tomorrow’s events.”
“Look, I just don’t want to say something that might embarrass you.”
“Hey, there is nothing you can say or do which might or will embarrass me. They think I’m a horrible human but I’ll tell you a little something? I am a good guy; I’m not what the media makes of me. They almost always click me at the wrong time.”
I half smile at him. We sat talking about everything, from our taste in music to his favourite nightclubs. He told me he didn’t like reading, that threw me off a bit but I wasn’t surprised. There were so many notions that I had passed which needed reversing. He wasn’t half the monster I thought he was. Sure , he was arrogant, but that was a trait which came with his territory. Talking to him was like talking to my best friend, easy and warming. For somebody so famous, he sure didn’t act pricey. Flirtatious? Yes, but he didn’t seem like a beaten up kid at all. He kept ruffling his hand through his near curly light brown hair and the corners of his thick pink lips curled, almost giving away a smile. At 6 feet, he was skinny yet not too skinny and unlike most musicians his age, he hated skinny jeans.
A week passed by like a breeze, just the way it is before a storm. I was too caught up in my conversations with Ryan to ever notice that something might go wrong. He fascinated me, like a child takes fancy to new toys. I saw a different side to him in every conversation we had and somewhere behind those green eyes and long thick lashes, I realised he was just another child who was scared of the night. He never acted like he was 25; to him he was and will always be 15 till he dies. He’d bump into me all the time like gravity had forgotten to provide him balance and his long neat fingers would always be itching to tickle my sides.
Today is the day, I thought. Today is when I left for my short tour with Ryan. I was extra careful with everything that I had to do and even sent out a little prayer to God, I was all but five minutes late to my spot in his tour bus and I hear a grumpy, arrogant voice
“There she is, can we leave now?” a hint of commanded displeasure oozed from his tone. I stood there glaring at him, courtesy seem to evade him this day. Whatever was stuck up his ass needed to get its way out, pronto.
“And good morning to you too” I say in my usual cheerful voice, maybe a little too much considering the air around was denser than usual.
He murmured an inaudible sigh, a something meant to brush me off. His mood was on a serious see saw, and everybody around could sense it. They just walked out of his way. All he did through the three seriously nauseous hours of travel was text. He typed furiously into his phone; at one point I thought he would break it in two.
Right before my first performance as an opening act, I walk up to Ryan. My stylist decorates my face and hair with false lashes and tons of hair spray but none of that seems to generate a slight amount of reaction from Ryan.
I muster the courage to ask him “Ryan what’s wrong?”
“Eh, nothing.”
“That sure doesn’t sound like nothing.”
“You’re supposed to be on stage in 5, go. Angel, you’ll be great, stop shaking. They’re going to love you.”
I gave him one long glance through my lashes, soothed his aching frown and kissed his cheek before turning around to own the stage. Some days, I didn’t quite get him. He seemed so hot and cold at the same time that it could easily be the cause of anyone’s insanity. It had been a week and a half of me knowing him and my life already seemed different. I laughed more and for one moment in this infinite time I didn’t feel alone, I felt like there was someone sailing this ship along with me. I didn’t know his story enough, but honestly, I didn’t need to. He seemed to take all grief away from my eyes as if swallowing my all and letting me have his share of happiness.
That’s another funny thing about grief, your eyes can try and hide it, but your words always fail you. On days when his mind wouldn’t agree with his heart, his head would find its way to my lap, waiting for my fingers to gently stroke them, calming his nerves. Something troubled him and he wouldn’t say it in so many words. Majority of the time I was left to gauge the mood he was in before approaching him.
He was so guarded, yet on the other hand he loved his games and my inquisitive self always fell for them. Lord knows, this might be one of them.
I left the stage after singing a couple of original and covers including Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute and headed straight towards Ryan’s dressing room. It was the best feeling, this performance and being on stage, number two on my imaginary list. That power to sway the crowd, someday I hope to be as amazing as Freddie Mercury. The way he moved crowds and seas was brilliant, I wish he were still here with us, I would have sold my soul to perform with him just once. I had performed at smaller crowds and when I was singing into the camera for my video posts, there weren’t actual people in front of me. The crowd at my usual café wasn’t as vast as this and I never had this much control over a crowd before. I was scared, nervous and ecstatic all at the same time. The lights, the energy, it all blew me away. I was so surprised when my enthusiastic audience began singing songs from my EP along with me. I heard screams of ‘We love you’ and that was all I needed to know that my writing and voice were heading in the right direction.
A wide smile, slightly short of a grin was plastered on my face and I thanked everybody congratulating me on my performance as I strutted along the stadium hallways to march towards the dressing. I gripped around the red shawl a crew member placed on me and nervously I knocked on Ryan’s door.
“You were amazing out there, I hardly heard the lyrics to your songs from all that screaming, but I did recognise the tune of the last one in a heartbeat” he said, sending a knowing wink my way. I had finally done it; I conveyed my desires through that beautiful song and held up my end of the bargain.
