Divine
By: Shannon Fitzgerald
Prologue
I was once told that if you eat or drink something in the afterlife or as my people call it, the Otherworld, you will never be able to leave. I once thought that was pure myth, but who knew if we eat or drink or simply just live our lives in the world that we deem to be reality, we are actually trapping ourselves in the afterlife— trapping ourselves in a cycle—a cycle of despair. I didn’t realize there was more to the cycle of life than just despair. There is a cycle of peace after tragedy; after death. I didn’t realize this until I died of starvation—until I started my new life in the Otherworld, or what I like to call, the Divine.
I have heard that some people die of starvation because they were not given food when they were held prisoner in the war, others starved because they chose to, but me, like most of the people in my village, starved because we just didn’t have enough coins to buy a loaf of bread at the main town because of the war, apples from wild trees weren’t enough, or our fields perished from lack of clean water. Because of our enemies, who taunted our belief in the Goddess Danuvius, our rivers would be tainted with our loved ones fallen from the war. Everyone in my village suffered the most. Our village was at the heart of the rivers. Without food or clean water, people died. Just like me. The arrival story isn’t important, but I will you everything that lead to the beginning of it all.
I do not remember how it felt--- to die from hunger. I do remember when I realized that I was no longer in the land that I had once deemed to be the land of life. I realized it when I saw my body lying across from me, but I couldn’t reach it. I remember watching my body being buried and I remember afterwards how confused I was when my father and his father told me that I am no longer trapped in the afterlife---that I have been freed. I was confused on the matter until I saw what the Divine meant and what is destruction has caused.
I had to get used to seeing my siblings from the lenses of the real world. Seeing them eat their half rotten apples or stale bread; barely surviving. We were born in a town called Falias, where we were destined to face starvation all around us. I remembered how I use to wish that we were born in the town that was too far away to travel to. It is called Murias, a town with no starvation; a town full of food that could feed all of our town’s people empty stomachs. I even think about how my siblings have to suffer because they were born in a town that cannot feed them. My father had told me when I first arrived here that I should “not worry, Danu. They’ll be free when it is there time”. My grandfather had joined him to make me feel better. He addressed me with the nickname he had given me before he died in the war:
“láidir ar dhath óg, focus on this world, not the next. You are not as young as you were when I last saw you, and you will continue to grow. You are able to continue your life here as if you were back in that world, take advantage of that, Danu.” He had said to me.
He was right about me no longer being as young as I was when I last saw him. When I was only thirteen years old, I watched my father, grandfather, and all the other men in my village, who were deemed old enough to fight, leave the safety of their village and walk the dirt path to where the war was. I could see my mother, who was pregnant with the twins at the time, say her goodbyes to whom she loved. I saw little three year old Sionan say goodbye to her father with an embrace. Then, I saw all the men leave their village from a distance. I could not bear to see their faces as they left their loved ones or the pain in my mother’s eyes as father walked away. At the time I never knew that I would see my father and grandfather again three years later. I surely did not know I would see them again through death. He was right about me no longer being as young as I was, but being able to continue my life here, I did not believe that. However, later that day, I decided to look into the river that I had stayed at since I arrived. When I looked down, I saw my reflection. Last time I saw my reflection in the river near our cottage, I saw darkness under my eyes, I was shaking, my dark brown hair was ratted, and I was so thin. But when I saw my reflection that day my grandfather told me that I had a chance to continue to live my life, there was no darkness under my eyes, my hair was neat and clean, and I looked strong and healthy. I did not look like I was dying.
After my arrival to the Divine, I couldn’t help to notice the difference in our worlds. In that world, everything was much clearer, so much more… what’s the word? Peaceful. There seemed to be no war or hunger, just the rivers that flow, the rivers like my name. I could feel the breeze of the wind. I could watch the seasons pass over and over, but there was no heat or freezing nights. Time appeaed to flow differently there. I noticed two seasons in less than a month of me arriving to that world. I still find it strange how this world is right next to the world I use to be in. They are so different, but the Otherworld acted as a mirror to this one, as my father had once put it. We could see this world, but you could not see us. He had also told me that we had castles and cottages, rivers and forests, but we couldn’t suffer from the climates or from war started by the leaders of kingdoms. We couldn’t starve to death or be overwhelmed with sickness. He told me that “we could see their world as if it is ours, but we know theirs is the afterlife, because they are the ones suffering.”
