How to Shush Your Fears

Written and Illustrated by Aigi Z.

Copyright © 2021 Aigerim Zhangaliyeva

All rights reserved.

Cover design by: Yanosen Studio www.yanosen.studio

Introduction

As kids, we are taught to fear things that can hurt us. It helps us to stay safe, but sometimes it also limits us in what we can explore. Fears, just like shadows, follow us everywhere throughout our lives. As adults, we are expected to conquer them. Somewhere in between, we are supposed to learn how. We need to learn to tell the good fears from the bad ones. We need to be able to know when to push ourselves and when to let go. This story is to help those of us in between to deal with our fears. It happened to a girl who was very curious about her emotions, including her fears. Her curiosity let her make an unexpected friend. She is telling her story herself as she remembers it years later, and she made some sketches to help tell her story.

Turn Your Fears into Excitement

“Amazing new life and new adventures, Nora,” my parents promised me, announcing their decision to move to a new place. I wondered what was wrong with our old lives and old adventures. “The only way to find out is to live through them,” my dad told me. So I trusted him. I had to; I was eleven. I got excited by all the new promises, but at the same time, I was scared of them as well. I was afraid of uncertainties coming from a “new life.” What if I don’t like the new school, the kids, the neighborhood there? Excited and scared at the same time. How is that even possible? I didn’t know back then. Now I do.

Everything that was going to happen at our new place has never happened to anyone before. But I am getting ahead of myself. My old self was glad to see my parents that excited. It rarely happened at our old place.

My mom had to relocate for her job, and I was moving with her. My dad was supposed to join us a year later; his work kept him from moving with us. Both of them had serious jobs that kept them busy. We had never lived separately before, even just for a period of time, and it was a big change for us.

I remember the three of us in our car on the way to our new home. It was the sunniest day I have ever seen. Not a single cloud in the sky. The sun sparkled through the leaves of every tree we passed. I couldn’t stop taking pictures. Each picture I took was better than the previous one. No filters needed.

My mom was genuinely excited and could not stop smiling. At our old place, she used to smile only when it was necessary—when taking pictures, talking to neighbors or my teachers. She was very intelligent, hardworking and always worried about making smart decisions. Every time I would ask for a birthday present, I had to make sure with her that it was a “smart decision.” It had to be something durable and useful. Last year I got a robot-making kit and I loved it. Other girls in my class would get make-up kits. I could not understand how that present was useful or durable. But I could understand how it was fun, even for just a little while.

But this time she seemed to be the one having fun. She was excited about a little puppy we saw on our way, a bakery, a coffee shop, pretty much everything we saw. That was new. I liked it. My dad was a bit quiet, I figured in his mind he was busy with his work, as he often was.

Stepping into our new home was a bit scary. It was empty and cold. But my mom said, “We can decorate it the way we always wanted. It will be cozy and warm. You can even pick your room.” I got excited about it and started running around, looking for a perfect room. Starting all over can be scary, but it also can be a way of bringing changes I always wanted. I could finally have a bed right next to the window and decorate the whole room the way I wanted.

Soon enough, I had to start new school at the new place. Anyone who has ever been to a new school knows that your first day is when you feel a lot of everything—fear, excitement, and loneliness. I had never felt that alone, even when I was actually alone in my room. I always felt someone’s presence with me—someone’s very familiar. Maybe I was just imagining things to escape the scary reality of being alone. My mom kept saying very proudly that I have a strong imagination and I am not afraid to explore it. I always thought, Why would someone be afraid to explore it? It is only pretend; after all, it is just imagination. But feeling alone was a bit scary. Starting at a new school was not easy, facing unfamiliar situations and unfamiliar people. Alone means alone with your thoughts, no one to share them with, and that is exactly what was happening to me, since I didn’t know anybody there.

It was finally a lunch break when I found a great-big rock in the field behind our school. No one was around it. It was a sunny day (like many other days). I sat down on the rock and looked down. I stared at my shadow, and I stared some more, until suddenly I felt like it was giggling. I got this funny sensation when something that has to be part of you starts moving on its own.

