ALONE

     Craig Caudill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sadly I write in my quiet room, alone as I have always been, alone as I will always be.

-Fernando Pessoa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gut Feelings

 

Sitting on the Toilet, Lloyd's Asshole was bleeding. Not profusely but enough to make him conjure notions of diseases which would kill him, and when that happens then that was fine by him, and why not?

Being someone who spends a lot of time in the bathroom there was old clock radio on a shelf to keep him company. It didn't matter what was on as long as someone was talking then it got him through another night like this one. And there had been many.

It was no mystery to Lloyd. He knew for a fact that he had cancer for some time now. At least he had hoped to be the case. He had prayed and willed himself to be sick.

He didn't need a doctor to tell him anything but it had all made since to him that this was the case. Life is a Cancer or better yet a slice apple pie were the crust eats itself until there is no apple filling. Just pie crust greedily trying to eat what is left.

Although pie it is a bad metaphor about life but sometimes Lloyd wondered where did all the pie go? And did anyone save him a slice? Judging from his own life it looks like no one had. All the pie was gone and he was the pie crust wielding a fork.

God dammit I gotta atop thinking this way he thought to himself. And yet in Lloyds mind it didn't matter much really anymore. He knew before going to the Doctors office that they would convince him otherwise. “Get some fresh get some exercise and stop smoking, and while we are at cut back on the alcohol.” Lloyd laughed to himself as he lit his seventh cigarette that morning. He tried to cut back but the blue smoke can be so mesmerizing and let's not forget the flavor, and he was shocked it caused cancer

  His doctor whose name escapes him at the moment for some reason is young pip squeak that says things like “Garsh, Wow, Golly, Cheese and Crackers!” perhaps he raised on butter scotch drops and the funnies on Sunday speaks in Mayberry dialects. Although made him softer then most doctors. But it didn't make him a better one.

Be that as it may. Lloyd had to hear his death sentence  from little Opies mouth. Maybe news would be different maybe this would be the day the ball drops and that would be it. no more living in a neighborhood that didn't want him there. no more messy TV which everything will be digital and wouldn't afford it so he had to die soon. And no more bad radio all that's left is politics and Emo which he was ashamed of himself for ever heard of such a thing.

Lloyd wondered if Opie knew anything about death or even seen a dead body before? There supposed to make you look at dead bodies in medical school but he doubt if this greenhorn ever seen road kill in his life?

Do they really let kids like that graduate? Even thought.

Lloyd leaved his rickety house which he hasn't cleaned in ages. Which explains the notices on his windows and his car. They usually threats of house eviction despite the fact he owned lock stock and barrel. It was local politics of getting rid of blighted homes that eventually draw in criminal elements. Lloyd hasn't committed an actual crime.

Being disorderly is different, then selling drugs or offering blow jobs in front of his own house. Even if he wanted to he knew people would laugh if an old man mostly dressed in a bathrobe and slippers looking for a date. With pock marks wrinkles and comb over isn't a good sell. Lloyd stopped being interesting a long time ago. Mostly he lived in the house that people pointed at as they drove by. Some shook their fists some threw cans of beer but mostly he was ignored until the city wanted to buy his house.

He said no every time. Where would he go?

Every so often people would scream at his house to take the money and leave. Even his lawyer Barry Simmons who defended his right to stay even made a plea.

“The money is great for a guy your age, you have more then enough to buy a condo go on a cruise move to Florida go cross country in a RV. Give you a chance to see the world...”

But Lloyd said no if you could believe it.

“I've seen the world I don't like what's in it, you name the place and I've been there and it's all the same to me. This is my home I'm safe and nothing can get you when you're at home. Just lie on the couch and fall asleep watching black and white Westerns.

On his way to the doctor Lloyd drove on sixth and main to pick up a paper to pass the time away among screaming children with ear aches and horrible hospital smells.  The paper proved to be invaluable.

