What if I start the movie by waking up in a shared dorm with a massive boner. Laying on the lower bunk bed of a mixed-gender room at the Burners hostel in Reno, Nevada. My hard cock under the sheets. And the sound of screaming homeless people fighting outside the window.
The first thing I do is double-check if there´s someone on the mattress above. Then I look for some piece of paper I can´t find. I need something to clean my sperm with. So I get out of bed, stick my dick between my underwear towards my belly button, cover it with a t-shirt, and head to the bathroom in search of a toilet roll. On my way back, I run into this pretty girl from Georgia, who I met in the lobby the day before. Her hair is wet, and she´s wearing nothing but a skimpy towel. Legs are perfectly shaved. She´s returning from the shower to her room but holds to greet me.
She: Mornin’
Me: Mornin’
My dick beats harder than a drunk on a nightclub door.
Georgia: You have to see my room.
I hope to see more than that.
Her actual real voice: Come inside.
My Brains: Oh yes.
It´s a private room with a double bed. Horny aliens painted on the wall. Or maybe it´s just me, and the aliens are fine.
She goes: Don’t you think it´s a little weird?
She’s almost naked. And so clean... If I could only close the door. There’s nothing tastier than a recently showered girl. I’ve been in the US for a month and a half now and still haven´t got laid. Is it so strange to assume that we´re seconds away from morning sex?
Her innocence: I’m a little frightened. Last night the owner knocked on my door to see how I was doing. He must be over his fifties. Don´t feel comfortable staying here for free, but I ran out of cash, my car deposit is almost empty, and my phone broke. I don’t know what to do...
My cock: I’ve been playing at the Casino, and there´s a roulette machine I figured out. Yesterday I also won a Texas Hold’m tournament... If you want, we can look for a store and try to fix your phone.
She accepts: Then I can call my dad and ask him to lend me some money.
Hopeful me: Great! Let´’s do it.
I leave the room, dress up, and meet my prey back at the reception. The workers ask us about our plans for the day. When I turn around to close the main door, I get the feeling they´re interested in us hanging out together. We walk & talk from 4th street to Virginia. It´s boiling outside, even the homeless are dimmed by the sun.
She starts: I’m Caroline, by the way.
Me: I’m Krazy
Caroline laughs: You’re funny. Thank you for helping me.
Strategic but not necessarily with expectations: I’m glad I can.
Small talk Caroline: What are you doing in Reno?
Krazy: It’s the cheapest accommodation I could find. I tried to earn some money in California, but it didn´t work out. Casinos suddenly became plan B.
We stop at the Palace Jewelry.
Chill Caroline: Let’s ask here.
I’ve never seen so many weapons in my life. All sorts and kinds. Also, a dead deer hanging from the wall. Traveling around northern California, I learned that deers are sacred animals. Native Americans see them as a symbol of intuition, sensitivity, gentleness, and fertility. The first time I saw a deer jumping, I cried at the beauty of its movement. I suppose, in Nevada, they prefer guns.
Guy: Did you try to charge your phone after it got wet?
Smart Caroline: No
Phone guy: What kind of water was it?
Lucky Caroline: River water
Phone repair guy: I will have to open it and look if there´s rust. These phones are dangerous to tear apart; you might lose your data. You got a backup cloud?
Disappointed Caroline: No
Businessman: It will cost you 60 dollars, even if you lose your data or not.
Positive me: That´’s not a problem.
I pull out my wallet and hand him the money.
Protocol him: Ok, so please fill this authorization and come back tomorrow.
Sweet Caroline: I hope I don´t lose my data.
My turn: Wanna go for a walk along the riverside and grab some food?
Her’s: I don’´t know. I think they’re expecting me to work at the hostel in exchange for the room.
Krazy: Ok, I’´ll see you later then.
She: Thank you so much, you’re the best. I feel so bad that you’re helping me.
Unwary: It’s no big deal.
And now the consequences of winning 475 Dollars at poker last night. I grant myself a delicious meal, overtip the waitress, and pamper a panhandler. Then instead of walking along the river, I fly straight back to the Casino. The Silver Legacy The Mother Fucker! I drink, I play, I lose. If this part is to be seen in the movie, I consent to embarrass me. Drinking tequila on the rocks and playing Black Jack without knowing the rules is not a smart combination.
One thing I learned about casinos is that if you win, you never stop, and if you lose, you never stop. Or I could write instead: One thing I learned about casinos is that there´s nothing to learn about casinos. It´s all stimulating bullshit.
I had to pray to win back 40 bucks from the roulette machine, and now I´m thanking God I paid for a few more nights at the hostel in advance. I visualize the communal peanut butter in the kitchen. That´ll save me. I flew in San Francisco with 100 dollars and got here so far. Reno will be just fine. Let´s hope my room is empty so I can play with myself. Duh! I’m starting to sound Christian... ... Too much time in America. I snore.