Oh, I must be imagining things. I tried to calm myself down. But then another thought came to my mind: What if I’m not? What if it is my shadow trying to break free and run away? I continued staring at my shadow, hoping something would happen again. I even wished for the wind to blow and shake my dress a bit and make my shadow move again. But it was different, no funny sensation. It took some time to feel that “giggle” again. I froze. I was afraid to move. I wanted to make sure it was not me who was making my shadow move. And most importantly, I was afraid to lose that sensation again. I realized it would look very weird if I just started talking to my shadow, asking, “What is happening? Who are you?” But my curiosity won, and I asked.

My shadow said, “Hi!” Well, it waved “Hi” at me with my left hand. “No way,” I replied, making sure my left hand was not moving. The weird, funny sensation was more continuous this time, making me smile uncontrollably.

“I can’t control myself!”

“Who are you?” I asked, realizing that I was talking to my shadow. It pointed somewhere, but I couldn’t see where exactly, so I moved from its way. That sensation got much stronger for a moment; it made my whole body tremble a bit. But suddenly I saw my shadow being completely separate from me.

“How did you do that?” I continued asking, realizing that it couldn’t talk. It could only use gestures to answer me. I started touching my shadow (well, touching the ground) to make sure it was actually happening. To prove that it was real, it started moving, waving its hands, and jumping. “Wow!” I was truly impressed, like never before.  

“Nora, the break is over!” I heard Mrs. Yamato calling me to come back to school. I jumped on my shadow. I didn’t want anyone to see my newly found secret. “Yes. You’ll be my secret,” I said to my shadow. I was not sure for a moment if my shadow would follow me if I ran back to school. I did a test step or two, saying, “Come on, let’s go now. I will look extremely weird if I go back to school without you.” But apparently it needed no persuasion. It just followed me, like it always did before. I became more confident and started running as fast as I could. I wasn’t lonely anymore. I felt like I was running not alone, but with a friend running next to me. It felt nice. With a big smile, I ran into the classroom and sat down on my seat, but I couldn’t stop staring at my shadow.

Our classroom had big windows. Everyone had sat in their seats already. I couldn’t help but notice that everyone had a shadow. As long as there is a light, there is a shadow. Anyone or anything has one. I wondered what that meant for a moment, but I couldn’t figure it out just yet. My seat was right next to the window behind everyone. Mrs. Yamato started talking. Her voice was very calm and pleasant. Everything she said felt like it came with deep wisdom from her lifelong experience. I loved listening to her voice, but not this time, I couldn’t stop replaying what had just happened in my mind. I felt playful and couldn’t stop shaking my leg just to see my shadow move. I wondered why it was happening. Why me? Why now? There must be a reason. And most importantly, what can I do with my new discovery? I even tried to make a list.

• Solve crimes
• Make awesome youtube videos and earn lots of money
• Help people who are in trouble

My list wasn’t long, because when I got to the third idea, I didn’t need to think anymore. I felt the first two ideas were too ambitious for an eleven-year-old. They would draw too much attention to me, and I may end up performing for some sort of freakshow. But I felt that my third idea was exactly what I could do. I was thrilled. I started imagining how to use my new powers. Now I could get behind closed doors, through walls, and even on top of the school roof. Well, not me, but my shadow. I needed to learn more and find out what we can do together.

Suddenly, the loud voices of my classmates interrupted my train of thought. “Me! Me! Me!” they were shouting. It was something our teacher asked or said, which resulted in a big reaction from my classmates. But Mrs. Yamato chose a quiet boy named Tom to come up in front of everyone and answer her questions. He had short, messy curls and was obviously afraid of getting up in front of everyone. Tom got up slowly and moved even slower, as if waiting for something in the universe to interrupt him. Fortunately or unfortunately, nothing happened. He stood right there in front of everyone, sweating and answering questions. He knew all the answers but was looking down.

Then I looked at his shadow. Something was off. It was growing. Nobody else noticed, except for Tom and me. He was looking down, and he noticed something was wrong, then he looked up to see if anyone else had noticed it. Our eyes met for a moment, both surprised with what was happening. This is when Mrs. Yamato said, “Thank you, Tom. Very good! Please go back to your seat.” He hurried back but couldn’t stop staring at his shadow. He looked worried. After the class was over, he left the classroom as fast as he could. I couldn’t reach him this time. “Okay, then tomorrow,” I told myself.