That kid he thought to himself. On his last appointment    he really resembled Waldo from the Where's Waldo Series. His the glasses and stripped shirt underneath his doctors coat on some level made Lloyd want to open a window and scream into the parking lot

“I found him he's in here, did you hear me Waldo is in here!” and at some level and he doubted he could take this kid seriously if he had too. But he was there and he had no choice.

“Okay Good Morning Mr Elroy how are you?” he asked

“Not so good doc. Not so Good.”

“I see, well I hate to be the bringer of bad new but there's nothing wrong with you.” Doctor Williams tried to say before Lloyd cut him off.

“Save your breath kid I'm know I'm dead” he said acting tough.

“Stop being overly dramatic you only have just a basic case Hemorrhoids which is only natural” The kid looked so sure and stupid in his eyes. He wanted to smack him for being so confident.

'Hemorrhoids huh?”  Lloyd repeated.

“Yeah all you need is some tucks maybe some cream. It's no big deal honestly.” Dr. Williams crossed his heart and then gave scouts honor.

“You sure its not cancer?”

Dr Williams laughed. “I'm positive, Lloyd, Your tests are pretty conclusive. You've already been through three second opinions and there's nothing wrong with you.”

“Hmmmm” Lloyd said, not wanting to argue.

“Look I'm serious Lloyd there's nothing wrong with you. If you just take better care of yourself a little better, eat right get some exercise. Drink less you wouldn't be in here complaining of cancer.”

“Who's complaining?”

Dr. Williams began what would be a lecture something about depression and yet everything that came out his mouth was continuous murmurs of Blah, Blah Blahs which Lloyd didn't really care for. Dr Williams could yodel though his prognosis if he wanted. It just wouldn't make it any more interesting for him.  Lloyd kindly just nodded his head in agreement. He even accepted the piece of paper which more than likely was a prescription for paxil or Zoloft either of which her never taken.  Relieved that his visit is over but felt that it was non productive. Lloyd said good bye shake Dr. Williams hand and walked out the office crumbling up the prescription in his hand like many times before.

Lloyd knew he had cancer. He could feel it eating away at his insides. Plotting a slow rot just as the sunshine and leaves swayed in the breeze gently. The beauty of It could not save him.  When people saw him drive none descript car they saw a dead man. Perhaps turning sixty was miles stone but deep down that's as far as he could go. All the creams and tucks pads in the world could sooth this pain. This was different then actual sickness.

When he finally got home and into the living he took notice of the mess somehow it was as if a bell went off in his head. With the beer cans, shards of glass, week old TV dinner boxes strewn around an already over flown garbage can and refried beans, hot tamale peels and peaches lots and lots of peaches.

Somehow eating peaches was the only thing about him that was remotely holistic if you can count caned peaches as part of a nutritional and organic holistic lifestyle. But judging by the fact he left his TV on and forgot about it, says he lived his life in otherworldly states.

“Man I got to clean all this shit up” it was like an epiphany for him but quickly led to another one but more realistic and practical epiphany that begged the question. Who is going to care anyway? Am I being interview by Better Homes and Garden?

These were good question and they indicated No for an answer. He didn't have to answer to anybody except for his throbbing hemorrhoids “Why?” he said to himself as he lit a cigarette in the kitchen. He had every chance to be an Asshole father like everybody else. He was sure he wouldn't disappoint in that department because it was somehow a Rite of passage to disappoint your nearest and dearest. This is why people cheat or abuse or leave you. It's a Rite of passage

Now having said this Lloyd enjoyed being alone. He loved the Dinners the splurging on lobster or crab legs. No fights over TV shows. Whatever he wanted there were no ifs and or buts about it. what he said goes,  and that's the way he liked it.

Lloyd had no children at least none that lived. As far as he knew he had no living heirs to speak of. For all he knew is that was sterile or he went on Manopause early. Either way it worked out nicely for him.

There were times somebody would try to figure him out or try be his friend. Mostly Local church groups that came to his door.  Even a neighbor would come by to his door and invite him to a grill out or play some card games with the boys. But Lloyd would politely turn them all down. He hated card games. He hated sports and hated anything that would inspire any joviality of any kind he thought to himself as he went back out the front door.