“Why, thank you Cane. Are you ready with your next task?” I ask as I carelessly run my fingers up and down his bare arm. He stood before me in a dark tank top and slightly loose jeans. If desire and a form and being, it would most definitely be called Ryan Cane.
“Yep, but that’s going to take a while to finish.” He whispered as he got close enough for me to inhale the scent of his intoxicating perfume. He smelled like danger freshly laced with spice. It was almost impossible to not be attracted to someone like him. His looks needed no introduction but that wasn’t why I found him so hard to resist. It was the little things he did to make me smile and the tiny things he said in the form of chilled words that actually warmed my heart. His words had a masked truth behind them and it’s his smart mouth that got my attention.
“You smell so good, is that Chanel no 5?” I tease, trying to mask the status of my intentions.
He stalked slowly towards me, like the tiger does to his prey. He was the finest piece of nature, so crude yet so pure. In the weeks I spent with him, my heart had soaked up so much love that over flow was the only next, inevitable step. All I knew in that one brief moment we shared under the light was that I wanted to spend all my body and soul on him.
“I dare you to do exactly what’s on your mind” his eyes glazed in something unknown, a colour I had never seen his eyes change to.
“What’s the rush, sugar? We’ve got an entire evening to ourselves.”
He pushed further into me and I stared at him for a couple of minutes. My fingers laced his and my heart began beating like a wild animal against its chains. I took a step back and whispered “You’ll have to earn it”
I wanted to, so badly. I did want to, but I couldn’t wrap my head together and just give myself the green signal. I was doing everything I could to buy more time only because I half knew that if I would kiss him, things between us wouldn’t be the same. Want and Right were fighting a war inside my body and in matter of seconds one or both would lose.
“My Angel” he mumbled in my ear, played with the tips of my hair and brought his lips in breathing distance to mine. Oxygen needed to crawl into my lungs because I forgot how to inhale and exhale. All my senses were focused on his musky scent. It was physically impossible to not be this close to him and I don’t know if it was the heat of this closeness or his words but the minute he pulled back and reached for the door knob I pulled him into me and kissed him. I hated to admit this, and I would probably never tell Ryan this, but my knees lost its purpose every time he called me his Angel. I felt like one when he called me that, it probably was the conviction with which he said the word which threw me off to the other side of rational thinking.
My lips connected with his and we found each other in the lost fizz of drowning enchantment. My hands gripped his hair and his touched my waist. Suddenly, the fever in the room defeated that of an Indian summer. I was startled by a shout coming from the other side of this invisible border. It was time for him to take to the stage and I pushed him onto his couch, looked deeply into his eyes and very huskily said “Break a leg” and walked out of his vanity. He just sat there digesting what just went down, running his fingers into those luscious strands of hair.
While I sat in my room, removing the pounds of makeup caked on my skin, I saw Ryan through the telly set up. I had the widest smile on my face and I finally felt the much raved about slender comfort. He looked absolutely insane standing up on centre stage in a metallic gold jacket and a bright neon orange tee shirt with green pants. Yep, this man was outright crazy. He probably changed after I left and I already missed his old rugged look. I had asked him to wear the most obnoxious outfit while singing exactly what his heart felt and he didn’t fail. I was actually more inclined on the latter part of the promise he made me. Music kicked in and I already knew what song it was. “Pictures” by Terry McDermott, one of my recent favourites and Ryan sang it with so much conviction that it left me bathing in goose bumps. Who was this song for? My mind questions my equally clueless heart.
After an extremely long terrifying hour that left me half in splits and half in worry, Ryan walks in. I hug him tight, kissing his neck lightly and he breaks out of my bond. He just stands there holding my hand, running soothing circles on my palm. This was bad; I could sense it in his comforting. He was trying to be as gentle as possible and such a silky shift in the atmosphere only meant that critical jam I had foreseen.
“I shouldn’t have” he mumbles. “I should have known better, my heart isn’t in its place, its miles away with a girl I met when I was recording my last album. I’m riding in guilt right now, I’m terribly sorry.” He now tried to pull me back into a hug but I planted a firm step back.
“So, are you guys still together?”
“No, she lives in France and has her dream job. She isn’t ready to uproot everything for a guy she’s been with for only seven months.”
Sometimes, seven months is enough time to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody or not. When you get this attached to somebody, length doesn’t seem to matter. It takes moments to fall in love with someone and an entire lifetime to undo that love.
“Long distance?”
“We don’t believe in that. She was one of those few girls who looked at me like I was a human instead of a Greek God, she looked at me just the way you do. So much concern in her eyes but she never showed it. That’s what I loved about her, a feeling of normalness. That and her feisty sarcastic mouth, gosh I miss her so much”
Oh girl, what have you gotten yourself into, my mind said to my heart. They all said that there was something about Ryan Cane that drew even the laziest spirit towards him and I never believed them. I always thought the only reason women flocked him like sheep were because of his stardom, and today for the first time in a very long time, I was proven wrong. I don’t know what irritated me more, the fact that I was wrong or the fact that he hadn’t told me about all of this before he started flirting with me. I couldn’t blame the man for trying to move on, in vain. The only thing left for me to do was leave him be and not further press into his vivacious charm. A failure of attraction was gentler than the failure of the heart.
