Chapter 1
The Postman and the Book
In which we get some mail, find some peef, puff smoke and stand in a pigsty.
Vinny and I have been friends for years. We were roommates in college, dated a few of the same girls, and even started a band called Mook. Now we share a small apartment in the suburbs. Being typical males, we weren’t even sure what color carpet we had. We just knew that under the dirty clothes, pizza boxes, and magazines lived the carpet.
Today was a typical day. Vinny and I were watching the latest Sam Raimi movie, ‘Evil Dead Part 6’, and drinking some cocoa. We were just getting into a great debate on if Bruce Campbell could beat up Spiderman when the doorbell rang, twice. This may not seem odd, but we didn’t have a doorbell.
Vinny opened the door to reveal a short, jolly looking fat man in a red coat trimmed in white. He had on thick glasses on and a postal hat.
“You’re early,” commented Vinny.
“Nope,” replied the jolly old man, “November 26th, three forty-five P.M., right on time. Are you Mr. Machia…..”
“Vincenzo Macavinni?” Vinny asked.
“That’s it,” the postman said, looking quite relived. “This is for you.”
With that he handed Vinny a package, gave a nod, laid a finger beside his nose and walked away. Vinny shut the door and sat down. After looking at the package for a minute he looked up at me.
“What do ya think it is?”
I shrugged, “It’s got your name on it, doesn’t it?”
“Naw, there isn’t any name on it, it’s completely blank.” Vinny replied.
Vinny shrugged and ripped the plain brown paper off and held up his prize, a plain brown box. He looked like a little kid on Christmas morning. “It’s a box!” Vinny exclaimed.”
“Hey Vinny, open the box.” I coaxed.
He blushed a bit and popped the end open. Inside was a leather bound book. He flipped it over a few times, as if he’d never seen one before.
“What’s wrong, forgot how to read?” I asked.
“Look at the title.” He replied.
He passed over the book and I looked at the title. It was ‘Time Travel for Dummies’.
“Looks like someone knows what you like, Vinny.”
“Do you think it’s real?” He asked, ignoring my previous comment.
“You mean, do I think a dummy could travel through time? You go first.”
Vinny opened the book, scanned through the prologue, past the chapter on physics, and stopped on chapter four.
Chapter 4
To time travel, one must get all the ingredients
mixed into a large bowl. Then speak the incantation,
and perform the gesture. When the smoke
clears, you will have arrived n your destination.
Ingredients:
Lilac scented candle wax
Peef
An item from where you want to go
One (1) toe from a Butterfly
Bring the items to a boil, speak the words:
“Veratas Nicto” and blow a kiss to your
current time and place.
“Let’s try it!” Exclaimed Vinny. He had the look of a kid at Toys R Us during a going out of business sale.
“Why would we want to leave the here and now? Besides, we don’t have any of the stuff needed.” I replied.
“I have the candle wax. It’s under the sink in the bathroom.”
“You have a candle? Why is it under the bathroom sink?” I asked, very curious, but at the same time, not wanting to know the answer.
Vinny grinned at me. “Smells better than the alternative.” I groaned, visual images nauseating me.
“O.K., so how about peef?” I asked.
“One sec,” he replied and disappeared into his room. A moment later he returned with a jar of swirling brown liquid.
“What is peef?” I asked.
“You don’t want to know, dude.” He answered. I believed him; after all it did come from his bedroom.
“So how about a toe from a Butterfly. Last time I checked they don’t have toes.” I asked smugly, knowing this one would stop this nonsense.
Vinny chuckled, “My Butterfly does, but I don’t know if a gerbil would count.”
This time I disappeared into his room. That is one trip that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I returned a couple minutes later, a small white toe in my hand.
“You didn’t kill my gerbil, did you? You sick bas...”
“Whoa Vinny,” I cut him off,”the gerbil was already dead. It looks like it suffocated. That probably happened days ago by the look of things.”
“That explains why she wouldn’t eat her antipasto last night.” Vinny replied nodding.
I added the toe to the pot Vinny got from the kitchen. The kitchen was the cleanest room in the house. After all, why mar great Italian food by cooking it in a dirty kitchen. It’s like making love in a Ford Pinto, you just don’t do it.
“Guido, where do you wanna go to? We still need the item form another time.”
My mind started spinning. What do I have in my collection of oddities that represents a time I want to visit? My original sheet music of ‘Tuxedo Junction’? Or maybe my signed photo of Charlie Chaplin. Maybe even my prehistoric plant fossil.
“Dude, how about this?” Vinny held up a lock of dark hair fixed with a ribbon. A note attached to the ribbon read “Come to Me”. The writing was elegant, obviously feminine.
I shrugged. A woman’s hair bears getting eaten by a raptor any day. Vinny dropped the hair in with the rest of the ingredients’. The mixture bubbled and popped, a foul smelling purple smoke started to rise from it. Together we spoke the words and blew a kiss, Vinny to his bedroom, me to my computer.
Green smoke turned to orange as it billowed from the pot. I couldn’t see anything, not that it mattered much. The smell of burning ravioli assailed my nose. The sounds of hysterical laughter set my nerves on end. Finally the smoke cleared, the smell changed to that of mud, and Vinny continued to laugh.
“That stuff is great! What a buzz!” he laughed.
“I think we did it, Vinny.” I said in amazement.
Our apartment had been replaced with mud, muck, and a pig. Our best friends would never notice the difference.
Vinny stopped laughing, looked around and pointed to the pig.
“Look, a medieval pig!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah Vinny, and a medieval farmer with a very medieval looking crossbow.” I cautioned staring at the farmer not moving.
“Do you think he wants to get medieval on your ass?” Vinny asked, barely controlling his laughter.
I glared at him, raised my hands and said the first thing I could think of to the armed farmer.
“We come in peace.”