It was a beautiful morning which he appreciated.  The air was crisp and fragrant. The sun hadn't come up yet. And he was alone standing in his yard. And it was moments like these that remind him why he liked being alone so much in the first place.

Because he felt that if were not alone he would be able to even enjoy this moment. Not truly and not by his own feelings or suggestion of how he felt.

He didn't have to brush his teeth he could watch porn all weekend and jack off. Which he would do on occasions but not as often as he used too. Somehow the need to be with people had lessened even that urge. Perhaps it's true what they say

“You lose it if you don't use it.”

Letting go of people somehow became its own reason for being responsible for his own sexual needs. Its not that he forgot, Lloyd just didn't care anymore. After all he was convinced that he was going to die.

Lloyd stood on his unkempt lawn. Gently he moves his penis out from inside of his bathrobe that he had been wearing for days, and began pissing. With the other hand he waved gently as cars drove by home

“Hello!” he said softly while waving with one hand. “Good morning everyone, nice weather we're having.”

2

On many occasions Lloyd would sneakily venture outdoors around two or three in the morning, which is a great for when one does want to be seen by judgmental people. On the other hand it was good for Lloyd because He got his exercise this way because he could explore at will and usually he was always mindful not to break anything when venturing into other peoples yards. To be more discreet sometimes he would be armed with doggie treats or even raw hamburger to occupy his friends.

If his fellow neighbors knew anything about him they would look over the messy yard and the  four foot high grass, the trash or broken auto parts laying about her and there. He would assume that it was everything and most importantly it was himself they hated most of all. But Lloyd didn't mind this. After all he could be a pain in the ass when and if he wanted too. He wasn't innocent of anything.

Unfortunately during these Yard odysseys while drinking you would find he would  knocking over garbage cans peeing on expensive parked cars and on occasions wandered into peoples yards and sometimes would be sleeping on their lawn furniture in the vicarious poses.

You could not say Lloyd was into loving children but in a world of internet predators and strangers in black cars you could not be too safe. He was hardly anything like that Lloyd did his dividing line. But a drunken dirty old man is still a drunken dirty old. In the eyes of parents they could be creeping everywhere.  Lloyd's problems are that he fit the description but the problem every time the police go to his house he always had an alibi. Yes he sleeps on furniture yes he's pees in your yard randomly. But his neighbors would love to catch him doing something to rid themselves of him for good. But Children?  That was not Lloyd's special taste.

3

At four in the morning Briggs and Gentry were on patrol and was eventually alerted by dispatch of a vagrant trespassing on the Grangers property. For the both of them It had been a long and dull night without so much as a peep, which is what one would expect from a upper scale suburban neighborhood. Gentry himself was prepared to go home sleep but when the call came in he was glad this night wasn't going to be wasted.

Thank god for vagrants he thought. Otherwise he wouldn't have anything to do anymore on a Friday night.

His partner officer Briggs was never used patrolling in such  nice neighborhoods like Andros a district named after a Greek island. Gentry just marveled and yet made no distinction with the architecture

“I guess we have 63” Said Briggs who guessing being the rookie that he is.

“Either that or a 602” Said Briggs. Which is a Vagrant

Briggs releases the safety from his guns and takes the flashlight. He loved his flashlight there was something fulfilling about shining it in peoples faces whether they were Perps' or just plain citizens. But mostly just because he can.

As The front door opens up the owner, Mr. Zimmer steps out wearing a silk yellow robe with tassels. Before Briggs and Gentry could introduce themselves. Mr Zimmer just bellowed   “The trespasser is around back”

“When did you notice that he was here” Briggs shined the light in Zimmer's face almost blinding him in the process.

“Ten minutes ago I think. I tried to tell him to leave but he's too busy out there dancing?”

“Excuse me did you say dancing?” Gentry said astonished

“Yes I said dancing, he's out there dancing in my back yard amongst the daffodils … So that's when I called 911. You better stop him before tears my flowers down I planted them a month ago.