That is all I can remember about arriving to the Divine after my death. Don’t worry, mother, I’m getting to the important information concerning how it all happened and how I am able to tell you this. The horrors and mystery of it all will be told, but first I must tell you the beauty of the blissfulness I discovered before it was all ruined by our failed efforts and by the betrayals of the ones we trusted. I remember it all as if it just happened. And I will tell you all of it as such.
Chapter i
I often sit by the rivers that are close to where the rivers are in my village in the other world. I know there is more to this world, like my father had told me, but I choose to stay by the rivers. Across from the view of the rivers, I usually see my younger siblings bring bruised apples home to eat from the forest near our village. I see the people of my village try their best to survive. I see the older women go to the forest in hopes of finding wild herbs and the young women trying to care for their children. I see my mother trying to keep my siblings fed and their clothes from not tearing apart from running in the forests. When my siblings go about the village, I see them and the other children running around the cottages, kicking at the lightly green and mostly brown grass as they run, and then quickly getting exhausted. Once night slowly arrives, I see everyone head back to their white stone homes with curved brown stone roofs covered with hay for looks. I see them open their wooden doors with black metal handles and stare out of their windows that are held together by black metal on the outside. The imagery of our village’s homes has been burned into my mind. Everything feels the same, except there I was in pain. Here, I feel no pain. I find it quite funny that I thought that this is what the afterlife must be like before I starved. It’s even funnier that after I died, I realized that I was in the afterlife all along. I wondered if the people, who are still alive, know about this world. I would often write this thought down in the dirt with my fingers. I didn’t think I would know this until one, if not all of my siblings, died, but then one day I came back to the exact spot where I would write my questions in the dirt and watch the river in the other world. That time, there was an answer. There was an answer and a question. The message must have been from my sister Sionan, but how? There is no way to reach her since she is in the other world. That’s what father had told me, but who else would write “Danu? I see your message” near the river closest to the forest near my family’s cottage in the afterlife and near where I wrote my messages in the world that I reside in now.
Chapter ii
Ever since that day, when I saw a message written to me in the dirt from the afterlife, I have been trying to find a way to talk to my family. For weeks, but what seems like days, I have been walking along the river bank to see if there is any way I could cross the barriers, even for a second. I just want to tell them how they will be able to live if they come here. They’ll be able to be free of the starvation and war, but I have not found a way to send a message to them yet. I can’t believe that I have already been here for a month, almost two. That means I must have been dead for more than a month.
I have tried writing in the dirt in this world again, but that hasn’t work. I have tried to just simply walk through the barriers, but that has not worked either. Like my father had once told me, they do seem to be reflections, except everything here just feels and appears so much better. It appears that the only way here is to die in that world. After trying for days, I have finally given up. It seems like this world agrees with my loss of hope, because I see smoke in the distance as the sun begins to lower.
As I come closer to where the smoke is coming from, I hear singing, laughter, and people talking. I look up to see myself at a castle. The stones are gray, there is moss covering it, and it taller than the trees that surround it. Our village is in the distance of our king’s castle, so this is not the first time I have seen a castle, but it is the first time I have seen one up close. It looks so much bigger and beautiful. I walk through the entry way to see my father and grandfather surrounded by people that I have not met yet. I have only walked around long enough in this world to see the rivers near the barrier of my old home. I haven’t stopped to think that there are other people here. I knew that this place was not surrounded by war because of what my father had told me and because how peaceful it looks but also because of the fact that I haven’t really seen anyone but my father and grandfather. Now that I ponder about the suffering that has been happening in my village for years, I am sure there must be many people from my village here. The sun has almost set; the sky is filled with streaks of pink and orange, shining brightly, but growing dark. I slowly walk along the path made out of gray stones, just like the castle. There’s enough light to see that I am now in a garden. Rose bushes, lilies, sage, thyme, and a variety of herbs grow on both sides of the stone path that leads me closer to the noise ahead. Thyme surrounds a small river that flows through the garden. The water even flows to my path, but a small stone bridge leads me across it. The path ends. At this moment, eyes meet mine, all familiar but one pair.
“There she is! Me and your grand pa were just saying how we think it’s time for you see what’s in this world! Do you remember Eithne?” said father, who is now motioning for a girl, who looked about my age and height to come talk to us.
