Glitches Ad Infinitum
Chapter Zero: It Always Grows Dark
This story began as any great story would, narrated by a talking tree. Legends speak of three color-coded gods of dubious purpose that birthed this great land of Highmule. One god gave us life, the other gave us the sky and the third one gave us free will.
All was wonderful when they ruled; the sun smiled as the bunny rabbits scampered across the fields of rainbow flowers along the shores of rivers made of chocolate and dreams. But then one day there was darkness.
An evil wizard took the god’s powers for himself and used them to spread hate and monsters wherever he could. With his stolen power he built himself a big floating castle to no doubt plan more evil, plunging the world into absolute darkness.
There is a prophecy though, it spoke of this day. It spoke of a Hero that would eventually after days of farm work, fishing, clay pot smashing and even more fishing would learn to play the magic flute and swing a sharp sword very loudly. He would save us all from the evil wizard’s terror.
He would rise up from humble beginnings to one day claim the legendary weapon of legend known only to those of legend as the legendary Legend Sword of fabled legend.
This weapon is said to be the only thing able to slay the wizard because it was granted to him by the three gods themselves. It was forged by the rainbow rocks of legend and only a being of true destiny and legend could wield it.
The legendary Hero of legend would strike down the villain with his magic sword and save the world in the end. He would attain true godhood and would eventually use that power to go back in time so as to undo this whole story, rendering it completely pointless, or so the legend goes. I tell you all this tale as but a humble, omnipotent talking tree.
This is the story of a Hero and his princess; this is the Legend of the Fables of Greshelda and the Trapezoid of Competence.
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We begin our tale in the Highmule woods, home of the young Hero and bed of his waiting destiny. The Hero awoke in his hollow tree, wearing the sacred uniform of legend, a green skirt and garden gnome hat, or so the legend goes, which it totally does. The Hero at this point was a mere child but he still bore the traits of a great man, speaking little but also doing little.
He rose from his wooden bed and saw much to his non-surprise the legendary blue fairy of great helpfulness. “HEY!” it shrieked, or so the legend goes. “GO TO THE TALKING TREE!”
The Hero set off without a second glance for he knew that this was his destiny that he had waited for all his life. He slid down his ladder and gathered many gems of financial worth from his neighbor’s private property along the way.
He nobly shoved aside all the adoring female attention that he was no doubt showered with because his journey was far too important to be distracted by idle pleasures.
He knew though that he could totally score with these women were he not so busy with ADVENTURE. On his way to meet with the talking tree the Hero was stopped by the town dick, MiloOtis, elven preventer of progress.
“You can’t talk to the tree without a weapon!” he pointed out as he shuffled left and right. The Hero couldn’t possibly hope to vanquish such a powerful foe, he was forced to obey the midget’s commands and so he set out to hopefully return properly equipped.
After retrieving a not-so legendary starting sword that only legends spoke of and a shield made from the finest tree-bark he prepared himself for his destiny. The Hero was able to pass his greatest foe, MiloOtis, with ease, he was finally ready. He met up with me, the great talking tree of story-telling and legends.
I told him of his own legend and what he was meant to do as he attempted to ignore me, or so the legend goes. I commanded him to hop inside my mouth, a test to see if he was truly worthy or not, even though legend already said that he was. I was flagrantly wasting his time, or so the legend goes.
The Hero fought through my digestive system filled with monsters and many block pushing puzzles. He hadn’t truly prepared himself for the labyrinthine hell-hole that was my lower colon but I knew he would triumph in the end; it was his legendary destiny after all.
The Hero soon emerged from my mouth victorious. He was covered in the blood of the slain legendary boss of ‘Too Toriel’, the legendary queen of insect monsters that lived inside my stomach for some reason.
He bore the many useful items that he had acquired within my bowels. Lining his unseen pockets of infinite convenience were several sticks and nuts that would no doubt carry him through his harrowing future journey.
The Hero had proven himself worthy of his preordained destiny. I bestowed upon him the green gem of legend that would do something very important but not at the moment.
Then I died, mostly because the Hero carved up my insides like a meth-addicted samurai attacking a house-fly but really, this was my ultimate destiny. For all trees must die, I knew, like the forest and nature, death is inescapable.
I passed gently into the night, violently coughing up sap as I did. The Hero finally left his elven village and made his way towards his legendary destiny, the royal castle of Highmule. I still narrated the fable though; my part in this story was not going to be stopped by a little thing like a violet death.
The Hero headed out into the vast open fields of his home, a castle in the distance guarding a small farm community and a giant active volcano within walking distance. He made his way to the draw-bridge and entered the town square, stopping to buy potions and sticks with his neighbor’s stolen cash, or so the legend continues to go.
One of the local unpaid farmer children told the Hero where the princess was. She pointed towards yonder castle of the great king destined to die but no one really had the heart to tell him.
The Hero knew where his destiny truly lied now. It was told in legends that the princess of Highmule possessed one of the many shiny rocks of story padding that he needed in order to fulfill his destiny of legend.
The Hero knew that the Princess would be in constant danger for as long as she was important. The evil Wizard Malevolen would no doubt kidnap her and send her off to his evil lair to hold her in one of his many puzzle dungeons.
The Hero would not allow that for he knew the princess could not defend herself, not without the legend’s help and more importantly the Hero’s.
He set off to nobly break into the royal highness’s guarded chambers, passing through many other obstacles along the way. He was caught by one of the guards and thrown out five steps outside the entrance gate. That minor inconvenience however did not stop the legendary Hero from seeing the princess.
He persisted again and again, days passing until finally he got the guard’s patrol patterns down and made his way into the royal courtyard.
