Elizabethportrait E.B. Reign · Author · added over 2 years ago

Hello! I have read all of your chapters (three thus far) and I am very intrigued. :) The world you are slowly showing us has me interested to learn more, and some of language is wonderful! I particularly enjoyed: "The pain in her chest subsided, and the tiredness gave way to power."


Some things to consider. You are very descriptive, but when in fast paced scenes, sometimes less is more when conveying action. Also, as a fantasy reader we are taking pieces you give us to construct the world you’ve thrown us in. And perhaps it’s just me, but some of the bits thus far do not fit with one another... Examples-


"The guards by the bridge house yelled. The bells tolled, the wood creaked, and the metal chains groaned. Slowly, the bridge began to lift. The savage dashed through the crowd, pounding the streets with his bleeding feet. He pushed through the gatekeepers and sprang up the wooden stairs, trudging over two or three steps at a time. At the top of the city walls, the guards were pulling at the largest iron wheel Rayla had ever seen lifting the bridge inch by inch. The savage hesitated. Then, he jumped onto the moving deck trying to keep his balance." This excerpt has me picturing a slightly advanced medieval era, which is very befitting to what I know of this universe and the religious aesthetic. But then...


"The newcomer lumbered across the room shuffling his feet, his steps slow and persistent like a tooth surgeon’s drill." A drill does not fit into this setting that I have in mind, nothing electric does when we have very religious magic system in play. And this is the only instance of something like this being referenced. If this world does have more machinery, perhaps we could have other hints of it as well?


"A polar bear fur cape rested on his shoulders, revealing an embossed, bone-clad armour plate, with a symbol of lightning, level with his he. . .”  A polar bear is a specific reference to our world. I know this is descriptive, but bringing in parallels can muddy the identity of the fantasy world. Like is this an alternate universe? Do other animals exist from our world in this one? And so on.


These might seem like nitpicks, but putting in the consistency in every minute detail of your fantasy is what separates it from all the others! There are some general editing things that could be tuned up, like the italics and word repetition. But none of it was beyond distracting by any means, as I was engrossed in the story the whole read through!


Best of luck in writing, and I hope you update soon! :)