The girl is wearing a gown that a noble woman would wear. I look around to see that everyone is dressed as if they are royalty, including my father and grandfather. As I look around me, I see familiar faces. All the faces are ones from my village, all but one. I do not recognize who he is. I recognize most of the men from our village that had left for the war. I see some children from our village, who were friends with my brothers and sisters. I even recognize some women from our village, who had starved or gone to the neighboring lands to find work to feed their children. Some of their children appear to be here with their mothers. All of them seem familiar and look as if they remember me; remember the child who had played among the rivers before they were tainted and the young girl who did anything to keep her family alive after her father had been sent to war. They smile at me as I look upon them all. I even recognize the girl who has a pale complexion, big brown eyes, and fiery short red hair, and who is starting to walk towards me. All of them seem familiar, but the pale face, light brown hair, and light blue eyes of the man looking at me, I do not recognize. He looks only a few years older than me, but he is not from my village like the others. The girl with the hair color of fire and eyes of the color of tree bark is now almost beside me. I assume she is Eithne, and somehow, I feel like I not only know her, but feel as if she was once close to me.
As Eithne gets closer to us, father answers my thoughts by saying:
“She looks different without a bear clawing her.”
The memories suddenly come back to me. I not only do I know this girl, but she is from my village and was my friend before she had died.
“From the expression on your face, I can see that you know who I am” she says to me as she smiles.
“I have always wondered what had happened to you after the bear… well, you know” I said with surprise, but regret. I did not want to bring up such a harsh memory to her and my cruel reaction I had towards what she had done and how she was punished for it.
“Our goddess was merciful enough to send me here after such a horrific death.” She says to me, still smiling a genuine smile.
Before I could say anything back, she said to me:
“Come; let’s get you out of those clothes and into something to go along with tonight’s celebration. Besides, I know you have burning questions. I promise to answer them as we find you a gown.” She put her arm out for me to follow her as she walked into the garden that I had come from only moments ago.
She walks over the little stone bridge, and passes the garden of flowers and herbs that still catch my eye, but my attention now goes towards her gown. It flows behind her with such grace; something I have not seen before. Her gown is a violet color, it’s so beautiful. It matches the color of lavender in the garden.
“Do not worry from lack of choice; we always have plenty of gowns for occasions like these. We always like to enjoy balls here. It helps us feel as close as we all have before our village was effected by the war” she says to me with such an angelic yet mature voice as she opens a wooden door with black steel symbols on it. It looks like the doors that we have for our cottages in our old village. How could I have not notice this door when I entered the garden? It is right near it. The garden must have taken my attention away from an entry into the castle, but I still wonder how I did not notice a stone pathway leading to a door to the castle. The pathway would have been on my right when I entered the garden. I guess I just did not look that way… My thoughts are interrupted by what is inside the castle.
Through the door we walk into main room that has large stone stairs leading to two different path ways and candles surrounding the stairway to give the pathways light. On the wall, in the middle of where the two pathways are formed on the top of the stone stairway, is a picture of our Goddess, Danuvius. To the right of me is a room filled chairs that are made from some fragment of a dark yellow color and are accompanied by red fabric for people to sit on. There is a giant table in the middle of all the chairs; it is also made from a dark yellow fragment. There are also candles on the table to give the light that the opened glass windows cannot do at night. This must be where everyone eats. Across from the table is a large stone fire place. To the left of me is wooden doors, and one of the largest sets of doors I have seen. As Eithne and I get closer to the stairway, I see that the door is slightly opened. The room appears to be filled with food; just gently placed on some wooden tables; waiting to be served. That must be where the kitchen is. Eithne leads me up the stairs and guides me to the pathway to the right. I cannot help to stare at the picture of our Goddess; her dark blue eyes are staring at me with kindness. Her brown hair is in tangled locks that flow around her body, which appears to be covered with clothes that seem to be made from nature. She is surrounded by many animals, one of them being a bear. The scenery in the back is of rivers, flowing like her hair.