After carefully evaluating the words in my mind, I whispered “My eyes are sore and I would love to listen to you ramble on about how amazing she is but I can’t. Change that to a will not. I’m going to my hotel room, I’ll see you later.”
“Angel..” he started to say something and tried to reach out for me but whatever it was, stayed choked up in his mouth.
I stayed in bed tossing and turning for a few awkward heartbeats, there was something so odd about what he just said and did. On one hand, I knew he wanted to kiss me as much as I did, maybe even more but on the other his words just say the exact opposite. I was playing with the soul of fire and I knew I was going to get a massive burn but I couldn’t stop myself. He intrigued me, in the way dragon scales do to lost princesses. He intrigued me, in the way quicksilver does to a clenched fist but never for a second had I expected the curiosity that rose in his name to be so urgent that it would drive my mind restless.
I woke up the next morning to a telephone call.
“Hey” breathed that airy deep voice which made my head dizzy. I tried to open my eyes but it was too early in the day for me. I sighed heavily, he suffocated my dreams with beautiful pictures and now, he was what I woke up to. I could try, but I couldn’t make myself stay away from him.
“Shut up, I’m sleepy.” I groaned and he chuckled on the other side. That mirth and laughter had become a rarity and it felt good listening to him be that way. I tried to drown every doubt and just belong to this comforter. At the very least, I had to appreciate his honesty.
“Get your lazy little self up; we have a flight to catch.”
“Ryan”
“Yes, Angel?”
“Come to my room please, I need help.” With that I hung up and by the time I finished freshening up, I heard a knock on my door. I clumsily tried to hurry out of the bathroom and I hit my toe against the edge of the door, I muffed a yelp and ran to the door.
“Hi” I said flashing my pearly whites. I was still in my shorts and tank top and Ryan looked like he was ready to take off any minute. He looked at me, trying to figure out what was making me squirm so much and then he looked at my toe. It was slightly red from the beating it just took on and he just shook his head.
“Clumsy as always aren’t we?”
“Enough jokes have been made; I will not hear another word against my inability to walk without hurting myself. Our flight isn’t for another four hours, why did you wake me up this early?” I spoke through my yawn
It’s 11 am already, plus I was terribly bored”
I could slaughter him right at this moment and it wouldn’t be a crime. I hadn’t slept well last night and when I finally did fall into deep sleep, Ryan woke me up. Perquisites of being a light sleeper, I received a total of three hours of rest last night.
“You said you needed help”
“Ah yes, since we have all this time, make me a cup of coffee and then we’ll decide what I wear today.”
“You’re evil, you know that?”
“Consider it payback”
I walk out of my bathroom in a short blue summer dress and he looks at me keenly, asks me to swirl and after a few painful breaths he said “You make my job so easy, I love this on you.”
“Now all I need is your leather jacket.”
“Come collect whenever you feel like.” Handing me my cup of coffee, he sat us down on the queen size bed a few footsteps away. I instantly cover my legs with the shawl I had been cuddling. He took my hand in his and laced our fingers together; his thumb ran circles on the back of my palm, leaving my pores in gasping tingles.
“Ryan” I sighed.
“Drink up, it’s getting cold.”
He sat down on the ground between my legs, “My neck hurts, and this beautiful friend of yours said you give the most exquisite massages.”
“Now I see why you really woke me up.”
Finishing my coffee, I placed my hands on his neck. A few minutes later, a groan escaped his lips that made my insides flutter. “If you keep doing that, I will have to find a way to shut you up.” He sat up next to me, placing his nose on my collar bone working its way up.
“Yea? And how will you possibly do that?” He looked at me with fancy in his eyes; his breath in my ear had this fine threat to it. I turned to face him misjudging our closeness, only for our lips to brush against each other. It sent shivers down my spine and he grabbed my face and deepened the kiss and my hands tugged on his luscious hair. Right then my phone started ringing loudly which made my already racing heart drive a little faster. I pushed Ryan back, mentally cursing the timing of the ring and almost breathlessly answered Rose’s call.
“I hope you’re awake.”
“Yes, I am. I’ll call you later.”
“Call me once caffeine is swimming in your system, you’re really crappy without it.”
Ryan was sitting exactly where I’d left him. He looked at me as if everything that took place a few minutes ago was my fault. There were equal parts of guilt and want in his eyes, as if he couldn’t decide one from the other. He said nothing for a very long time and I lost patience after a few puffs
“What?”
“I feel like I’m cheating on her”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Ryan.’’
“I have to go, bye.”
I stood staring at the door he slammed a minute ago, a fresh pot of tears were almost brewing. He could easily find the best pulse and twist it against me.