"Listen to your spiritual Alarms!"

~ Pastor Devon Franklin

2010...

One afternoon I stood in my kitchen washing dishes when out of nowhere I came up with the idiotic notion that if I mentally reiterated some of the arguments or crazy issues that I had gone through that I can argue my point and make the situation more palatable for me. Maybe I can find something that would validate my point of view. Not realizing how foolish it was, I willingly agreed to attempt to reason with the dark memories and thoughts cascading through my mind. Disclaimer: I DO NOT recommend that you try this at home! Bad idea... just say no and go pray or meditate please. Now back to my failed attempt at what I miraculously believed would be therapy ... I decided to go into that dark place curious to know if I had the power to change things for myself. I had no idea how dangerous this decision would be or how difficult it would be to break free from it on my own. Almost Instantly, I found myself having a full blown conversation with a memory in my head! The ghosts of my past would pop up and stay for a while and I laid out the welcome mat day in and day out not realizing how deep of an abyss I had dug myself into "You were never a true friend to me..." the voice in my head would yell out as I thought back to the moment a three page text came through that ended a five year friendship with my god daughter’s mother. “What?! you can’t be serious right now!" another, more sensible yet snotty voice would snap back "The other day you were willing to let me hold your truck for a week and today you’re telling me I’ve never been a friend to you?! Wow!" See that’s what I would have texted back...had I responded to her. When the situation actually happened I read through the text a few times then sought the advice of a friend who told me not to respond. I took my friends advice and left it alone. I haven’t spoken to her since but in my mind we’ve had several conversations each time I’m explaining myself in some weird long winded fashion complete with neck popping and shut em down comebacks. You know, the type to get the crowd to say "oooh!" "What are you doing?! Are you serious right now! Stop!" Another, resounding voice would chime in silencing the two dueling banshees evading my thoughts the visions fade away, and I snap back to my reality. "You’re better than that, why are you talking to yourself? Let’s think about the business you want to build." The voice would say, coaxing me out of my daydream. It worked for a little while, but as time went on the conversations increased and I soon found myself stuck in a perpetual state of memory overload at times. Present, but not fully present...