After walking down a hallway that has candles placed on its walls and passing an entry way to another flight of stairs, Eithne stops in front of room, which has large wooden doors, just like the room below. The doors have already been open; they show what beauty is in the room. I have never seen a room like this before, is all that my mind can form as a reaction to what I now see. The bed in the room is one of the biggest beds I have ever seen. The picture of our Goddess, which looks to be the same picture as the one down stairs, is only a little bit smaller than the bed and it is right above it, having the Goddess look upon anyone who sleeps below her. The fabric of the bed’s blanket appears to be the same dark yellow color that I saw downstairs; except, the fabric of the blanket does not appear to be just like it, more of an imitation of the color. An image of a village with rivers and forests surrounding it, and a stone castle in the distance of the village appear to have been sewn onto the bed’s blanket. It reminds me of home. Eithne motions me towards a large mirror that is surrounded by a dark yellow framing, a size and appearance of a mirror I have never seen before. But what catches my eyes are the books that are placed on the wall behind the mirror and around the picture of our Goddess, Danuvius. They are placed on wooden shelves. They look like the shelves that my father had made for our family to place our baskets, wooden plates, and herbs in our home, but wider and taller. Eithne waits for me to take it all in, then she walks over to a dark yellow chair that has dresses and a few suits on it.
“This is where everyone chose a dress or suit. There are still many left. Feel free to choose one to your liking.” Eithne says to me as I look around the room with amazement.
“Eithne, I do not think I have seen this dark yellow color before. Why is there so much of it in the castle?” I say as Eithne looks at me confused. To take away the confusion of what I mean, I point to the mirror, chair, and bed.
“Oh! You mean the gold. No, you would not have seen gold before. Gold did not exist in our village. In fact, when I arrived here, I had the same question. The only person here who knew what it was is the man you were staring at in the court yard.” She says to me smiling.
“The man with the light blue eyes? Who is he?”
“Yes, that one. I would like to tell you, but that’s his story to tell. Not mine. Besides, I prefer to tell stories of the past. Some involved the history of our people, and of our Gods and Goddesses, which was taught to us when we were so young. And some concerned the bears that killed those who threatened those who threaten them. I’m sure you know that story well.”
She was right; I do know that story well. I was not told that story as a child unlike how Eithne and I were told our history. Instead, at the age of ten, I witnessed that story. It was the story of Eithne’s death. She was ten when her father volunteered to fight in the war that had just begun. She ran into the woods; mad at the world. I remember seeing her picking up stones around her and throwing them against the trees and at any creatures that walked by. One of them happened to be a baby bear, the mother bear got to her before I or anyone from the village could. When they reached her, she was already gone.
“Now, now Danu. That’s enough thinking. I can tell you suddenly went back to that day by the distant look on your face. Pick your dress and lest live in the now.”
I look at the dresses that I have to pick. I stare at the giant flowing dark green grass. It reminds me of the trees and the once fresh grass that I use to play on as a child in my village.
“I prefer to live in the now and the then”, I say to Eithne as I grab the green dress.
Chapter iii
Eithne opens the door to the garden. I left my dress to show the black cloth under it and try to pace myself as the fabric escapes my grasps and brushes against my bare feet. I hear the others talking as we walk across the little bridge. When we see everyone once again, they smile at us, but then go back to their jokes and small talk. Eithne tries to talk to me, but I can’t help to stand still and look above me. The sun has gone down completely, but I can see, well, barely see birds resting near the top of the castle. I remember when Sionan was at the age of five, we would chase and watch the birds together and tell each other how we imagine what flying would be like. The birds take off and fly towards us. I cannot help but to wonder… what would it be like to fly? As the birds get right above me, I can tell they are crows. I was told that crows are a warning of death. Suddenly, singing and hand clapping can be heard.
Eithne grabs my hand and starts to twirl me around.
“Listen!” She says to me “their singing our village’s song.
As Eithne slowly spins me around, I see everyone take the person next to them and glide around as if they are a part of the rivers we use to drink from. Then, I hear our song.
“Glide like the river, a gift from above. Glide like the trees, when the wind blows. Dance with me brothers, dance to our song. Come with me brothers, sing our tale. Sing our tale of the river’s song. Glide like the breeze that guides us home. Glide like the birds, who fly with our tone. Glide like the river, the river where our souls roam.”