“We'll do fine, just wait right here and calm down

Not saying anymore Briggs and Gentry went to the back of the house and indeed found an old man standing on a picnic table dressed in baggy pants and a long ratty bathrobe.

Gentry called out “Hello is there anyone back here? Excuse me sir? Hey!”

Lloyd stood in place almost like a statue his movements were slow lifting one knee up then slowly letting it down. Both officers witnessed Lloyd stepping from one side and slowly and push out with his hands and finally wave as if slicing the wind.

“Sir would you mind stepping away from the Pic nic table for a minutes do you realize your trespassing on private property.” Briggs shines a light in Lloyd's face.

“You mind turning the fog lights off” asked Lloyd

“You mind telling us why you're up there.” said Gentry

“None of your fucking Business”

It was clear to everyone Lloyd was intoxicated. Both officers looked at each other and wryly smiled.

“Would you mind stepping down from there so we can have a word with you.” Requested Briggs.

“Come back later I'm busy.” He calmly responded.

Lloyd continued with his slow swaying hand gestures which seemed purposefully expressive if not entertaining. To their amazement Lloyd's version of Thai Chi was something unexpected distraction but Lloyds robe open bathrobe revealing his penis having its own Thai chi moves.

“Okay enough of that” said Officer Gentry.

Briggs took Lloyds hand Lloyd and gently cuffed him until they got him to the squad car. The old man was harmless and normally would give senior citizens the courtesy of no cuffs.

On the way to the station Lloyd would calmly listen to Briggs and Gentry's discussions on various topics. But it was topic of Spelunking and base jumping that caught his attention.

“Are you still going Arizona?” asked Gentry

“Yeah maybe if I get some time off sometime next month but I need to get a new parachute.”

“What happen to the last one?”

“Nothing I just hate the color that's all.”

“what is it hot pink or something.”

“Don't I wish. I can take hot pink over fluorescent orange any day of the week.

“You sure you don't wanna go man, the guys would love to have you along. Come on Arizona, Grand Canyons, and native Indians actually living they did along time ago. Come what do you think? 

 “Yeah well it sounds cool but… not this time it's just...”

“What? Are you scared?” asked Briggs.

“NO! I'm not scared it just you know its kind of short lived. The experience it's too short for me. Skydiving is fun but the free fall and the parachute glide is awesome. Its just too short for me you know?”

“Yeah I see what you mean… but I love it. Besides you can always drive back up the hill and do it again” he added

“True but after the one time, it's a little boring for me.”

“I agree” Said Lloyd.

Both officers looked back at Lloyd amused to find him sitting in the back seat with his face against the Plexiglas window listening intently.

“What would you know old man?” asked Gentry, smiling.

“I was just agreeing much like sex and anything else once you do it the first time there's no turning back, you'll find newer better things, and yes even more daring ways of achieving that first high that comes from base jumping.”

Briggs laughed “don't get too philosophical on me back there.”

“Oh no I  was only being helpful I'm sure there are ways of making something more exciting for you of course in time I can see it becoming a fad for your been there done that jaded generation of yours.”

“You're going to help us?”

“Yes”

“You hear that our friend has the 411 on Edge culture”

“Yeah I've noticed, Said Gentry.”

“Okay we're listening”

“Why not combine autoerotic asphyxiation along with Base Jumping and you have and what you have is a trendy movement that you invented and will be copied. You'll be on the covers of every extreme sports magazine from here to Finland.”

“Are you kidding me?” Said Briggs, “how would you be able to pull something like that off?”

“Well given the time limit, you would have work very quickly. There is the choking yourself to death while masturbating. I would assume the lemon wedge would still be in the jumpers mouth to revive him just in time to press to pull the parachute chord. I think it could be done in five steps.”

“Jesus Christ and what exactly are you going to choking on while your falling.” Asked Gentry incredulous

“That's a good question,” He stops for a moment and thinks and his eyes light like a true visionary.

“Baboons!”