11 AM. Rise and shine.
Guilt: What the hell did I do. I need coffee. Shit. Idiot. You stupid idiot. Breathe. What´s done is done.
I meet Caroline at breakfast.
Sym-pathetic me: Let´’s go and see if they fixed your phone.
Distant Caroline: Oh, thank you, I already got it.
Money, money, money: You got the chance to call your father?
Distracted Caroline: Yes. You saved me, you are the best.
The hostel manager and other employees keep watching us.
Again me: Wanna go for a walk?
Bitter Caroline: I’d loved to, but I told Inka I would help her do the room cleaning.
Moron me: OK, see you later then.
I jump back to bed. My head hurts. I lay down for a while until the vacuum cleaner starts. Shit! They´ll probably knock on my door soon. I tidy up the room and open before they do.
Krazy: How’s it going?
Inka: There’s a lot of work.
Caroline smiles at me.
Krazy: I can help
Inka: You can clean the hall
I commence vacuuming the moquette. This old machine makes an awful noise, so when I get close to Caroline, we can at least talk with a little privacy.
Surprisingly: This place is crap. I cleaned the whole floor yesterday. And then the owner, Gus, started talking about the 10 principles. That every one staying here should live by them.
Following the conversation: I memorized them on the bus here to get a ten dollar discount.
Suspicious Caroline: Something about radical self-expression and radical self-reliance and no trace bullshit.
Confirming: Leave no trace
Caroline: Exactly. It’s creepy. I wish I could leave today! I miss Cali. I got a job offer at Google in San Francisco and some friends I can stay with.
Hero me: I have an idea. Let me ask at the reception if they can give me back the nights I paid ahead. If they do, I can cover for gas and drive with you to SF if you want. I need to pick up a friend at the airport, it´’s still in a couple of weeks, but maybe it´s better to stay in Cali meanwhile.
Happy Caroline: We could visit Lake Tahoe on the way, have you been there? It´s beautiful.
We cease cleaning. I haunt the front desk to claim my refund, but the vassals don´t act too happy about it.
Idiot receptionist: We need to confirm with Gus. Get back in an hour.
I feel a sudden rush to flee the place. I run upstairs and pack my bag, which is not too harsh to do; Three pair of socks, three underpants, four t-shirts, two sweaters, two pairs of shorts, and a pair of jeans Ah, and my leather agenda. Oh, and my mobile charger. Anyway, after an hour of waiting in my room, I peacefully walk down and obtain my reimbursement.
Satisfied: Thank you
The other idiot: Where are you going?
Clear and Straight: I’m going with Caroline to Lake Tahoe.
Fat Loser: The Google girl? She already left for San Francisco with Inka.
The greatest idiot me: What do you mean she left?
I scamper outside and look around the building. I suffer as if my mother abandoned me. What the fuck is wrong with Americans? Then I spot her sitting in her car talking on the phone. I feel relieved and in doubt at the same time. I knock on the window, and she points out her finger, telling me to wait a minute. Perhaps I got a little too jumpy. She finally hangs up after a long, torturing minute and opens the door.
Caroline: I’m so glad we’re leaving this place. You saved me. You’re the best.
She starts the engine and sets Lake Tahoe as the destination on her mobile. I fasten my seatbelt.
Caroline: How could you stay here for so long...
Me: It wasn’t all that crap, I met friendly guests too. Some of them were building a temple for Burning Man. They came home excited every day after work and shared their food with me.
Caroline: The hostel managers are definitely not reliable.
A little suspicious: They told me you left with Inka
Smart Caroline: They tried to convince me to stay. Then Inka came and told me she wanted to visit her family in Oakland. That we could crash at her’s for a week, work at the Google convention, and come back.
Me recovering: They called you the Google girl.
Her laughing: Really? The creepy fat guy at the Reception? He told me he’s the manager. That he and Gus decide who’s welcome. And that they were going to ask you to leave.
Me: Me?
Real Chill Caroline: He warned me about you. Said you tried to have sex with all the girls at the hostel. That Inka told him one night, you started smelling her feet on the stairs. And that she is celibate and all. And that you knew it.
Speechless me: W.T.F
Impressive Caroline: You’re gonna love lake Tahoe. We need to find a gas station.
We stop at the first one we see. I step out of the car to pay at the counter. She puts gas. For a second, I reckon she’s going to run off alone. But she doesn’t.
Fascinating woman: The Google girl...
On the road through the mountains, with a fantastic site over the lake, her phone rings.
Driving and answering the phone: Hey! Yeah, I’m out of there. Lake Tahoe. We´re gonna stop for a quick swim. I need to clean myself. What do you mean you called? No, no way. You shouldn’t have done that. What did they say? No way. That´’s a lie. Yeah, he’s here. Ok, ok.