They sing the song at first slowly, but just as I remember how it went during our celebrations before our rivers were ruined, the pace picks up. Everyone starts to spin and twist their feet as they glide to one side to another faster and faster. Then each person dances into the hands of another near them. Eithne spins me into the arms of the young man I do not know. Everyone jumps around to their own singing, those watching claps their hands to the beat. I stare into the eyes and then at the scar on his right cheek… I know who this is! He tilts me and only holds on to one of arms as the other dangles and then moves with the wind as he quickly spins me. My toes lift then I swing one of my legs around me; the singing and my wish to allow my body to follow the sound of the singing clouds my thoughts. It does not matter who he is anyway I think. Do titles even matter here? I thought princes do not exist here? With that question, I turn to face him, but he take my hand and spins me to the person next to me. The singing beat increases and the clapping heard takes a pace to go along with everyone singing.
“Glide like the birds, who fly with our tone!” Fills my ears as my new partner spins me. I watch my hair take flight and my now free arm move with spin body. Is this what it truly feels like to take flight? I hold on to this feeling until I am spin into who I assume is supposed to my next partner, but Eithne takes her hands since she was on the other side of her. As she takes my dancing friend away, I stand and look around me. It’s been so long since I have been able to enjoy something like this, but… for some reason, I want to see my village again, where we used to sign and dance like this. It’s too dark to look at the mirror image of my old village… “But if I go up to the top of the castle, maybe I can see it,” I say to myself. I pick up my dress and try to pass by those who are dancing and clapping. I accidently run into a few people moving around me, but I manage to slide pass them somehow. I pick up my dress more to where my knees are showing and run into the garden. I feel the cold grass and then cold stone capture the nerves in my feet. I open the wooden door and then run up the stone steps. I arrive to the hallway that I was at what seems to be moments ago but must have been at least an hour ago. Time makes no sense to me anymore. It just does not seem real.
Is this how life is supposed to be? Timeless? I search for a door to steps to that could possibly lead to the top of the castle as I wonder the seasons and even time of light has changed so much in so little time since I have been here. I open each door in the hallway to find more rooms similar to the one I was in before. I turn to the right to see a wooden door like the one in the garden. I grab a candle and its holder on the wall and pull on the black stain handle. Stairs. I found the stairs! I ignore the dark that surrounds my candle light and run up the stairs to see where they will lead me. I cannot help to smile. This is what I have always wanted to do when I first notice the castle in the distance of my village before my death. I wanted to know what an adventure would feel like amongst these walls. I run faster with that memory, not caring about the sound of a dress ripping from the sudden touch of my feet. I hold the candle light further away from my face and see another wooden door as a result of this. Once I finally get to it, I pull on the black stain latch. The wind blows out the light and the dark consumes me. Is this what the crows saw before? I walk out of the stair way to see that I made it to the top of the castle. Below I hear faint laughing down below. The wind drowns out most of what I heard before. I walk over to the edge and lean my head and arms on stone ledge. I look down to see everyone walking, standing, or dancing. I hold up the candle stick and toss it over the edge to see if anyone will notice or how long it will take for it to meet the ground. In seconds, it disappears from my eye sight. It would be frightening to fall at this height. Did the crows have fear when they separated from this same ledge or do they know they can fly? The wind picks up as I look down to where everyone is. I see a slight purple smudge run towards where I assume the garden is. I turn to my left to see fields in the distance, but they are mirrored by an image of two different fields. This is what the barrier from life and death must look like from here. I walk towards the view of where the fields are and lift myself on the edge as the wind take my hair into the air. I look to see my village in faint distance. I lift my arms up and bend them to match a way a bird’s wings move before they fly. I then dip my right leg off the edge as the wind swings it to its howl. “If only… If only I could tell Sionan that this is what it feels like to fly,” I say to myself.
“What are you doing?” Eithne says to me as she grabs me and pulls me away from the edge.
“What…”
“What do you mean what? You can die if you fall from there! Danu, you can die here.”
“What… How? Are we not just souls…?”
“Is that what you figured from your time being here? No, we are not souls exactly. When we die from that other world, we are brought here in the same body and mindset as the person who died. Yes, we have souls, but here, we are still combined with our past body. Why did you think you were brought here in your past clothes or why you were put by the river instead of by the reflection of the village or castle? It is as if we are taken right out of that world and then placed here. The reason why it is this way is because here were able to have another chance to live. Just like in that world, if we die here, we will not return to our old bodies like how we can here. This is our only second chance. I know this does not make much sense, trust me, I did not believe it either when I found out, but you will get use to the ways of this world in time. I did.”