At long last the legendary Hero was able to look upon the beautiful, the radiant, the hapless, the royal Princess GreShel…
…fatal error…fatal error…fatal error…fatal error…
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…And then the butch looking lesbian taught the Hero a song on his… 0111001011101010101000101010010101010100101001110I_want_out10010101110101let_me_go10000111010110101011001010110010101010110100110101
…The Hero was swallowed by a giant fish…
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…It rained outside the gates of the royal castle, the princess10100101ShelGre1010101princess 10100110Da10011010prin1011010100101100101010
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…The Hero magically went forward in time once he found the Legend sword…
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…The Hero ran into that cross-dressing ninja again…
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…He was once again called upon to save the Victim…
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…Guess I was right, I AM stubborn…
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…There was a castle made of grey bricks, it was on fire. Not burning down, not even really being damaged, it was just sort of on fire. It floated on a large slab of earth, trees and dirt taken for a ride as it rose from a lake of lava, the final battle was upon him.
The lone Hero stood just below as he watched with silent determination, for there was no other kind. He had worked so hard, acquired many useful tools and catchy tunes for his legendary instruments of legend.
He had endured quest after quest; talking rock people and sentient fish ladies telling him to prove his worth again and again. The time had finally come to end his story.
His pockets wore heavy with many multi-colored stones of dubious usefulness. One was green, representing forests and hope. One was red, representing fire and friendship. One was blue, representing water and something very important though he could not for the life of himself remember exactly what.
There were also about six others or so, each representing something great. He had acquired most of them and earned them through his intense ability to swing a sword and yell ‘yah’ really loud, just as the legends foretold.
“HEY!” the blue fairy above him spoke with the voice of a sentient broken megaphone pouring static and fire into someone’s ear. “MALEVOLEN’S CASTLE IS FLOATING!” it expressed vital information as the Hero looked on, nodding in silent agreement, it was indeed floating.
He gripped his sword and shield, staring up at the castle as it soared into the blood-red sky, fire shaped like lightning bolts scratching the background.
“HEY!” the fairy screamed for attention. “HE HAS THE PRINCESS!” it reiterated what the Hero already knew. “WE HAVE TO STOP HIM FROM HARNESSING HER POWER!”
“SHE HAS THE FINAL STONE; WE NEED HER TO FULFILL YOUR DESTINY!” “USE THE RAINBOW STONES YOU’VE ALREADY AQUIRED TO CREATE A MAGIC BRIDGE!” it stated.
“QUICKLY, WE HAVEN’T GOT MUCH TIME LEFT BEFORE THE WORLD IS DESTROYED!” the fairy said. A half a second passed. “HEY!” the fairy shrieked.
“QUICKLY, WE HAVEN’T GOT MUCH TIME LEFT BEFORE THE WORLD IS DESTROYED!” it reiterated. Another half-second passed. “HEY!” it was about to continue only to be interrupted shortly into its prepared instructions.
The Hero pulled from his unseen pockets of his green man-skirt the stones the fairy had so patiently requested of him. He counted them after he mused over their power. Red of Fire, Orange of Sand, Yellow of Light, Green of dead talking tree, Blue of dead giant talking fish, Indigo of Spooky Ghosts and Violet of Infinite Time.
The bridge formed before his eyes, creating a mobile escalator of magic into the castle’s front door. He stepped onto the foreboding rainbow and readied himself for the inevitable five hours of nefarious block puzzles he would soon endure.
He needed only two more stones to complete his set and fulfill his destiny. He needed the Black stone of Evil Power that the evil wizard Malevolen possessed. Finally he needed the White stone of Niceness and nonthreatening submission that princess GreGreGreGre… prin…
…fatal error… fatal error… fatal error… fatal error…
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...Puzzles, so many damn block pushing puzzles…
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…An important looking door…
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…Another important looking door…
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…A third important looking door…
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…The final battle was upon him, Malevolen was waiting and so was the beautiful and no doubt helpless…
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…I’m done with this stupid fucking story…
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…I know I can break the cycle…
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…And so the legendary Hero of legend defeated the evil wizard Malevolen and finally rescued the Princess 404:File_not_found.
He looked at her and smiled, grabbing her by the hip and striking a Heroic pose as the blood-red sky parted and the birds began to chirp their happy tunes once more. All the happy creatures of fables were finally free from the wizard’s tyrannical reign at last.
He gathered the final two stones as the Princess 404:File_not_found handed him the White stone. Her destiny was finally fulfilled as she completed her preordained chapter of this no doubt wonderful story.
“404:File_not_found” the royal Princess 404:File_not_found said, professing her undying love to the mute Hero, desiring him above all else. She admired everything about him, swooning at every action he took, willingly giving herself to him as a deserved, beautiful prize.
Alas, the Hero pushed her away because he knew they could never be together, not when ADVENTURE awaited him. He took the many colorful stones and let them magically float above his head. Time began to slow and then speed up, and soon reverse. No lessons were learned as the Hero forgot his entire quest and lost all of his equipment.
He sent himself back in time for some reason and gave up his magical instrument as well as the legendary Legend sword of legend, or so the legend goes. The magic blade returned to its hidden pedestal, waiting for the next Hero to wield it.
He wandered away, the world finally restored to its rightful balance, but never to see the beautiful Princess 404:File_not_found ever again. The Hero took comfort in the thought that she would always wait for him, saving herself for his greatness until one day he could maybe retire from ADVENTURE.
She would wait, alone, pining for the one man that destiny had chosen for her. She loved that man, she would always love him. After all, he was so important, and handsome, and brave, and handsome, and just great in every respect. How could she want anyone else? The Princess 404:File_not_found waited for his return, patiently; another fable of fantasy and ADVENTURE to come in an epic story yet to be told.
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…It grows dark, it always grows dark…
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