She hands it over to me.
Tatá!: Here. My boyfriend.
Me with an internal explosion: Hi! Yes. Yes. Ok. Ok. Bye.
I hand it back. Caroline hangs.
My new friend Caroline: I can’t believe he threatened them.
Me living the moment: He told me I can stay at his place. That there’s work for me if I want.
My BFF Caroline: Great! His house is lovely, it´s in the mountains. If we drive fast, we can make it there before dark.
From one person: Where is it?
To the other: In Sonoma County. Close to Occidental.
The following scenes should be her taking pictures of me swimming in Lake Tahoe. Eating ice cream while sharing our best Instagram posts. Shopping in the Thrift shop where I find the perfect boots for the Burn. Second hand. 15 dollar. Singing "Back To Cali" and other nineties hits on the highway... We even stop for a quick visit to the church where Hitchcock filmed "The Birds." And right before sunset, we reach Caroline’s boyfriend´s domains. I hear a dog barking. We´re surrounded by trees. I step out of the vehicle, grab my bag, and discover a man standing on the terrace.
The man: Joker, come here. Joker. Get back. Good boy.
The dog barks and stands by his pal. It´s a chummy border collie.
Caroline hugs the guy, and they kiss. Another fellow around the same age, we´re all in the thirties, walks outside the house to join us.
Caroline’s boyfriend: Hi, I´m Corter.
Me: Hi
The other guy: Hi, Corter.
Confused Me: Your name is Corter too?
Single Corter: Yes, but we don´t like to be referred to as Corter one and Corter two.
I think it best not to laugh.
Caroline: Ok, so now that we all know each other, let’s have a beer.
Her boyfriend: Yeah, and tell us what the hell happened in Reno.
We sit on the terrace and explain what cropped up at the Burners hostel. Caroline´s boyfriend threatened the managers and received a call back from someone claiming to be their lawyer.
Corter: It’s all bullshit. These fuckin’ burners.
We drink more beer and smoke a dubby. There is stress ´cause the landlady said she was going to call the cops if they didn´t leave the house by the end of the month. Meaning they had to get rid of their laboratory and find somewhere else to keep the business running.
The other Corter: You’re welcome to stay and help us pack.
Me interested: I have to pick up a friend at the airport in San Francisco on the 24th, but till then, I´m thankful to be able to stay and help. I can cook too.
Sweet Caroline: Yummy!
Sweet boyfriend: Your gonna stick around too, babe?
Caroline deciding: I guess. I have to work in SF on Friday to earn some money to pay back my dad, though. But yeah, it´’ll be fun to live all together here.
Single Corter: I need to go to work now. You wanna join? We can have concentrated mushrooms before we leave.
I understand it’s a good idea to leave the couple alone for the first night; therefore, I accept the invitation and put all my trust in Corter´s hands. We eat the fungus and drive away in a Volkswagen Caravelle.
I own a Hippy van myself. It saved my life many times. You can’t drive fast, and if you get too drunk, you sleep in it.
We stop by a house fifteen or twenty minutes away. There’s no one there, but we get in the garage and take 4 pine boards with us. We tie them on the roof. The Psilocybin is coming on fast. We drive again a little further and get to a crowded house. They open the gate and we park.
Corter: We’ll unload the coffin later. Let me look for Jess and ask where she wants us to drop it.
Flipando: A coffin?
Corter already heading towards the party: Yeah, it´s a funeral. Come.
I join a group of people who are talking and drinking beer on the patio. It’s a beautiful house with a big garden. There’s music on and children screaming and jumping on a huge rubber castle. Everybody’s friendly. I start meeting different guests who are sharing weed and trying to have a good time at what I´m told is Goki´s funeral. A couple that flew in from Arizona is openly interested in my persona. The guy, Mario, announces it´s their first trip together. She adds it´s not really a holiday.
Mario: I was very close to Goki, may he rest in peace. But my pumpkin here didn’t get the chance to meet him.
He kisses her.
His girlfriend: It swells to escape from the kids for a few days.
Deeply interested Me: How many kids do you have?
Pumpkin: Three. They’re all mine. Mario and I just started dating.
I notice the psilocin is getting in my head and retire to catch some fresh air. Why am I here? I can see it´s a new way of celebrating death. I like that. But I feel strange towards the person who just died. I wander around in the garden and choose to try something I recently learned in Mendocino county from a guy who looks very similar to Rick from "Rick and Morty" - He even burps all the time -. I put both hands on the soil and ask Pachamama what it is I can do, what would Goki want me to do being at his funeral without even knowing him.
