The Five Stages of Being an Asshole

Denial: I am not an asshole.

Anger: Fuck you, you asshole!

Bargaining: I can prove I’m not an asshole!

Depression: How could I be such an asshole?

Acceptance: I guess I really am an asshole.

Everyone is an Asshole

Before we embark on this whimsical adventure there is one fine fact that must be established: everyone is an asshole. Be it the elderly, the young, the healthy, the sick, the rich, the poor, the weak or the strong persons of every creed, color, race, size, shape and gender- they are all assholes in some way. Even animals can be assholes. There is no cure for being an asshole, nor is there a way to avoid this dreadful disease of stupidity, degeneracy and ignorance. As you hold this book in your hands you may be thinking, “Not me, I’m a great person. I’m not an asshole and I never will be.” We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but you’re wrong…

Make no mistake about it-you sir (or madam) are an asshole.

What Constitutes an Asshole?

Let’s be honest, assholes are everywhere. But what makes a person an asshole? Some would blame society, but they’re assholes. In a nutshell, an asshole is anyone who has wronged someone or something in one way or another. Anyone who has caused a scene in a public place, been angry for both known and unknown reasons, laughed at someone elses expense, disobeyed any law, taken credit for something good that they did not do, refused to take blame for something bad that THEY did, forgotten something of importance (at home or in general), done something hypocritical, blamed someone or something else for their actions, lied, stolen, cheated, bargained, overreacted, under-reacted, interrupted, inconvenienced, and has given a poor tip (or none at all) to a service employee is without a doubt, an asshole.

Are Assholes Born or Are Assholes Made?

The most argued topic of all living things is “Nature Versus Nurture” and the same can be said about assholes. Nature Versus Nurture is the argument over whether a being is the way it is due to the living conditions and life experiences or if it has always been that way from birth. While assholes become worse and even become different kinds of assholes gradually over time, they first become assholes from the moment they are brought into the world. Inconvenient Assholes, specifically.

“That’s not possible, babies are pure and innocent!” you might say. “My father’s the one who didn’t use protection,” you could argue. You COULD argue, but by doing so (and DENYING the truth) you have successfully began Stage One of The Five Stages of Being an Asshole.

Think about it, asshole. You inconvenience your parents upon conception, forcing them to buy a pregnancy test. Upon the discovery that they are indeed pregnant and deciding that you will indeed be born, they begin scheduling unnecessary doctor’s appointments-spending precious time and precious money they will not get back to find out your sex – which will not be revealed until you are born anyway (sometimes resulting in them buying the wrong everything because you weren’t the sex they were informed you would be). For the next nine months you slowly but surely inconvenience your mother by growing inside of her, stealing her nutrients and causing her to gain massive amounts of weight-subjecting her to some form of humiliation (especially if your mother is in her teens). When the big day arrives you bring unimaginable amounts of pain to your mother (and sometimes kill her) as you rip her vagina open. And it isn’t quick either. You take several hours to come out. In the process you also inconvenience your father by preventing future sexual intercourse, creating financial burden (because your mother can’t exactly work with another human being inside of her and the baggage that comes with it), lack of sleep, stress and of course, a whopping portion of trauma. This trauma is multiplied if your father is in the emergency room watching your deliverance. Fathers may be willing or reluctant to cut your umbilical cord after your birth for the same reason-they already feel like killing you.

Congratulations, you’re an asshole.

Am I Really an Asshole?

You may be wondering how you could possibly be an asshole. Rest assured, asshole, all of your questions will be answered by the time you finish this book. These pages contain the many different types of assholes that you encounter every day of your life. Each chapter carefully and concisely breaks down the types, traits, natural habitats and what kinds of people are most likely associated with their specific asshole. How do we know our assholes so well? Because we (the authors) are also assholes. After seemingly countless years of interacting with assholes on a daily basis, the authors of this book realized their inevitable destinies and began classifying each asshole they laid eyes on-including each other. Some asshole would call this “research,” but the more appropriate term would be “living.” Where were they living? In Brooklyn, New York - otherwise known as “Asshole City, U.S.A.” Having said that, enough about the authors and the educational purposes of this book, it’s time we start describing some assholes.

Next Chapter: The Cynical Asshole