“It’s the big C but it is one of the best ones to get!”
“We need to go shopping” my mum yelled over the noise of the T.V. I responded with the usual groans and muttered to myself how unfair life was as I couldn’t be bothered to leave my cosy spot on the couch where I had been sat most of the day. It was exam time. I was not required to attend school everyday but to be studying at home in preparation for the upcoming exams. I did take this all seriously but not so serious that I wouldn’t end up loosing a few hours as I zoned out to daytime chat shows.
Still muttering about the injustice of my life I dragged myself to to the car and whilst I was fastening my seatbelt I looked over at my mum. It occurred to me that it was Wednesday and we usually did the family shop on a Thursday. This is when I realised something was wrong. As the car stopped at the lights I lowered the radio and asked my mum what the doctor had said.
My mum has spent the last few months going repeatedly to the doctor to have a lump on her breast checked out. The doctor had said it was some sort of boil and had drained the fluid a couple of times. The fluid was sent to be checked as a part of the protocol but my mum was told not to be too concerned as these things happen all the time.
“It’s the big C but it is one of the best ones to get!” she announced in a totally carefree manner . She continued to babble almost excitedly about the things we must get a the shops. Top of the list was a new nightie ,slippers and a large wash bag plus all new toiletries to go with it. Once we arrived at the supermarket she rushed up and down the isles as if we were late for a flight. It occurred to me months later that this was all part of the process. It is one of the many coping methods I was to witness my mum using throughout this process. The idea is that the faster you rush around the less you have to face what is really happening. My mother was an earthy type. This means she was so focused on the here and now that she often said depression was for people with too much time on their hands. This does still seem to ring true for me today as I am often too busy to dwell on any sadness in my life as there is so much to do.
It was 1996 and my mum was 44 and I was 15. I was maturing faster than most of my peers but I was still 15 and had a truly blessed life. This means that I had little or no concept of what this news would mean or how it was about shift my life and everything in it on its head.
After the frantic shopping trip we returned home and packed a bag and ordered some take out for the rest of the family. My mum explained that she was going into hospital the following morning to have her right breast removed and depending on the examination of the breast tissue she would continue with a treatment plan. The treatment plan could include both chemotherapy and or radiotherapy plus taking some medicines for the rest of life to prevent recurrence. Life seemed almost jolly, she had been fussing over this lump for many months so it did feel like we finally had an answer and could move on. After all the press was buzzing with celebrities that had beat breast cancer and were fighting fit , even better than before.
Her positivity was contagious. It was as if no one in her presence was allowed to get all miserable and sad about her diagnosis. It was the best one to get in her mind and this meant breast or no breast she was going to be just fine in a few months. I am sure many stories start and even continue in this vain but my mother’s positive outlook was genuine and very rarely faulted.
My reaction at the time was also positive. There was absolutely no way that this was going to take any longer than a few months to get over. Of course looking back now I realise that I was protected by my own limited knowledge and naivety about breast cancer but also about life in general. Until that point my life had been almost perfect and idyllic. I had such a solid, secure childhood and I am proud of the teenager that I was . In the exert below (aged 15) I do not write about my own selfish concerns my focus is outward to my mother ’s well being.
Exert from my diary May 1996 (unedited)
“Found out Mum’s got Breast Cancer, having right one removed tomorrow! Feeling numb and a little overwhelmed. Mum if you can feel my love, I hope you don’t feel alone and you know that I am here to help you get through this. I know we can get through this and overcome it.
Please if there is a g-d thank you for sending me all this love! Please keep her safe. Goodnight Mum love you.”
I feel the need to explain my mum’s optimism. It was not an empty uneducated belief or part of a master plan to protect her loved ones from feeling sad or panicked with the news of the big C. Her positive outlook had a strong basis in logic , well logic to my mother and maybe not to many others. The reality is she watched many suffer with cancer including her father who suffered and subsequently lost his battle with lung cancer. I was often told stories of those days. The days before advanced treatments and transplants. The days when sometimes you went in for exploratory surgery with the hope that the cancer would be successfully removed to wake up to the news that nothing could be done. Now, it is not as if this never happens today but it does happen more rarely and according to my mothers absolute conviction it wasn’t going to happen to her. This is manly based on the presumption that breast caner is more curable no matter what as it is in the breast and therefore by definition must have been detected early. This logic, my mothers logic served my entire family and her close friends well as we all nodded and murmured in agreement each time she would claim “it’s the best one to get , this breast cancer one” I don’t know want to over state that this is for the most part not based in scientific fact , ( further reading find quotes for breast cancer morbidity) .
In 2016, it is estimated that among U.S. women there will be
http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/Statistics.html
or in other words many women are surviving breast cancer but early detection or preventative surgery are having a huge impact on these statistics.
I have to state very clearly that I totally loved and to this day love the fact that my mother held on tight to her slightly floored logic about the big C. I have spoken over the years to family and friends about how my mum handled her diagnosis as maybe in some part she was continuing to protect her family. Instead of uncovering some other truth to my mothers attitude I found that it was genuine and pure . She 100% believed that this silly breast cancer was not about to beat her in anyway. This strength , bravery and absolute dignity in which she dealt with this diagnosis also enabled her to help hundreds of other women being faced with the same illness. I am so grateful that I was able to witness first hand how a person lives with positivity. It is stated in many books on the topic of breast cancer survival how ones mental attitude to a diagnosis and treatment will evidently effect a person’s outcome. Therefore even if my mother’s logic was slightly or even hugely floored I am grateful for her sayings as they certainly made this part of our lives much more bearable.
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” – Winston Churchill
“Optimism is the foundation of courage.” – Nicholas Murray Butler