I sense the earth and understand the only thing I can do is to be kind to his friends and family. I rejoin the terrace and sit with a bunch of them. Soon I’m asked how I know Corter.
Me: We met today. I´m staying at his place with the other Corter. I´m a friend of his girlfriend, Caroline.
A friend of Goki: How awkward is it that they are both called Corter
Another friend: I know
Another friend: You got a strange accent, where are you from?
I cannot lie: Ibiza
Another friend: The party island? I can´t believe it. Wait, Jess has to meet you.
Goki’s cohort brings me inside the house and calls her name. A blond drinking white wine in the kitchen turns. We walk towards her.
Goki´’s friend: Jess, this is Krazy.
Jess: Hi, nice to meet you.
Goki´’s friend He’s from Ibiza
Jess No way. I can’t believe it.
She grabs my hands and presses my fingers tightly. I stand still and smile. A three or four-year-old girl comes tumbling on her both feet. She points with her finger.
Little girl: Mommy, can I have a cookie?
Mommy: Yes, sweetie, one more cookie, and you’re done.
Sweetie: And one for Mr. Jingles, please.
Letting be mother: Ok, one for Mr. jingles too.
Jess reaches a candy box on top of a rank. The little girl receives her cookies, bites one, and hops away.
The little blonde: Thank you
Me: You have a beautiful daughter
Proud mother: She looks exactly like her father. We already knew he wasn´t going to live long when we agreed to have a baby. The first year she was born, he was so happy it looked as if the sclerosis didn’t exist anymore. You know, it has always been Goki´’s dream to visit Ibiza with all his friends. It´’s the one thing he hasn’t done. A nightclub called Privilege he talked about, he said it´s the largest club in the world.
Ibicenco me: That´’s right.
A loving person: And that there’s a swimming pool inside. That people are jumping in the pool, and having sex on stage. That everybody´s dancing and having fun without any judgments.
Honest me: It used to be like that. Ibiza has changed a lot. But it´’s still a beautiful island.
Goki´’s wife: I wish he would have seen it. He saved the money for us. You should´’ve met him. He was a great person.
High on mushrooms me: I’m grateful I’m here. I believe in death as a transformation. And you are all transforming a lot of things today. On different levels. Your relationship with his presence and being. And the way you honor his life instead of a traditional funeral, with a party. I would like people to learn from this.
Widow: On Saturday we’ll all be meeting at the beach for a ceremony and after we’ll make a huge party. That´’s what he wanted. His friends and family to get drunk and take drugs all night long.
Corter comes into the picture and greets Jess.
Corter: Where do you want us to leave the planks?
Jess: I don’t know.
Corter, Jess, and I walk alfresco. We unload the pine boards.
Jess: I thought it might be a good idea for people to write on it. But I didn’t buy anything to write with.
Corter: Maybe tomorrow. Just say where you want us to leave it.
Jess: You can leave it here, I guess.
We lay the wooden planks against a stone wall. Mario’s girlfriend joins us to see what we’re doing. Corter kisses Jess goodbye. I receive a hidden letter in my hand. Then we hop in the van and depart.
Driving Corter: I’m beginning to feel too close to Jess.
Innocent me: She’s nice
Corter in doubt: She’s cool, dude. But I don’t think it´’s a good idea to hook on her now.
Corter is very high. Driving is a hard task, but it looks like he´s done it before. I check the little note; Meet me on Saturday 623-7473290 Pumpkin. I close my eyes and imagine doggystylin’ her on the beach.
Opening up Corter: I mean, she’s texting me and asking me to come and take a bath with her and shit. She wants it, man. Maybe to feel alive or something.
He shouts at me: Wake the fuck up man
Mad: Don’t fuckin’ fall asleep on me, man.
Selfish me: I’m sorry. I’m here. ’´m here. You’re doing good. Go left. Now there comes a curve to the right. Great. You’re doing great.
I didn’t realize we need our four eyes open on this one. We’re high as fuck. The van accelerates and brakes. It´s quite dangerous, and we almost crash three or five times. At some point, it appears we made it, but we don´t. We take a piss and look at the stars. Then we continue. An odyssey later, Corter turns off the key again. We step out of the Volkswagen. He starts screaming and celebrating.
Corter: We did it. Oh fuck. We made it!!
We hug and shake each other by the arms breathing loudly. Then we lay on the ground among thousand-year-old redwoods and wait for the fairies to appear.
Alive me: I think I can see their bathing pools.
Try to imagine a Fairy spa. But sadly, without fairies.
Corter struggling to stand up: They never show up. Only the dog can see them.
After falling and crawling over the ground a few times, Corter finally gets on his feet and manages to throw himself on the bed inside the van. The house stands 10 feet away from us, but I stay right where I am. Chilling between the Redwoods, longing for a fairy to make her presence felt.
Fade to black